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My Selfish Tears

Updated on January 10, 2015
Froggy213 profile image

In 2007, Greg's 23 month old Grandson was killed. At that point, he found a need to write about his family, crime, and local issues.

Jonda is Home

Tears have flowed and flowed.

I screamed at God, "How could you take her away from me?" God's answer-a hug from my Grandson and a tiny, "I love you Paw-paw."

Why do I cry and scream at God?

Jonda, my wife of almost 30 years, is now home. She is with Jonathan. Jonda is with her Dad, her Mom and her big sister, Kelly, who died as a result of a car accident years ago.

So why do I cry?

Pure selfishness.

You see, I thought God gave Jonda to me forever, and I realize that He did, but in spirit. I have felt my love's kisses on the back of my neck telling me it will be all right.

As my Grandson sits on my lap right now, I have realized that I still have work to do. I want my wife proud of me when I see her again.

I must thank all my friends and family who have tried to comfort and console me in this time.

I have come to a place where I wonder if I am not the 21st century Job. Job did not lose his faith and neither will I. Yea, evil has made a mess in my life, but I know and trust God will and can make it all good.

I have wondered if God was punishing me for past sins, but His Word doesn't agree with that thought pattern, after all, I asked God to forgive those sins by the Blood of Jesus, and His Word says He remembers them no more.

Lord, I ask you to guide me and lead me where You want me. I ask wisdom to guide me through this life's mysteries and decisions. I ask knowledge to use that wisdom for You and the fulfilling of Your Kingdom. I ask Your Grace when my thoughts or actions are out of line of Your Will and Your gentle hand will guide me back. I thank you my Father for the beautiful wife you blessed me with. All Praise and Honor to you my God; in the Holy name of Jesus Christ, my Savior.

A good internet friend of mine; Chris Esty who has The Bible Post, sent me this video which moved me and let me know there is still good in this world. Thanks Chris.

Jonda's Memories

Over the time I have been a member of hub pages, I have penned a few hubs about my loving wife.

The links below are all hubs about or for Jonda.

I love you babe and I miss your touch and your smile.

Jonda Boudonck-Rest In Peace my love.
Jonda Boudonck-Rest In Peace my love. | Source

© 2010 Greg Boudonck

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    • Eiddwen profile image

      Eiddwen 6 years ago from Wales

      Hi Froggy,

      I am so sorry for your loss and I have such empathy for you.

      I have nothing more to say that lisadpreston has not said already.

      You must grieve and you must cry but she would not want you to be too unhappy.

      She is still with you in whatever you do and wherever you are. Safely in your heart for evermore. Hence the saying:

      'They may be gone from our homes but never from our hearts.'

      I am thinking of you and God Bless you.

    • kimh039 profile image

      Kim Harris 6 years ago

      Froggy, thanks for sharing your grief and loss, and your "selfish" tears. You guys were together so long, and she was so young. I'm sure you had lots of images of the two of you much older together. Those are lost as well. God bless you and may you find peace and comfort. I'm glad you were able to express yourself here, and that you have a lot of supportive hub friends.

    • lisadpreston profile image

      lisadpreston 6 years ago from Columbus, Ohio

      Good gracious, God in heaven. Are you saying that your wife has now passed? You just lost a precious grandson and now this? My friend, my heart is aching in disbelief. I'm schocked, I'm confused, I'm angry, I'm sad, I just don't know what to think. How much despair can one man take? This reminds me of Job, from the bible. Job went through hell and he never cursed God. I have felt like Job myself more times than I care to mention. I am too numb right now to say anything comforting and the pain I am feeling for you is a bit overwhelming. If there is anything at all I can do to help you through this, I mean anything, don't hesitate to ask. I mean this with every fiber of my being. Anything, anything at all. God will never put more on us than we can bare. I used to say, why me God, why me? Was I that bad to have to endure so much pain? He told me, why not you? You are strong enough to bare it. He couldn't put hard trials and tribulations on a weaker person. They couldn't handle it. Maybe go off the deep end. One more thing friend, How is gold made pure? It is put in the fire. Robes of glory are waiting for some of us who endure God's tests and never curse Him. Let us learn from Job. Jonda is beautiful. God and His Angels have recieved her. She is a good woman. I can see that she was one of those people that would do anything in the world for anybody. She loved deeply, especially her family. she is at peace and she will visit you from time to time in ways that you will know it is her. It will bring you comfort. You learned so much about life and goodness from her and she knows that. She loves you very much. Take comfort in knowing that she hasn't really left you. She is there right beside you trying to wipe away those tears. She is smiling at the grandchild saying, "I love you paw paw." She really is sharing all of this with you. You have big things still to accomplish in regard to helping people. It will be with children. I love you friend and I hope I have made sense. Maybe not.

    • QudsiaP1 profile image

      QudsiaP1 6 years ago

      That was beautiful.

      Not because you mention how much you miss her now but because you always realised her importance even when she was alive. Both of you were lucky to have one another.

      Wherever she is, she loves and adores you and always will. May God help you find peace.

      I want to dedicate a song to your wife and to you.

      Blue October - My Never.

      My prayers are with you.

    • Happyboomernurse profile image

      Gail Sobotkin 6 years ago from South Carolina

      Phew, what a heartfelt, moving hub and a loving tribute to Jonda's spirit and memory. Thanks so much for sharing this with all of us during the tough period of mourning for your beloved wife. My thoughts and prayers continue to be with your family at this difficult time.

    • G-Ma Johnson profile image

      Merle Ann Johnson 6 years ago from NW in the land of the Free

      Love that smile..and the hub was wonderful , I also forwarded the song to a friend...:O) Hugs G-Ma My Prayers

    • profile image

      sarah 6 years ago

      love you too.

    • profile image

      Ingrid 6 years ago

      Thank you, Greg, for these wonderful words:

      "Lord, I ask you to guide me and lead me where You want me. I ask wisdom to guide me through this life's mysteries and decisions. I ask knowledge to use that wisdom for You and the fulfilling of Your Kingdom. I ask Your Grace when my thoughts or actions are out of line of Your Will and Your gentle hand will guide me back. I thank you my Father for the beautiful wife you blessed me with. All Praise and Honor to you my God; in the Holy name of Jesus Christ, my Savior."

      I'm praying with you.

    • Froggy213 profile image
      Author

      Greg Boudonck 6 years ago from On A Mountain In Puerto Rico

      You just did by your comment. Love you.

    • profile image

      sarah 6 years ago

      So beautiful Greg... Your hope gives me hope. You are truely an insperation to me. I only wish I could lift your spirits the way you have lifted mine.