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How To Deal With Violent Classmates In Preschool

Updated on June 20, 2014

No graphics here please

Each day gives new opportunities to teach and learn.
Each day gives new opportunities to teach and learn. | Source

Violence has happened

You pick up your four year old from pre-school and are informed that your 4 year old has been bitten and hit by his friend. That is a problem. Violence happens at an early age. Or what about if your child did the biting and hitting? It happens.

The good school does what they should do and that is talk confidentially with the parental figures involved. (was a time I could just say "parents" involved ;-) Every child gets one free pass and all parents should get that notion. Stern instruction and letting them know about disapproval is essential.

The "victim's" conduct must also be addressed as precipitation should be avoided and lessons learned.

If the bites were multiple and drew blood then we have very large issues and that offender needs serious attention before returning to school. But those are very very rare.

Now let us talk about what to do in the victims home.

Stop and think. Do you or don't you?

Do you ever strike your child while angry?

See results

It does not take a genius to figure out this problem.

If you use physical means to express your frustration to your child, your child will likely be the bully and not the bullied.

Not at Fault -- Chill out!

Do not make a big deal about the assault and battery. Make a big deal about what might have caused the problem at all. Really there are two facets here and both are worth discussing and talking about with a four year old.

1. What did you do to make Billy so angry? CAUTION!! There is nothing that your 4 year old could have done to justify this kind of bad behavior. It is just a learning moment. Something happened and your baby was part of it. Learning at a young age to evaluate our own actions is just a great big deal and one that is worthy of small chit chat and exploration at this age. "What was my part in it?" can be such a great tool in all of life that it is worthy to review and teach.

So inquiry here is essential for a happy child, not to find out the truth or even to mitigate anything, but to teach.Teach that all our actions have consequences, that there is a cause and effect to every little thing we do.

2. What is the problem with Billy? Here is where it takes some effort. Billy the biter has issues. Remember we are not talking about serial biters here we are talking about another little boy who has frustration problems. Biting and hitting come from two sources. First of all know that it does not need to be taught. It just happens. But we can teach it if there is violence in the home. Spanking in frustration teaches violence in frustration to our children.

Have you ever stomped your feet or hit a wall or table with your hand. Normally that is done we we are in complete frustration. It is a learned method of relieving our frustration. Now if one child is frustrating another the same emotions are channeled toward that child and biting and hitting are nearly natural reactions to such a state.

If we can make this clear to our child the our child has the tools to avoid causing that behavior in Billy the biter.

This is also an awesome teaching moment to explain to our angel how to properly release the frustration properly.

Knowledge is power over our feelings

The Pacific!

Such a violent ocean still has the name pacific. We must be powerful like this and yet peaceful like this.
Such a violent ocean still has the name pacific. We must be powerful like this and yet peaceful like this. | Source

How about you?

How you respond to the event is very telling to your child. (and do not think you can hide anger from a 4+ year old) If you get all upset and angry just look at what that teaches your little one. Violence begets violence. Maybe a good lesson but not one to teach in anything other than the abstract.

You must resolve to speak lightly and with forgiveness in your voice and actions in front of your child. If you cannot do that get some professional help because you need to get it together to raise your child. For sure take a break and unwind so you can really "be there" for your child.


That really is one of those green flashes just without a good camera

Long walks in nature can help you if you need help with your anger also.
Long walks in nature can help you if you need help with your anger also. | Source

Conclusion

We cannot control the outside world of people, places and things. But we can control our reaction to it. Most were not taught this as children. Let us break that cycle. Our children deserve no less.

So evaluate and moderate how we view when someone else does wrong, especially another child. Use compassion and patience to get through tough times.

Just fast forward this whole scenario and now biting Billy is a teen in high school and just think that how you handled our problem here may effect how Billy reacts if he is bullied and bashed in high school. I think you see the problem of extreme violence if Billy was handled wrong way back when.

Steal my stuff and you will see just how poorly I deal with frustrations ;-)

This article was written by Eric Dierker. I reserve all rights to this article and desire no duplication without attribution. On the other hand feel free to share the content just let folks know where it came from. Copying it and claiming it as your own would be stupid and subject you to my legal harassment of you. Besides if someone asked you what it meant you would not know so yes it is copyright protected as original work by me. Just leave a comment to ask to use it elsewhere and please share it.

To read more by this fascinating author visit www.thedierkerblog.com, Eric Dierker on Facebook and Pinterest and my sweet blog resipsaloquitor on google blogs

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    • billybuc profile image

      Bill Holland 2 years ago from Olympia, WA

      You just had to use the name Billy for the bad guy, didn't you? LOL Good suggestions here my friend. Bullies come in all shapes and sizes, and it's good to learn how to properly deal with them.

