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How to tell your 19-year-old daughter that you disapprove of her boyfriend
...from the perspective of a 20-year-old
Bottom line: my parents hated my ex.
I started dating him right after I turned 18 and continued to go out with him until a bit before my 20th birthday. I thought he was the most perfect person (especially for me).
The only thing that would change my mind was, well, time.
Unfortunately my mother didn't realize this. From the first fight I had with my ex my mother disliked him, and as time went on she came to hate him.
Whenever he made me upset, I would tell my mother, which was probably not the best idea (at least under the circumstances of our relationship). And every time she heard of what he had done to me, she grew more angry and disgusted.
My mother always felt the need to have a good amount of control over me, which didn't work well because I have been considerably independent from an early age and have always yearned to live and work for myself. My mother's unwanted advice only fueled my efforts to stray further from my mother's guidance.
As a result, I disobeyed her. I snuck out, let him visit me at work... I basically tried to see him a lot, away from my mother. And that is something a mother does not want, something that isn't good: losing contact and the respect of your daughter.
I believe that a mother should only subtly tell her 19-year-old (or near that age) daughter of her disapproval. Forcing her ideas on a girl that age, when one is trying to discover who they are and what they want by themselves for the most part, can likely backfire.
My father wasn't terribly fond of my ex, either, but I appreciated his opinion because he let me know once and then only if I asked. He didn't force it on me but told me, "It's your life. Do whatever makes you happy." ... Golden words to a teenager.
I knew that my mom had the best of intentions, but I couldn't help but feel annoyed and angered every time she brought up her dislike. I didn't feel that she was being reasonable and didn't trust her judgment or advice.
Just try to respect your daughter and understand that when she is 19, there is little a mother can do to convince her daughter to dump her boyfriend. This is a difficult task, but do you best to treat your pre-adult like you would like to be treated yourself.
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