ArtsAutosBooksBusinessEducationEntertainmentFamilyFashionFoodGamesGenderHealthHolidaysHomeHubPagesPersonal FinancePetsPoliticsReligionSportsTechnologyTravel

My Selfish Tears

Updated on January 10, 2015
Froggy213 profile image

In 2007, Greg's 23 month old Grandson was killed. At that point, he found a need to write about his family, crime, and local issues.

Jonda is Home

Tears have flowed and flowed.

I screamed at God, "How could you take her away from me?" God's answer-a hug from my Grandson and a tiny, "I love you Paw-paw."

Why do I cry and scream at God?

Jonda, my wife of almost 30 years, is now home. She is with Jonathan. Jonda is with her Dad, her Mom and her big sister, Kelly, who died as a result of a car accident years ago.

So why do I cry?

Pure selfishness.

You see, I thought God gave Jonda to me forever, and I realize that He did, but in spirit. I have felt my love's kisses on the back of my neck telling me it will be all right.

As my Grandson sits on my lap right now, I have realized that I still have work to do. I want my wife proud of me when I see her again.

I must thank all my friends and family who have tried to comfort and console me in this time.

I have come to a place where I wonder if I am not the 21st century Job. Job did not lose his faith and neither will I. Yea, evil has made a mess in my life, but I know and trust God will and can make it all good.

I have wondered if God was punishing me for past sins, but His Word doesn't agree with that thought pattern, after all, I asked God to forgive those sins by the Blood of Jesus, and His Word says He remembers them no more.

Lord, I ask you to guide me and lead me where You want me. I ask wisdom to guide me through this life's mysteries and decisions. I ask knowledge to use that wisdom for You and the fulfilling of Your Kingdom. I ask Your Grace when my thoughts or actions are out of line of Your Will and Your gentle hand will guide me back. I thank you my Father for the beautiful wife you blessed me with. All Praise and Honor to you my God; in the Holy name of Jesus Christ, my Savior.

A good internet friend of mine; Chris Esty who has The Bible Post, sent me this video which moved me and let me know there is still good in this world. Thanks Chris.

Jonda's Memories

Over the time I have been a member of hub pages, I have penned a few hubs about my loving wife.

The links below are all hubs about or for Jonda.

I love you babe and I miss your touch and your smile.

Jonda Boudonck-Rest In Peace my love.
Jonda Boudonck-Rest In Peace my love. | Source

© 2010 Greg Boudonck

Comments

    0 of 8192 characters used
    Post Comment

    • Eiddwen profile image

      Eiddwen 

      7 years ago from Wales

      Hi Froggy,

      I am so sorry for your loss and I have such empathy for you.

      I have nothing more to say that lisadpreston has not said already.

      You must grieve and you must cry but she would not want you to be too unhappy.

      She is still with you in whatever you do and wherever you are. Safely in your heart for evermore. Hence the saying:

      'They may be gone from our homes but never from our hearts.'

      I am thinking of you and God Bless you.

    • kimh039 profile image

      Kim Harris 

      7 years ago

      Froggy, thanks for sharing your grief and loss, and your "selfish" tears. You guys were together so long, and she was so young. I'm sure you had lots of images of the two of you much older together. Those are lost as well. God bless you and may you find peace and comfort. I'm glad you were able to express yourself here, and that you have a lot of supportive hub friends.

    • lisadpreston profile image

      lisadpreston 

      7 years ago from Columbus, Ohio

      Good gracious, God in heaven. Are you saying that your wife has now passed? You just lost a precious grandson and now this? My friend, my heart is aching in disbelief. I'm schocked, I'm confused, I'm angry, I'm sad, I just don't know what to think. How much despair can one man take? This reminds me of Job, from the bible. Job went through hell and he never cursed God. I have felt like Job myself more times than I care to mention. I am too numb right now to say anything comforting and the pain I am feeling for you is a bit overwhelming. If there is anything at all I can do to help you through this, I mean anything, don't hesitate to ask. I mean this with every fiber of my being. Anything, anything at all. God will never put more on us than we can bare. I used to say, why me God, why me? Was I that bad to have to endure so much pain? He told me, why not you? You are strong enough to bare it. He couldn't put hard trials and tribulations on a weaker person. They couldn't handle it. Maybe go off the deep end. One more thing friend, How is gold made pure? It is put in the fire. Robes of glory are waiting for some of us who endure God's tests and never curse Him. Let us learn from Job. Jonda is beautiful. God and His Angels have recieved her. She is a good woman. I can see that she was one of those people that would do anything in the world for anybody. She loved deeply, especially her family. she is at peace and she will visit you from time to time in ways that you will know it is her. It will bring you comfort. You learned so much about life and goodness from her and she knows that. She loves you very much. Take comfort in knowing that she hasn't really left you. She is there right beside you trying to wipe away those tears. She is smiling at the grandchild saying, "I love you paw paw." She really is sharing all of this with you. You have big things still to accomplish in regard to helping people. It will be with children. I love you friend and I hope I have made sense. Maybe not.

    • QudsiaP1 profile image

      QudsiaP1 

      7 years ago

      That was beautiful.

      Not because you mention how much you miss her now but because you always realised her importance even when she was alive. Both of you were lucky to have one another.

      Wherever she is, she loves and adores you and always will. May God help you find peace.

      I want to dedicate a song to your wife and to you.

      Blue October - My Never.

      My prayers are with you.

    • Happyboomernurse profile image

      Gail Sobotkin 

      7 years ago from South Carolina

      Phew, what a heartfelt, moving hub and a loving tribute to Jonda's spirit and memory. Thanks so much for sharing this with all of us during the tough period of mourning for your beloved wife. My thoughts and prayers continue to be with your family at this difficult time.

