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Parenting after divorce
Instead of asking yourself if you are wrong for feeling this way...
Sometimes in divorce children are the glue that keeps the parents together. Once this glue dissolves and the structure is left exposed we begin to see that we have to deal with a relationship that no longer exists. Suddenly we are vulnerable. Divorce can bring about a series of negative emotions.
We all have our shortcomings and you have to accept that you are not solely to blame for your relationship's demise. Let go of problems that are beyond your control. Enter into an agreement with yourself and understand that you must live in the present. You can’t control your future. What is happening to you will happen regardless of whether you want to be a participant.
You must decide to be an “active” participant. If you allow yourself to self-destruct, you will have to enter into the process of re-building yourself back up. During this life change you will function at a less than ideal level. It is acceptable that you will not give your best to every situation. Some of your encounters with others will feel as if you have checked out and be less than optimal until your heartache subsides. Divorce is a journey and a complicated relationship that you are forming with your past, present and future, Reliving good memories does not help you to detach yourself from your former life. Dealing with your emotions in a healthy way takes time. This unexpected life event is not like a wedding or a birth. It is not always greeted with happiness. Although triggering events might validate the decision to separate and force you to see why your lives can no longer be joined, it won’t make coping easier.
Remember, positive self-talk is important and will truly help in coping with divorce. Embracing the concept that there is no model for divorce is helpful. If you focus on this fact, it will be easier to see that you do not have to play a role. You also don’t have to involve others in this conflict. It is possible to avoid common power struggles and arguments. One of my favorite quotes reminds us that divorce today doesn't have to mean constant sparring. You can raise the flag and surrender. “Surrendering does not involve preparing for a soft landing, it means just landing on hard, ordinary ground, on rocky wild countryside, once we open ourselves, then we land on what is.” Even if one of you is having a difficult time disconnecting entirely from the relationship, it is ok to create distance. You will never outgrow this situation and will forever be dealing with this phase of your life in some way. Instead of asking yourself if you are wrong for feeling this way, remember no diagram exists for how you should be feeling.
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