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Me in the Middle

Updated on February 28, 2018
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Ninuk Restiarima Fitri has been graduated from University of Muhammadiyah Malang in Malang,


Living as the oldest children of the family gives a lot color and pattern in my life. Especially at this age, when I officially hit my twenty couple of years ago, Mom showed me new different sides of our family. Not that I didn't know about these before, I was sure have heard the buzzs and saw glitches on the screen.


Mom knew well not to mention bad sides of the family when I was only 10, yet I knew. A children could sense something went wrong about their parents even though they didn't tell the things implicitly (we have our own way to figure those out). Now that I hit my early adulthood, things become clearer. Crystal, even. As same as you've already got your legal age to drink alcohol, she told me...things she's been thought about telling me long ago, consider that her daughter now in legal age and legal enough to know it all. Mom told her hidden stories like a flooding sea bank. She cried and being emotional during the process. I froze, literally can't do anything everytime she shared her misery. Good Lord I do wanna cry when I she cried in front of me, but I can't. My tiny consciousness screamed, 'You've got to be strong for your Mom'. I am glad that I can bear my tears. in contrary, my heart sinking to the depth of Mariana trench.


Every betrayals she felt, all those 'not the only one' thingy she's always rambling about now spinning in my head. Just to be honest, I even cried when I first listen to Sam Smith' Not The Only One song. (I shouldn't curse, should I?) That song describe my Mom's stories very well. (I've vowed not to curse). Like why? I feel so confuse. Why Mom told me this? Why I have to know this? Is it beneficial to me? Will this thing help me out to prevent future 'failure' in my mariage life? Deep sigh, I don't know what to say. My head is so stuffy right now.


I know this kind of trouble will be a contagious virus and you know what? Now my brother, he's infected. He became what people see as a 'failure' in the family. My sweet little brother, he's all grown now. A healthy teenager who's about to finish his senior high school. What I mean about healthy is his only body, not his all being. He is sick in his heart, at least that what he said in every chat we had. He also in misery, because of this. I feel so sorry that I can't always be by his side, as a suportive sister nor a good friend. He ended up looking for a new 'home'. He even got tattoos, my Mom told me.


I worried a lot about what happened to my family, my home. Thankfully I've finished my study so I don't have any addition things to be burdened of. Still, I don't know how to act. I can't just involve to my parents' problem. My ego said, it's their responsibility to fix things up, related to their 'personal' matters. All I really care about right now is my brothers and sister. I have three little brothers and one baby sister. My time in Malang is about to over now, meaning I'll be leaving this city in a month, yet I don't have any apliable solution for all this complex things. Seems like I still have no idea how to uncurl the messy string. Would my siblings feel more like home if I'm home? Would I be able to be a bridge between my senior high school brother to my parents?

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