Mommy's Lessons Learned - Finding Me
The Search For Me
The past few months have been very difficult ones. I find myself filled with all kinds of questions and feelings about my place and contribution to this thing we call life. I'm not sure if its all the circumstances that have happened in my life, hormones or mid-life but I find myself asking more and more "Is this all there is"?, "What mark have I made during these 43 years of life"?
Opening the Floodgates
2012 began with the passing of my beloved Abuela (Grandma) Manuela. I returned to Puerto Rico to say my final goodbye to one of the most influential people in my life. Along with my mother, my grandma taught me so many lessons in life, loving, faith, compassion & service to others. Being back in the place where I spent countless summers of my life with her and my Grandfather, transported me to a time when I knew life's simplest truths, I was loved and protected. For the few days I was there I found myself surrounded with familiar, friendly faces who were just happy to recall memories they had of me as a child and weren't interested in delving into my present situation. That in itself was very comforting. I was relaxed and at ease not having to impress anyone or having to rattle off what my life's accomplishments may or (in my case) may not be.
The day after my Grandmothers funeral I found myself face to face with my father, a man who never concerned himself with me or my life at all after my conception. I found myself compelled to prove to him that despite his lack of involvement, I became something. I'm guessing this is where the melancholy that has taken a hold of me for the past six months began. My need for validation from this stranger of a man sits deep inside me and no matter how much I try to deny it or bury it deeper, it always comes back up to the surface. The doubt, fears and tears continue to flow throughout me and I'm desperately seeking a way out from under the weight of this feeling of not being good enough.
Finding a New Path
So here I find myself in unfamiliar territory, wanting to move on from the pain of the past and in the long run teach my daughters some lessons the can use as they make their own way through life, but finding too many reasons against taking a major leap.
Right now I am considering returning to school but have yet to decide what course of study I should follow. I absolutely love writing, I've thought about teaching and nursing but I keep finding reasons why it wouldn't work out. The biggest reason impeding me right now is financial and the idea of spending money I could more wisely use on everyday living holds me back from making a concrete choice.
I find myself moved to tears whenever I hear/read/see a story featuring people from all walks of life, of all ages, finding a passion and crossing over hell & high water to reach their dreams. I wonder why I'm so filled with fear when people everyday are taking leaps of faith to accomplish their life's ambition, their calling. My ultimate goal is to find that sense of purpose, the feeling that I am doing exactly what I was created to do.
I've devoted so much time and love into the growth of my children that it never dawned on me that the time would come to devote some time into my own personal growth. I would love for my girls to be able to say "my mom is an incredible person...at a time when most people are winding down in life, she chose a new direction and demonstrated to us that we can achieve anything".
So in order to have the pleasure of one day hearing those words,I've reached a seemingly simple conclusion, I've got to dust myself off, clear my head of the voices of doubt, fear and inadequacy and believe that through the God-given gift of Motherhood, I can bestow upon myself the same encouragement I give my girls daily. So the time has come to....Just Do It!