Welcome to Mirthful Motherhood
Men may have a hemorrhage, bust a gut, or simply die laughing, but mavens and mothers know to snicker, smile, and smirk at life not to mention know how tickle themselves pink in a pinch!
This light-hearted lens is dedicated to females with funnybones and their families who adore them, even when that special time of the month rolls around and they act like a bat from Beelzebub.
Note: The next meeting of miffed mums and discontented dads will be held at the "Pi**ed Off Parents Pub or Pew" in your local neighborhood -- just name your time and date!
Image Credit: maralina @flickr.com
"The Law of 'Oh, No!" means that soda pop in a thermos explodes, Jell-O squishes and splats everywhere, and condiments such as mustard, ketchup, and BBQ sauce permanently attach themselves to white clothing.
AND NOW A WORD FROM CUTIE CUPID
Look, if you think you can persuade me to be good little girl with a bag of candy kisses and a handful of cinnamon red hearts on Valentine's Day, you'd better think again!
"The Law of Negative Consumption. Simply stated, expensive sandwich fillings such as roast beef or honey-glazed ham never get eaten. Out-of-season fruit gets sat upon on the bus. The last bagel that you secretly coveted but gave to your child gets immediately drenched in red Hawaiian Punch."
-- Excerpt from "Humor for a Woman's Heart" --
SOME THINGS REALLY BUG ME...
Image Credit: firstname.lastname@example.org
"If you are what you eat, then my children are Cheez Doodles and Ho-Ho's."
-- Excerpt from "Humor for a Woman's Heart" --
TELLING IT LIKE IT IS...
WISE WORDS FROM A WITTY WHIPPERSNAPPER: Part 1
PAUL REVERE'S MOTHER:
"I don't care where you think you have to go, young man. Midnight is past your curfew!"
Image Credit: Vintage cover courtesy of email@example.com
"The best way to keep children home is to make the home atmosphere pleasant -- and let the air of the tires."
-- Dorothy Parker, writer and poet --
WISE WORDS FROM A WITTY WHIPPERSNAPPER: Part 2
HUMPTY DUMPTY'S MOTHER:
"Humpty, if I've told you once, I've told you a hundred times not to sit on that wall. But would you listen to me? Noooo!"
Image Credit: Bill Mayer@flickr.com
WISE WORDS FROM A WITTY WHIPPERSNAPPER: Part 3
"I've got a bill here for a broken chair from the Bear family. Do you know anything about this, Goldie?"
Image Credit: Illustration by Dawn Maria DeMarco, courtesy of dont firstname.lastname@example.org
WISE WORDS FROM A WITTY WHIPPERSNAPPER: Part 4
ALBERT EINSTEIN'S MOTHER:
"But, Albert, it's your grad picture.
Can't you do something about your hair?
Styling gel, mousse, something...?"
Image Credit: email@example.com
WISE WORDS FROM A WITTY WHIPPERSNAPPER: Part 5
"That's a nice story, but tell me where have you've really been for the last three days."
WISE WORDS FROM A WITTY WHIPPERSNAPPER: Part 6
"Clark, your father and I have discussed it, and we've decided you can have your own cell phone. Now will you quit spending so much time in all those phone booths?"
WISE WORDS FROM A WITTY WHIPPERSNAPPER: Part 7
"All right, Napoleon, if you aren't hiding your report card inside your jacket, then take your hand out of there right now and prove it!"
Image Credit: firstname.lastname@example.org
WISE WORDS FROM A WITTY WHIPPERSNAPPER: Part 8
LITTLE MISS MUFFET'S MOTHER:
"Well, all I've got to say is if you don't get off your tuffet and start cleaning your room, there'll be a lot more spiders around here!"
WISE WORDS FROM A WITTY WHIPPERSNAPPER: Part 9
ABRAHAM LINCOLN'S MOTHER:
"What's with the stovepipe hat, Abe? Can't you wear a baseball cap like the other kids?"
Image Credit: Illustration by Jack Davis, courtesy of email@example.com
"My mother used to say that
there are no strangers, only friends
you haven't met yet. She's now
in a maximum security twilight
home in Australia."
-- Dame Edna Everage --
WISE WORDS FROM A WITTY WHIPPERSNAPPER: Part 10
MONA LISA'S MOTHER:
"Mona, after all the money that your father and I spent on braces, do you mean to tell me that's the biggest smile you can give us?"
Image Credit: "Mona Lisa" by Leonardo Da Vinci, (Musee du Louvre), courtesy of Karney Li@flickr.com
"It's not easy being a mother. If it were easy, fathers would do it."
