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Humorous Things My Daddy Said
I've already covered Mama. Now it's time for Daddy. Can any of you relate?
Daddy's a cheapskate
- Do you think I own the electric company? Turn off the lights (close the door).
- Do you think I own the phone company? Get off the phone.
- Close the door, were you born in a barn?
- Do you think money grows on trees?
- I just bought that, do you think I have money laying around to replace it?
- That's coming out of your allowance.
- What do you mean you want a raise in your allowance?
- If you want a new bike save up your allowance.
- A penny saved is a penny earned.
- When I was a boy I never spent my allowance, I saved it.
- When I was a boy I didn't bother my parents for things, I saved my allowance.
- When I was a boy I had to make my own.
- When I was a boy I took the bus.
- When I was a boy I worked for things.
- When I was a boy we never threw anything out.
- I work hard for my money.
- Do you know how much it costs to feed and clothe you?
- It's too expensive.
- I don't make that kind of money.
- You expect me to pay for that?
- Why don't I buy you one at a second hand store?
- A dime's a dime.
- You think you have it so bad? I paid rent and utilities and food when I was a boy.
Which of these things did your Daddy say the most?
- Don't make me come in there.
- Why the hell did you do that?
- I thought I told you not to do that.
- Don't you lie to me, I know where you live.
- I brought you into this world and I can take you out.
- Don't do as I do, do as I say.
- Next one that blinks is going to get smacked.
- Do what your mother tells you.
- Go ask your mother.
- You tell your mother I said for her to handle it.
- Don't do that, you know what your mother will say.
- I'll give you something to cry about.
- Try it and see what happens.
- Don't even think about it.
- You don't think I'm serious?
- Don't laugh, I'm dead serious.
- I'm as serious as a heart attack.
- I pay the bills, feed and clothe you, and put a roof over your head, so I make the rules.
- How would you like it if I did that to you?
- Do you think your brother likes that? Tell him you don't like that Robbie.
- If you don't get over here I'll...
- I told you to be quiet. Now tell me what happened.
- What? Did you leave your brains at the door?
- I told you that would happen didn't I?
- Go out and cut me a switch.
- This going to hurt you a lot more than it's going to hurt me.
- This is going to hurt me a lot more than it's going to hurt you.
- You don't know what pain is.
- Your mother and I are very disappointed in you.
- You've upset your mother.
- Do you think I'm stupid?
- I didn't just fall off the turnip truck you know.
- You honestly expect me to believe that?
- I'm going to give you to the count of one.
- You don't want to do the dishes? Okay, how about you scrub the toilet with a toothbrush. I thought so.
- You're grounded for a year young lady.
- Oh, sorry I care about where your going so I know you're safe. I must have lost my mind.
- Doing your chores builds character.
- Call me if you're going to be late.
- You're one minute late. Why didn't you call?
- You're one minute late. You can forget about going out with him again.
- You're one minute late. Your grounded for a month.
- That's no excuse.
- You have to take your sister with you.
- Mom or I will drive you to the (fill in the blank). We want to make sure you're safe.
- You will do it and you will like it.
- Quit yer whining.
- One day you're going to have kids. I hope they act just like you.
Theo: Dad, all those stories we've come to find out are not true.
Cliff: What? What? Who said? From who?
Theo, Denise, Vanessa, Rudy: Grandpa!
Cliff: You're going to believe a man that age?
Stupid and embarrassing things my Daddy said
- Pull my finger.
- I didn't do that.
- That wasn't me it was your mother.
- Who stepped on a frog?
- Beans, beans, musical fruit, the more you eat the more you toot. The more you toot the better you feel. So let's have beens for every meal.
- Whewy! I wasn't expecting that.
- Did you hear something?
- I didn't hear anything?
- Do you smell something?
- I don't smell anything.
- Oh, here comes another one.
- Mama, don't gimme no more beans.
- Uh oh, that just kinda slipped out.
- Hand me a towel will you?
- Ah, that was a good meal, hon.
- Gimme another beer kid.
- I can't help it if you're a good cook.
- That just kind of flew out.
- Excuse me.
- Excuse you.
- Ah, that's as good as it gets.
- What do you mean Daddy can't wear black socks with his sandals?
- What do you mean Daddy can't wear white socks with black pants (shoes)?
