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So Proud To Be A Granny, But Life Is Now A Nightmare!
A Miracle Has Happened, Or Has It?
7th December 2010, 2.42am, he is here. At last this long awaited event has arrived, I am a grandmother. Craig, my son is just off the phone, "HI Ma, your a granny, it's a boy, 5lb 11oz and both Callum and Rebecca are fine" Not able to sleep for the anticipation of it all, I decide to make another cup of tea. At least the tenth one this evening since I learnt Rebecca had gone into labour.
My longing is to be with my son, to share his joy and excitement. To savour the moment he first catches a glimpse of his son, but it is not to be. I am the paternal grandmother and therefore must await my turn like the rest of the family, but it hurts, I want to be involved. I want to belong, and I want to meet my grandson.
Let me explain. My mother committed suicide when I was 14 years old, as my paternal father still does not know of my existence, the word family conjures up all types of emotion in me. Up until the 7th December 2010 my family consisted of my son. No mother, father, grandparents, sisters, brothers, aunties or uncles, just my son and I.
No one understands how I feel, lonely?, yes sometimes, unwanted?, always. Failure is my middle name, with two divorces behind me the only great success I have had in my life is my son. I don't want to make mistakes where he is concerned. But this terrible feeling of bewilderment and sorrow is overwhelming. I love my son and I treat my daughter-in-law as if she was my own. I have looked forward so much to being a granny that now everything feels so final. Craig is a daddy, more responsibility, more commitment and less time to listen to his mum.
No I am not jealous, envious of his relationship maybe, but most of all terrified I will lose him. I want to shout from the rooftops that I now have a family, I have responsibility too. The responsibility of not interfering, not being clingy, not being judgemental but most of all not to make enemies. I have to keep my daughter-in-law happy and prove that I don't have mother and son syndrome.
This is going to be the biggest challenge of my life. In the past few weeks I have wept tears of happiness and sorrow. I have felt elated and disappointed to the extent of depression. I want to shout at Craig "I am still here". but when I do, I always put my foot in it so to speak. My son does not know if he is on his head or his elbow. Instead he is caught in a crossfire of loyalty and nothing makes sense to him. He wants his mum involved with his son, he wants me to spend time bonding as a family, but instead he is caught in the midst of a battlefield of emotions.
Rebecca wants her mummy, she wants her family understandably, but I am being pushed into the background and don't want my grandson to meet me in the street hiding behind his mums legs, shy and not knowing who I am. What can I do? I find myself in such a position, I wont desert my son, but I don't want him to be torn between his family and me. I don't want to be the cause of bad feeling and arguments. So I guess I have to be patient. It is hard to be a first time mother and I hope that one day my daughter-in-law will realise that I am not the enemy, but just another person to help her, friends just like we used to be.
Can This Get Any Worse.
Here is a little update. I wish I could say that all my fears are behind me now and that I see Callum regulary, but they aren't and I don't. Poor Craig has past the limit of being tolerant and has now decided to choose his family. Am I being selfish in wanting to call each day to give my grandson a kiss? I have been allowed to have Callum overnight twice since he was born. Just long enough for me to dream that things will be on the up. But, for days afterwards I am not allowed to call, or touch my grandson. I offer my help, not just to baby sit but with decorating and they are moving house, but every time I offer I am told "No thanks it's ok." I am trying so hard not to feel all these emotions, but I miss my son and so much want to be involved in Callum's life.
Rebecca's family see him every day, and as often as Craig and Rebecca want time alone, Callum is sent to his other granny. I am at my whits end. Nothing I do, or clothes and gifts I buy, including Callums first cot seems to be rite.
I am afraid to say that for my own sanity, I am just going to walk away. Desperate times need desperate measures, and I am afraid will never be understood.