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Humorous Things My Daddy Said
I've already covered Mama. Now it's time for Daddy. Can any of you relate?
Daddy's a cheapskate
- Do you think I own the electric company? Turn off the lights (close the door).
- Do you think I own the phone company? Get off the phone.
- Close the door, were you born in a barn?
- Do you think money grows on trees?
- I just bought that, do you think I have money laying around to replace it?
- That's coming out of your allowance.
- What do you mean you want a raise in your allowance?
- If you want a new bike save up your allowance.
- A penny saved is a penny earned.
- When I was a boy I never spent my allowance, I saved it.
- When I was a boy I didn't bother my parents for things, I saved my allowance.
- When I was a boy I had to make my own.
- When I was a boy I took the bus.
- When I was a boy I worked for things.
- When I was a boy we never threw anything out.
- I work hard for my money.
- Do you know how much it costs to feed and clothe you?
- It's too expensive.
- I don't make that kind of money.
- You expect me to pay for that?
- Why don't I buy you one at a second hand store?
- A dime's a dime.
- You think you have it so bad? I paid rent and utilities and food when I was a boy.
Which of these things did your Daddy say the most?
- Don't make me come in there.
- Why the hell did you do that?
- I thought I told you not to do that.
- Don't you lie to me, I know where you live.
- I brought you into this world and I can take you out.
- Don't do as I do, do as I say.
- Next one that blinks is going to get smacked.
- Do what your mother tells you.
- Go ask your mother.
- You tell your mother I said for her to handle it.
- Don't do that, you know what your mother will say.
- I'll give you something to cry about.
- Try it and see what happens.
- Don't even think about it.
- You don't think I'm serious?
- Don't laugh, I'm dead serious.
- I'm as serious as a heart attack.
- I pay the bills, feed and clothe you, and put a roof over your head, so I make the rules.
- How would you like it if I did that to you?
- Do you think your brother likes that? Tell him you don't like that Robbie.
- If you don't get over here I'll...
- I told you to be quiet. Now tell me what happened.
- What? Did you leave your brains at the door?
- I told you that would happen didn't I?
- Go out and cut me a switch.
- This going to hurt you a lot more than it's going to hurt me.
- This is going to hurt me a lot more than it's going to hurt you.
- You don't know what pain is.
- Your mother and I are very disappointed in you.
- You've upset your mother.
- Do you think I'm stupid?
- I didn't just fall off the turnip truck you know.
- You honestly expect me to believe that?
- I'm going to give you to the count of one.
- You don't want to do the dishes? Okay, how about you scrub the toilet with a toothbrush. I thought so.
- You're grounded for a year young lady.
- Oh, sorry I care about where your going so I know you're safe. I must have lost my mind.
- Doing your chores builds character.
- Call me if you're going to be late.
- You're one minute late. Why didn't you call?
- You're one minute late. You can forget about going out with him again.
- You're one minute late. Your grounded for a month.
- That's no excuse.
- You have to take your sister with you.
- Mom or I will drive you to the (fill in the blank). We want to make sure you're safe.
- You will do it and you will like it.
- Quit yer whining.
- One day you're going to have kids. I hope they act just like you.
Theo: Dad, all those stories we've come to find out are not true.
Cliff: What? What? Who said? From who?
Theo, Denise, Vanessa, Rudy: Grandpa!
Cliff: You're going to believe a man that age?
Stupid and embarrassing things my Daddy said
- Pull my finger.
- I didn't do that.
- That wasn't me it was your mother.
- Who stepped on a frog?
- Beans, beans, musical fruit, the more you eat the more you toot. The more you toot the better you feel. So let's have beens for every meal.
- Whewy! I wasn't expecting that.
- Did you hear something?
- I didn't hear anything?
- Do you smell something?
- I don't smell anything.
- Oh, here comes another one.
- Mama, don't gimme no more beans.
- Uh oh, that just kinda slipped out.
- Hand me a towel will you?
- Ah, that was a good meal, hon.
- Gimme another beer kid.
- I can't help it if you're a good cook.
- That just kind of flew out.
- Excuse me.
- Excuse you.
- Ah, that's as good as it gets.
- What do you mean Daddy can't wear black socks with his sandals?
- What do you mean Daddy can't wear white socks with black pants (shoes)?