- What's wrong with this hat? It's my lucky fishing hat.
- What do you mean they don't match?
- I think it looks good on me. Mother, don't you think this looks good on me?
- I'll just throw my suit coat over it and no one will see the stain.
- Don't laugh, this is my lucky shirt.
- Kids, did your mother throw away my lucky shirt (hat)?
- What's wrong with white pants (shoes)? What? I like Pat Boone. He's a good Christian man.
When Daddy was a kid he...
- When I was a kid I walked ten miles to school in ten feet of snow going uphill and got there in time to hear the school bell.
- When I was a kid my daddy taught me to treat girls with respect.
- When I was a kid my daddy taught me how to fight.
- When I was a kid my daddy beat me bloody for doing that.
- When I was a kid my mama whooped me but good for doing that.
- When I was a kid I loved calves brains. Why can't you like it?
- When I was a kid I... (did all kinds of dastardly things), and when I did it, it was funny, but don't you ever do it or I'll whoop you good.
- When I was a kid I respected my mother.
- When I was a kid I respected my daddy even though...
Tongue in cheek comments from our dad
- Brains? When God handed out brains you thought He said trains and you already had one.
- I'll be Frank with you Earnest.
- Dad: "Chris (my sister), you're a card." Chris: "I don't go in a box." I never understood this stupid little joke between them but they did it all the time.
- Eat it (or drink it) it'll put hair on your chest like Mom's.
- Eat it (or drink it) and you'll grow a full head of hair like mine (he was bald on top).
Bill Cosby: Now here comes my mother: "All right, dinner!... Oh, Lord, what happened in here?" "Mom, there's an elephant under Dad's chair." "Did you see it?" "No, but it lifted Dad up about two feet."
Daddy's dress code for his daughter
- You are not going out in that young lady.
- That's not a bathing suit, it's three little postage stamps.
- Eve wore more than that in the garden of Eden.
- One piece bathing suit only.
- Your cleavage is hanging out all over.
- Go put on something decent.
- I said decent. That's not decent.
- You're too young to wear panty hose.
- You are not going walk around looking like a floozy.
- What will the neighbors think of me if you go out dressed like that?
- I said below the knees, not up to your ying yang.
- What's wrong with knee socks. You're only 14.
- Nice girls your age don't wear (fill in the blank).
- Your mother never dressed like that.
- What do you mean you're wearing Mom's skirt? Honey, throw that thing out. You shouldn't be wearing that.
- 14 is too young to shave your legs and wear nylons.
- I don't care what your friends are wearing.
- I may be an old fuddy duddy, but you're still not going out in that.
- Boys don't respect girls who wear that.
- If you go out in that the boys will think you're easy.
Rock n Roll is evil and the Beatles are filthy hippies
Daddy's advice on entertainment and dating
- Rock and roll is evil.
- Rock and roll is for degenerates.
- The Beatles are filthy hippies
- If you don't turn down that music your records (tapes, CD's) are going in the trash.
- What's wrong with classical music?
- Remember, when you're at the prom, don't dance too close. Boys are out to take your innocence.
- G movies only.
- Animated films only.
- PG stands for perverted gangsters.
- R-rated is porn. Your not going to see it.
- If they ask you to play spin the bottle, call me to come get you.
- You are too young for parties.
- Let me call the parents and see if there are chaperones.
- Your mother and I have volunteered to be prom chaperones.
- I don't see what's wrong with your mother and I being chaperones.
- If you want to have a party here, mother and I will be in the room at all times.
- Girls shouldn't call boys.
- Girls that call boys are loose.
- He'll have to meet me if he wants to take you out.
- There's nothing wrong with having a man to man before he takes you out.
- His hair is too long.
- You are not dating a guy with an earring.
- He has to come to the door if he wants to take you out.
- What kind of grades does he get? A boy who makes bad grades is a loser.
- That girl's father is a lush. You can't hang out with her.
- She or he is a bad influence on you.
- If they told you to jump off a bridge would you do it?
- I don't care what Mary's parents let her do.
- 7:30 curfew is perfectly reasonable.
- A boy who tries to hold your hand on the first date is too forward.
Ward Cleaver has told the boys how he used to walk to school as a boy.
Wally Cleaver: "Yeah, every year the distance gets longer and the snow gets deeper."