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Letters From My Mother
Here are some letters from my mother to help me over the threshold of adulthood. I am sure I am not the only one who needed a shoulder or at least some good advice. I hope these can help others as my mother was a very wise woman. There was much pain from losing my father that took many years and love from my mother to overcome. It's amazing how she could see past her own pain to be there for us.
Several people have come to me for advice many times and I hope I was as helpful as my mother.
January 17, 1982
My hint did no good so far - tee hee. Told Sonja about her colors, so will tell you what it says about you. You're colors are green and silver. Green is the color of growth and you have a nurturing, loving nature. Your life revolves around your home & family. Caring for people, pets, and plants. Silver reflects the changing emotions & where green captures the mother nature qualities of your personality, silver reflects the iridescent dazzle of your feelings. A splash of orange enhances your natural warmth and sensitivity. There you are my glittering plant lover -- tee hee.
Hope you got back into school ok. I got a thing to fill out for Mitch from Social Security and it reads like you might be cut off for the summer and just get it during school. I'm not sure as long as you are getting it. But anyone applying now will be anyway.
I miss you Honey. Look for your sweet face to pop up or rather down stairs, but it just never does. No use telling you the same things I told Sonja, she can. Hank just finally got the car started. Now he's gone to get the Sunday paper.
Well Dear, write, let me know what's going on in your life & send that "fan handling" please. Write to Grandma & ask her to hold your stuff too if you haven't. Irene's wanting a rummage sale. Maybe it's too late. I love you my little Darling Joy.
February 5, 1982
Hi my Darlin:
I'm glad you enjoyed the little thing about your colors. Yes, I think it sounds very much like you. I'm glad that you are glad that I'm your mother, because I am real happy.
How is school going this semester? Have you been able to get to class many days? You really have been having snow storms I hear. Tell me all about it.
Be sure & get the car fixed before Tina gets home because she may need it right away & she won't have any time to spare. Sonja hasn't answered my letter yet. Has she been real busy, or has she found someone to occupy her time? Glad you are looking for a summer job. Did any of those sound good, that, I sent? I thought you and Tina might want to apply at a place where they need more than one & then you'd be able to live together, or ride together, or what ever. I think I had them send a booklet to her too. So you can write her about it.
Yes, Honey. Adulthood is lonely. Very lonely unless you find just the right person to share it with. But it is like walking. Watch a baby take those first unsure steps & see how alone and easily hurt it is. Just as you get sure of yourself on that, you are expected to run. Never a sure race in this life. And your responsibilities to others are always putting pressure on you, more than just yourself. But you are special, it's a might steep climb to make it over the adult threshold. But you must always make your decisions and forge ahead. Don't look back & "think" I made the wrong choice. Just say what is done is done, and I will take a lesson from it & do better in the future.
Honey, I'm sorry you have always felt so lonely. Some people do more than others and I couldn't seem to help you out of it no matter how hard I wanted to. Maybe it would help if you'd go back to the Adrian counselor again. Have you thought of that? But Darlene you are special. It took so much push for you to overcome the simplest break-away.
Yes, I meant it when I told you that the Devil tempted God's "special" people. All of us are created equal, but we have "free-will" -- remember? If someone shows he wants to love God & be one of His chosen people -- then he becomes special to God and he will do some strange things, (to us), to make them one of the extra special ones to spend eternity closest to Him. He'll give them extra trials, so they can prove to Him how much they love Him.
In the Bible, remember how He tested Job, was it. Made him lose all his money, his cattle, his land & his health. But the man's faith never faltered. And remember He asked Abraham to kill his only son as a sacrifice? But at the last moment He stayed his hand. But how He tested them so they could live eternally close to His love. Really He sends signs to everyone & tries to win them. But He will never force Himself on us. We can choose to see the signs & go His way. Or let the devil sway us the other way, by making us think we can't control ourselves. Or it doesn't really matter. Or it's old-fashioned, or any number of things. Then He will give us something really hard to do. We can do it if we really care enough to ask Him to help us through it.
part 2 of February 5, 1982
You have as much control of yourself as anyone -- even more when you set your mind to it. But it is so easy to slide by the nice, warm, self caring way. Tell God, I can't do it alone --but if you help me, I'll do my share first to prove it. You'll never know how I wake up in the mornings, roll over, snuggle down and go back to sleep. I always say a little thank you to God for letting me live long enough to enjoy this as I do, after all of the years getting up doing chores, going to school, then later getting up and going to work, and later getting up with a child & getting your dad off to work, shortly after.
I used to pray, "Give me the strength to get through this day and all of the days following until I can sleep a whole night through." Then I was unwell for a time that I still couldn't sleep all night. Now I am well enough that many nights I do sleep right through, and oh, what a reward it is and to add to it, I can sleep as long as I want to.
I guess I kept you and Tina, "immature", I did it because I was trying to protect you girls from the hurt, I saw the older girls getting. Now when it is too late I've found out that 's no answer either. You have to have so many bumps in growing up, whether it's sooner or later.
You Can't Hurry Love
I know it is hard, the waiting is believe me. But I am glad I did too. It took a big wrench to break away from being mother and father and thinking about you kids and your problems, instead of letting you take your steps into the world & getting hurt without me trying to soften the blows. Now I just enjoy the time to do the things I always wanted to do but put off 'til you kids were grown up.