- What's wrong with this hat? It's my lucky fishing hat.
- What do you mean they don't match?
- I think it looks good on me. Mother, don't you think this looks good on me?
- I'll just throw my suit coat over it and no one will see the stain.
- Don't laugh, this is my lucky shirt.
- Kids, did your mother throw away my lucky shirt (hat)?
- What's wrong with white pants (shoes)? What? I like Pat Boone. He's a good Christian man.
When Daddy was a kid he...
- When I was a kid I walked ten miles to school in ten feet of snow going uphill and got there in time to hear the school bell.
- When I was a kid my daddy taught me to treat girls with respect.
- When I was a kid my daddy taught me how to fight.
- When I was a kid my daddy beat me bloody for doing that.
- When I was a kid my mama whooped me but good for doing that.
- When I was a kid I loved calves brains. Why can't you like it?
- When I was a kid I... (did all kinds of dastardly things), and when I did it, it was funny, but don't you ever do it or I'll whoop you good.
- When I was a kid I respected my mother.
- When I was a kid I respected my daddy even though...
Tongue in cheek comments from our dad
- Brains? When God handed out brains you thought He said trains and you already had one.
- I'll be Frank with you Earnest.
- Dad: "Chris (my sister), you're a card." Chris: "I don't go in a box." I never understood this stupid little joke between them but they did it all the time.
- Eat it (or drink it) it'll put hair on your chest like Mom's.
- Eat it (or drink it) and you'll grow a full head of hair like mine (he was bald on top).
Daddy's dress code for his daughter
- You are not going out in that young lady.
- That's not a bathing suit, it's three little postage stamps.
- Eve wore more than that in the garden of Eden.
- One piece bathing suit only.
- Your cleavage is hanging out all over.
- Go put on something decent.
- I said decent. That's not decent.
- You're too young to wear panty hose.
- You are not going walk around looking like a floozy.
- What will the neighbors think of me if you go out dressed like that?
- I said below the knees, not up to your ying yang.
- What's wrong with knee socks. You're only 14.
- Nice girls your age don't wear (fill in the blank).
- Your mother never dressed like that.
- What do you mean you're wearing Mom's skirt? Honey, throw that thing out. You shouldn't be wearing that.
- 14 is too young to shave your legs and wear nylons.
- I don't care what your friends are wearing.
- I may be an old fuddy duddy, but you're still not going out in that.
- Boys don't respect girls who wear that.
- If you go out in that the boys will think you're easy.
Bill Cosby: Now here comes my mother: "All right, dinner!... Oh, Lord, what happened in here?" "Mom, there's an elephant under Dad's chair." "Did you see it?" "No, but it lifted Dad up about two feet."
Rock n Roll is evil and the Beatles are filthy hippies
Daddy's advice on entertainment and dating
- Rock and roll is evil.
- Rock and roll is for degenerates.
- The Beatles are filthy hippies
- If you don't turn down that music your records (tapes, CD's) are going in the trash.
- What's wrong with classical music?
- Remember, when you're at the prom, don't dance too close. Boys are out to take your innocence.
- G movies only.
- Animated films only.
- PG stands for perverted gangsters.
- R-rated is porn. Your not going to see it.
- If they ask you to play spin the bottle, call me to come get you.
- You are too young for parties.
- Let me call the parents and see if there are chaperones.
- Your mother and I have volunteered to be prom chaperones.
- I don't see what's wrong with your mother and I being chaperones.
- If you want to have a party here, mother and I will be in the room at all times.
- Girls shouldn't call boys.
- Girls that call boys are loose.
- He'll have to meet me if he wants to take you out.
- There's nothing wrong with having a man to man before he takes you out.
- His hair is too long.
- You are not dating a guy with an earring.
- He has to come to the door if he wants to take you out.
- What kind of grades does he get? A boy who makes bad grades is a loser.
- That girl's father is a lush. You can't hang out with her.
- She or he is a bad influence on you.
- If they told you to jump off a bridge would you do it?
- I don't care what Mary's parents let her do.
- 7:30 curfew is perfectly reasonable.
- A boy who tries to hold your hand on the first date is too forward.
Ward Cleaver has told the boys how he used to walk to school as a boy.
Wally Cleaver: "Yeah, every year the distance gets longer and the snow gets deeper."
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