    • G-Ma Johnson profile image

      Merle Ann Johnson 

      7 years ago from NW in the land of the Free

      Love that smile..and the hub was wonderful , I also forwarded the song to a friend...:O) Hugs G-Ma My Prayers

    • profile image

      sarah 

      7 years ago

      love you too.

    • profile image

      Ingrid 

      7 years ago

      Thank you, Greg, for these wonderful words:

      "Lord, I ask you to guide me and lead me where You want me. I ask wisdom to guide me through this life's mysteries and decisions. I ask knowledge to use that wisdom for You and the fulfilling of Your Kingdom. I ask Your Grace when my thoughts or actions are out of line of Your Will and Your gentle hand will guide me back. I thank you my Father for the beautiful wife you blessed me with. All Praise and Honor to you my God; in the Holy name of Jesus Christ, my Savior."

      I'm praying with you.

    • Froggy213 profile imageAUTHOR

      Greg Boudonck 

      7 years ago from Returned to an Isla Del Sol - Puerto Rico Will Rise Strong

      You just did by your comment. Love you.

    • profile image

      sarah 

      7 years ago

      So beautiful Greg... Your hope gives me hope. You are truely an insperation to me. I only wish I could lift your spirits the way you have lifted mine.

    working

    This website uses cookies

    As a user in the EEA, your approval is needed on a few things. To provide a better website experience, hubpages.com uses cookies (and other similar technologies) and may collect, process, and share personal data. Please choose which areas of our service you consent to our doing so.

    For more information on managing or withdrawing consents and how we handle data, visit our Privacy Policy at: https://hubpages.com/privacy-policy#gdpr

    Show Details
    Necessary
    HubPages Device IDThis is used to identify particular browsers or devices when the access the service, and is used for security reasons.
    LoginThis is necessary to sign in to the HubPages Service.
    Google RecaptchaThis is used to prevent bots and spam. (Privacy Policy)
    AkismetThis is used to detect comment spam. (Privacy Policy)
    HubPages Google AnalyticsThis is used to provide data on traffic to our website, all personally identifyable data is anonymized. (Privacy Policy)
    HubPages Traffic PixelThis is used to collect data on traffic to articles and other pages on our site. Unless you are signed in to a HubPages account, all personally identifiable information is anonymized.
    Amazon Web ServicesThis is a cloud services platform that we used to host our service. (Privacy Policy)
    CloudflareThis is a cloud CDN service that we use to efficiently deliver files required for our service to operate such as javascript, cascading style sheets, images, and videos. (Privacy Policy)
    Google Hosted LibrariesJavascript software libraries such as jQuery are loaded at endpoints on the googleapis.com or gstatic.com domains, for performance and efficiency reasons. (Privacy Policy)
    Features
    Google Custom SearchThis is feature allows you to search the site. (Privacy Policy)
    Google MapsSome articles have Google Maps embedded in them. (Privacy Policy)
    Google ChartsThis is used to display charts and graphs on articles and the author center. (Privacy Policy)
    Google AdSense Host APIThis service allows you to sign up for or associate a Google AdSense account with HubPages, so that you can earn money from ads on your articles. No data is shared unless you engage with this feature. (Privacy Policy)
    Google YouTubeSome articles have YouTube videos embedded in them. (Privacy Policy)
    VimeoSome articles have Vimeo videos embedded in them. (Privacy Policy)
    PaypalThis is used for a registered author who enrolls in the HubPages Earnings program and requests to be paid via PayPal. No data is shared with Paypal unless you engage with this feature. (Privacy Policy)
    Facebook LoginYou can use this to streamline signing up for, or signing in to your Hubpages account. No data is shared with Facebook unless you engage with this feature. (Privacy Policy)
    MavenThis supports the Maven widget and search functionality. (Privacy Policy)
    Marketing
    Google AdSenseThis is an ad network. (Privacy Policy)
    Google DoubleClickGoogle provides ad serving technology and runs an ad network. (Privacy Policy)
    Index ExchangeThis is an ad network. (Privacy Policy)
    SovrnThis is an ad network. (Privacy Policy)
    Facebook AdsThis is an ad network. (Privacy Policy)
    Amazon Unified Ad MarketplaceThis is an ad network. (Privacy Policy)
    AppNexusThis is an ad network. (Privacy Policy)
    OpenxThis is an ad network. (Privacy Policy)
    Rubicon ProjectThis is an ad network. (Privacy Policy)
    TripleLiftThis is an ad network. (Privacy Policy)
    Say MediaWe partner with Say Media to deliver ad campaigns on our sites. (Privacy Policy)
    Remarketing PixelsWe may use remarketing pixels from advertising networks such as Google AdWords, Bing Ads, and Facebook in order to advertise the HubPages Service to people that have visited our sites.
    Conversion Tracking PixelsWe may use conversion tracking pixels from advertising networks such as Google AdWords, Bing Ads, and Facebook in order to identify when an advertisement has successfully resulted in the desired action, such as signing up for the HubPages Service or publishing an article on the HubPages Service.
    Statistics
    Author Google AnalyticsThis is used to provide traffic data and reports to the authors of articles on the HubPages Service. (Privacy Policy)
    ComscoreComScore is a media measurement and analytics company providing marketing data and analytics to enterprises, media and advertising agencies, and publishers. Non-consent will result in ComScore only processing obfuscated personal data. (Privacy Policy)
    Amazon Tracking PixelSome articles display amazon products as part of the Amazon Affiliate program, this pixel provides traffic statistics for those products (Privacy Policy)