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I Ain't Mommy Until A Baby Exits My Vajayjay

Updated on June 19, 2013

XXIV

Struggling with parenting issues in my home and ready to pack my things and leave, I called a friend. I explained to her that I felt like my wife didn't respect me and didn't make her son respect me. Her son had talked to me in a way that I was sure had he spoken to anyone else in that manner my wife would have never tolerated it. But in the case with me she barely intervened. I could tell my friend struggled with saying what she was about to say. She knew that the truth, as she saw it, would be a hard pill for me to swallow; but she was tired of hearing my rants. With sincerity she said to me, ‘You do realize you are being used, right?' And without I doubt I said 'yes'.

Exhibit A: As a member of the military, on paper, my wife cannot be a single parent. If she does not have a family care plan, a person who agrees to take care of her son in the event of her deployment or absence for any reason, she must forgo her career. I am her family care plan. While she does have an aunt who has agreed to take care of her son in these events, the idea is not plausible. My wife doesn't just go out of town for deployment overseas for six months to a year. As a matter of fact, she has never gone on a deployment overseas; but she spends a significant amount of time away on military orders. During any given week, she may be gone for a day or two. In a few weeks, she will be gone for more than a month. Unless her son is going to live with this aunt full-time, not an option, the idea is actually useless. This gives her motive.

Exhibit B: Nothing is ever an issue until she says it as an issue. My stepson's disrespectful tone, words and actions, and his fascination with fire, incessant lying, and academic deficiencies were all issues I pointed out years before my wife gave them a second thought. Other than occasional efforts just to shut me up, she gave little energy to these battles. Years later when these issues became an embarrassment to her, she became more aggressive about addressing them. But there was no real concern until she deemed necessary.

Exhibit B1: On her way to resolution for her son, she remembered to stop and blame me for my faulty techniques that didn't seem to address the problems her son was having. Never mind that her lack in belief in these 'techniques' and lack of enforcement could have played a significant role.

Counterargument: I know you are thinking, 'Well if you knew there were problems, you have been in his life all his life, you could have fixed them.' You sound as foolish as me. 'He has known me practically all his life. I am like a second mother to him. He will listen.' The truth is, there is only one mother and one mother only. Oh, wouldn't it be the cutest thing for him to look at me like his second mother. Well, he doesn't. When asked who he thought I was, to him I am like a sister is what he said. That's right. I am the one who babysits him when his mother is away. You see the sister only has authority when mommy is gone. When the two of us are sitting side by side, he goes to her for his needs, for permission to do something and to say thank you for dinner even though I prepared it. Yes, he had to be told not to thank the presumed buyer but the cook. Clearly, even the child devalues my worth.

Yes it's very disheartening. Yes, it's difficult to stay in a place when you feel so defeated. Yes, many days I want to walk away. Yes, I have given up on the idea that I can make a real influence in her son's life. No, I am not leaving. It is the woman who doesn't know, hasn't accepted this truth who asks should I stay or go. I am not in a debate. I know exactly what I have to do. But all things have their season.

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