Doesn't make sense does it? Now you tell me who was most afraid to face the future without the same way of life. I've even tried to do a little flower arranging. I'll get a couple of pictures and send them to you if you would like to see them. I watch TV when I want to and what I want to watch, and I crochet when I want. Go for a ride or whatever I want without having to be any special place at any special time. I even made an afghan just for me --tee hee!
more from Feb 5 1982
No, I don't remember a Ray, but if he is a nice guy and is treating you a right, then I am glad.
Gee, I don't know when we can come down again. We'd like to come in April or May if we can but it may be June.
We just got all of the Dr. and test bills paid off. So now I have got to go again, and start all over. Also we still have taxes to pay. 'Tis a vicious circle we live in. Tee hee.
Yes we are getting along so very good & enjoying each other & life together so very much. It's just wonderful! We are even happier than we ever thought we'd be.
Hank said to tell you "hi," and that we love you and are so proud of you. You sure are my little glittering plant lover -- tee hee!
Write again soon. I'm writing with the feather pen you got me.
Feb 23, 1982
Dear Little Glittering Plant Lover:
You glitter even on paper. Did you know that?
How are the roads there now? They are pretty clear here. All except the ones not used much. They don't try to plow them at all up here. But they just said on the radio, that we are due several inches of the white stuff tomorrow. The sun is beautiful today. But it's only 30° & windy. We've had several days of melting snow, though only have 3 1/2 + 4 ft drifts now.
It looks like Spring inside anyway. I have tulips blooming on my windowsill now. Yellow ruffled with red stripes + red ones and my amaryllis bulb, I got it half price at Kroger. It's going to have 2 big flowers.
If Sonja answered my letter she sure didn't send it, by golly! Tee hee!
Honey, you are one of the strong ones, so once you get a little surer of yourself, adulthood should be a breeze for you. Get some training in what you would like to do, be sure you can handle it + go out and show them, (the world), that you can do a good job. Don't ever let the world lick you. That's what I'd always tell myself, back up, catch your breath and think of another way to tackle this problem. God said he'd always help and by golly, I'm going to make him do it. He can worry tonight -- I'm not going to. And do you know in the morning things always look brighter. I'm sure this helped me many times, to prevent a nervous break down. After we lost your dad, things got really, really rough for awhile.
I had always had a man to turn to & to take care of me. I was just as afraid and unsure as you are. I too wanted so bad to be a little girl again + creep into my mother's arms. That's one of the reasons I suggested a counselor. I started for Carol, she wouldn't go but he helped me understand her better + help her until she would go, and all the time he was helping me. teaching me I couldn't live the same way I had been, doing things the way your Dad had them done. I had to live the way I felt I wanted things run + done. Well, I did what I could about getting off the fence. I was like you. I didn't know which way to go nor what was best to do. But it doesn't seem to matter. Just do one thing and don't think about whether you did right or wrong. Don't look back, keep looking forward in the way you went & keep trying to make it better. This is what you've got to do.
Then I got married again and had to learn all over to keep my mouth shut, and let him make a lot of the decisions. And usually, I thought they were wrong -- tee hee. Now I'm learning and not worrying so much. But when he gets in a hole, I try very carefully to help him out. Funny how we have to keep learning all of our lives.
Hank told me yesterday, he'd never been so broke + so happy in his life. But he wanted to be the man and run things and do as he'd done when he was able to make big money. Now he's lucky to have change in his pocket.
Do your best during the day. Then in the evening, refuse to let it linger in your mind. Read a book, play a game, think of something else, and when you go to bed, don't think of it. Tell God, "I'm taking you at your word. You said how foolish we are to worry and I'm not going to. You take over, I've done all I can today. And he will help. I know I've been there.
You sound so like me. Hurts sometimes go too deep for tears to cleanse away, it seems. No one I ever talked to felt the same way I did when I lost your Dad. I'd start to cry + like you I'd stop. I'm not a cryer I'm a fighter but what was there I could not fight. I couldn't fight God so I was numb really. I felt no love for you kids. I knew in my mind I couldn't live without you. I just couldn't have gone on, + I loved you very much. But I didn't feel it for 6 months. Then when I started feeling again, it hurt so I fought it, I wanted to go back into my numbness. And that fact is making you even more special to me. I never realized before how much like me you are. Yes, everyone of my children are special, but not because you got me for a mother.
Every day I thank God because he gave me so many special people to love + enjoy. I don't know why I've always been so special to him + so blessed. But I do know I enjoy it and thank him for it. Just think how dull life is for some people. I've been in the hospital and had other new mothers say their baby looked just like the rest of their kids. No real excitement in finding out the different little features that makes each so different + special. Because God made us so that every hair on our heads are different even from each other. And I've always said I've had more riches than most people in this world. i had pearls, gold, and sapphire in eleven children, their smiling teeth, golden hair, and blue eyes sparkling. And my treasure hug me and love me. I've had and still have -- the best out of life.
Well Honey, I did a lot of preaching maybe, but I hope there's a little help in it for you. And baby girl, if I can do it, you can. You have grandpa's strength in you too. And besides, I'm getting older and feebler. You may need to take care of me someday.
Write soon. Love your mother, who is missing her little glittering plant lover very much.
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