    • ologsinquito profile image

      ologsinquito 2 years ago from USA

      Oh no, sorry to hear that happened. I hope your little guy is okay now.

    • Ericdierker profile image
      Author

      Eric Dierker 2 years ago from Spring Valley, CA. U.S.A.

      I definitely had you in mind ;-). We need to make big deals through calm and patience not drama kings and queens. Thanks for visiting and leaving a note Bill.

    • Ericdierker profile image
      Author

      Eric Dierker 2 years ago from Spring Valley, CA. U.S.A.

      Gabriel my angel came through like a trooper -- he just wanted to wear his super fast shoes the next 3 school days, so he could run a way real fast. Thank you much ologsinquito friend.

    • Danext profile image

      Dan Lema 2 years ago from Tanzania

      Very Informative and funny, i enjoyed it very much....

    • Ericdierker profile image
      Author

      Eric Dierker 2 years ago from Spring Valley, CA. U.S.A.

      Thank you much Danext and welcome to HPs

    • DDE profile image

      Devika Primić 2 years ago from Dubrovnik, Croatia

      My son was bullied at school that was awful for a child to go through. A great example mentioned here. My son was bitten and teased.

    • Ericdierker profile image
      Author

      Eric Dierker 2 years ago from Spring Valley, CA. U.S.A.

      Thank you DDE, we have to know that it is not unusual and face up to it.

    • Danext profile image

      Dan Lema 2 years ago from Tanzania

      Thank you and the Pleasure is all mine Sir....

    • mylindaelliott profile image

      mylindaelliott 2 years ago from Louisiana

      It's such a complicated problem. Unfortunately the school's don't seem to do much.

    • Ericdierker profile image
      Author

      Eric Dierker 2 years ago from Spring Valley, CA. U.S.A.

      mylindaelliot, in this particular case the school handled it wonderfully and it seems the bully billy is getting along fine now.

    • Perspycacious profile image

      Demas W Jasper 2 years ago from Today's America and The World Beyond

      In a church nursery class the resident bully had to be watched constantly of she would sometimes bite other children. Finally one day a new bully joined the class and the previous bully came to one of the teachers and declared: "I need help." :C

    • Ericdierker profile image
      Author

      Eric Dierker 2 years ago from Spring Valley, CA. U.S.A.

      That is a great story and so true in life Thank you.

    • MsDora profile image

      Dora Isaac Weithers 2 years ago from The Caribbean

      Very meaningful counsel, Eric. As parents, we love to see our children defend themselves, but we also want them to steer away from trouble. Respect for self and respect for the other person is the solution. If we consistently teach that to them in our everyday interactions, they'll catch on.

    • Ericdierker profile image
      Author

      Eric Dierker 2 years ago from Spring Valley, CA. U.S.A.

      Right on Dora, and we can keep on learning and teaching it as we "mature".

    • profile image

      Grey Temples 2 years ago

      Voted up and Awesome. Excellent article as children learn by their parents and need consistency in their lives. When I adopted my son he was 6 and was never in school and was living on the streets. He literally was an animal doing what he wanted to do. When structure, love, consistency came into his life he didn't know how to take it at first however, after 6 months he settled into a routine and that routine was exactly what he needed to thrive.

    • Lady Guinevere profile image

      Debra Allen 2 years ago from West By God

      Diet and gluten and dairy all play into this too. Also medications and other interactions also play into this. I did write a hub about all that BUT HP deemed it was against their advertisers. I sure hope that yours stays.

      My grandson is very gluten intolerance, but my daughter did not find this out until she did her own research into it. Each time that her son would eat a cookie or other things with gluten in it he kicked, bit, screamed and literally was intolerable and they sent him home. Once they found that it was the gluten and she removed anything that contained it from his diet, he is now a different kid. It was like night and day.

    • Ericdierker profile image
      Author

      Eric Dierker 2 years ago from Spring Valley, CA. U.S.A.

      Grey Temples, thank you for sharing that story. Wonderful!

    • Ericdierker profile image
      Author

      Eric Dierker 2 years ago from Spring Valley, CA. U.S.A.

      Diet is so important Lady, and we are each so different. Balance is hard to find but worth the effort.

    • Ahdilarum profile image

      Ahdilarum 2 years ago

      It's the quality of children to be violent with fellow kids. This is part of their school life and they should tackle and learnt the skill.

    • Ericdierker profile image
      Author

      Eric Dierker 2 years ago from Spring Valley, CA. U.S.A.

      I agree Ahdilarum, the most important part of parenting is just getting and staying involved.

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