-- From the television show The Golden Girls --
THE GODDESS OF GRIPE HAS SOME ADVICE FOR THE YOUNGER GENERATION...
Image Credit: J. Wagner illustration "Maxine" - Hallmark Greetings
"Ask your child what he wants for dinner only if he's buying."
-- Fran Lebowitz --
10 THINGS ALL MOTHERS SAY SOONER OR LATER...
2. Don't use that tone with me!
3. Eat those carrots, they're good for your eyes. Have you ever seen a rabbit wearing glasses?
4. Did you flush? Did you put the seat down? Did you wash your hands?
5. I'm going to give you until the count of three.
6. Put that down! You don't know where it's been!
7. Don't cross your eyes or they'll freeze that way.
8. I'm not just talking to hear myself.
9. Men perspire, ladies glisten.
10. Be good -- but if you can't be good, be careful.
Image Credit: firstname.lastname@example.org
"A family is a unit composed not only of children but of men, women, an occasional animal, and the common cold."
-- Ogden Nash (1902-1971), American poet --
"I would have made a terrible parent. The first time my child didn't do what I wanted, I'd kill him."
-- Katharine Hepburn, (1907-2003), American actress
Boisterous Babes Know A Thing Or Two About Boobs!
Of the approximately four million women who give birth each year, 70 percent will choose to breastfeed.
Who says those 2.8 million nursing moms don't need to laugh out loud, learn with unexpected tips and trivia, and take a load off their feet and their minds during this new phase of their life?
Image Credit: Boobs book cover - www.taryncoxthewife.com/385_Book_Cover.jpg
"When I was a kid my parents moved a lot, but I always found them."
-- Rodney Dangerfield --
MISCELLANEOUS MIRTH FOR MUMS
Mavens of Mirth can survive marriage and munchkins as long as someone can appreciate their lovely laugh lines!
For those who want their cake and eat it too...along with oodles of connubial bliss with a cherry on top!
This outrageous account of what it truly means to have your very own small bundle of joy will give new meaning to the merits and mirth of Mommyhood.
"If These Boobs Could Talk..." they'd say get a wiggle on and pick up this little gem!
A CLAUSTROPHOBIC COUPLE? - Actually, she just wanted to know if he was really allergic to a glass of warm milk, a plate of cookies, and sprig of merry mistletoe
Image Credit: The Gross Uncle@flickr.com
MIRTHFUL MRS. CLAUS
12 reasons why Mrs. Claus looks so happy:
1. She told a partridge to find somewhere else to perch for the holidays besides the pear tree freezing to death in her North Pole ice castle.
2. She lost her cool with a pair of tweet turtle doves whose billing and cooing kept her awake at night.
3. She advised the three french hens camping out in her kitchen to learn to cook or shove off.
4. She throttled four calling birds who wouldn't shut up and made a freaking mess of her living room...oh joy to the world!
5. She melted down five gold rings (belonging to Santa's previously-enjoyed paramours)...that was really fun.
6. She scolded six Canada geese a laying that they could stay at the North Pole, but only if they promised not to leave their poop on Mrs. Claus' front steps...oh happy thoughts of a spanking clean winter wonderland.
7. She reminded the seven swans a swimming in her backyard hot tub that they had to wear bathing suits, or risk being banned from the North Pole for ever and ever -- she's really getting into the ho ho ho holiday spirit!
8. She informed officials at Export Canada that due to an outbreak of mad cow disease in Santa's Cute Christmas Critter Farm that his Eight Maids-a-Milking would not be doing any merry moo-moo-ing this year!
9. She sent nine drummers drumming over to Santa's workshop, where they could entertain the elves or possibly drive them to drink (she's really getting in the seasonal greeting groove).
10. She stuffed ten pipers piping into a phone booth...she thought that might qualify for a place in the Guiness Book of World records (which might even surprise Sees-All-Knows-All Santa).
11. She fired eleven loose ladies caught lap-dancing with a dozen dastardly elves in Santa's workshop ...it never pays to get on the wrong side of Mrs. Claus!
12. She also fired twelve lords a leaping responsible for hiring the eleven loose ladies caught lap-dancing with a dozen dastardly elves in Santa's workshop...(come now, who else do you think keeps Santa in shape, gets all those toys ready, and the reindeer focused on the task for the night?)
Mrs. Claus Explains It All
For mums who need answers fast to all those difficult questions that come at Christmas time like: "If we have no chimney, how can Santa deliver all my goodies? Can all reindeer fly? What is Santa's favorite kind of cookie?"
"I don't visit my parents often because Delta Airlines won't wait in the yard while I run in."
-- Margaret Smith, American comedian --