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Letters to Madison (Letter 1)

Updated on January 10, 2018

When I found out I was pregnant with you, I was scared and yet overjoyed. Your father and I were not yet married, we lived paycheck to paycheck in a small one bedroom loft. We were together for a short amount of time before you were conceived, but we knew that we were in it for the long haul.

But all that is not what made me so scared. What scared me is the fact that I know I cannot protect you from ever being hurt, or terrified, or sad. I know that one day you will have your heart broken and I will not be the one you want to talk to about it. You will feel like the world is crashing in around you and you won't believe me when I tell you it will all get better.

I know these things because I went through it also. I went through break ups, drunk and miserably lonely nights not believing that it would ever get better. I've had abusive boyfriends, been taken advantage of, and committed for attempting suicide.

When I was 6 months pregnant, I broke down on the anniversary of my best friends suicide. She was a beautiful 26 year old woman who just couldn't break her depression. After three attempts, she succeeded. The fact that I couldn't do anything to save her haunts me to this day.

I want you to know all these things about me because I want you to see that now I am happy. I found your father, a wonderful man that would do anything for both of us. And one day, you will find the same thing. You will have a husband and children and a home filled with laughter.

Every time I worry, I remind myself that right now, you are a beautiful amazing four year old girl. You are funny, smart, and sassy, a perfect blend of mine and your father's best assets. No matter what the future brings us, I will always be there.


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