- Family and Parenting
I wish my dad had known about me
Short bio of my life without dad
I was born on March 31, 1976. My life started out as a lie. My mother had been with my biological father for a short time when I was concieved. For some reason, my mom and her family decided to tell my father that I wasn't his, when he saw me as an infant with my grandmother. He was in the process of moving back to Oregon (this was Wisconsin) where he was from originally. I don't know why my mother lied to him, I can only speculate.
My first couple of years of life were horrible. My step-father beat me as an infant and toddler. He'd spank me at only a few months old, for crying. He threw me across the room for spilling my milk, and beat me from head to toe with a walking cane, when I was two years old, for trying to get my ball from the road. Him and my mother had my little sister when I was three. They finally broke up, and he passed away in a construction accident.
My mother was married once before I was born, then to my sisters father, then 4 more times in my lifetime (so far). The next step-father my sister and I had, beat my mother unconscious in front of me, brought out a rifle, threw my kittens out the back door into the air, and shot them dead. Then he molested my sister and I for several years. After many episodes like this, my mother left him, but gave him visitation of us every other weekend. She didn't know about the molestation yet. Just the beatings and killing animals, etc.
Keep in mind that my mother didn't tell me about my biological father. She told me my entire life that my father was my sisters father (the one who passed from the construction accident). My sister and I questioned it many many times as kids. It was obvious to us, and everyone else that knew us, that one of us had a different father. But mom wouldn't budge. She stuck with that story until I was 23.
Anyway, step-dad 3 was okay. He just didn't work most of the time. He did hit my sister and I a couple of times while drinking, or after drinking. As did our mother.
Step-dad 4 was a real jerk. He talked bad about us all of the time. All they did was drink. Then they'd get in a fight and we'd get kicked out of the house in the middle of the night! that happened several times! Mom was a raging alcoholic while I was growing up if that explains anything. She was a nasty person when drunk too. I hated her at those times.
She's now with step-dad 5 (she was married once before I was born so it's actually her 6th marriage). He's wonderful! When she finally told me about my biological father, her explanation was that she asked all of her other husbands if she should tell me about my dad, but they all said no. The new husband said "of course you should tell her", so she did. She only remembered his name. She wasn't sure how to spell it, and didn't remember anything else about him.
All my life I had craved for a father, a good father. I was very different from my mother and sister (and the rest of mom's family). I don't know how to explain it except that I always called myself the "white sheep". My mom and sister were both bipolar and were a lot alike, so they butt heads constantly! My maternal family is loud and obnoxious and they don't care who's watching. They never went to church, they never taught us anything about real life, etc. So the white sheep means that I KNEW even at a young age that things weren't right. I tested my mom, to see if she'd set boundaries, or show me she cared about my future somehow. But she didn't. At one point I was sixteen and living by myself! She was back with her last husband and my sister was in juvenile detention for a year. So I lived by myself in an apartment that my mother rented, but she stayed with her boyfriend all the time.
I struggled through school and I was a very lost child. I didn't love myself, I didn't know myself. I didn't feel like I fit into any group in school. I hung around drug addicts, and didn't even do drugs!
Anyway, I'm almost 33 years old now. At 23 mom told me about dad, but didn't do much to help find him. She ran into thousands of dollars, twice within 5 or 6 years of telling me, but didn't spend one dime on trying to help me find dad. I struggled with drugs and alcohol through all of these years. When I was 31 I started a job. My very first day a man came into the office and was talking to the other ladies. I overheard him saying that he finds lost people online. I wrote down the information and handed it to him. A complete stranger. All I had for info was my mom's name, his name (not sure of spelling) and where they were the year I was born.
One hour later he called me at work and had found my dad's family! But dad had passed two years prior, at age 52. He had had complications from Hepatitis C that he contracted in Viet Nam. But I also found out that I have 4 siblings!!! My sister growing up is still my sister of course, but we never got along. She's the total opposite of me, doesn't look anything like me, and is a drug addict who gave up her child. I've overlooked these things because she's my sister. But I never had a close sibling bond.
Over the next two years I talked to his wife Ruth, and emailed the oldest sibling, my brother Matthew. Him and I got along so well it's unbelievable! Then finally the only daughter (daddy's little girl) Heather decided to get ahold of me. We've been tight ever since.
I recently flew (for the first time ever on a plane) to Oregon to visit Ruth and the kids for five days and I can't even begin to explain the love I felt there. And they don't even need a paternity test, they know it as well as I do. I'll be posting pictures. You can't mistake us for family, that's a fact!
I already feel like a lighter, freer person. I am more confident. I feel so loved there's nothing like it in the world! When in Oregon I got to go to his house and look through his woodshop at home, and the kids gave me one of his favorite sweatshirts! I'm a sweatshirt girl, so that was so funny:)
I just have to say that if there's any women out there who are pondering on whether to tell their children who their father is or not, TELL THEM! It may not end up like my story, but I promise your children will respect you for it. I only wish I could've had my father growing up. I would've loved myself (because my father was a very loving man), I would've known how to get along in the world, and I certainly would've known men better (as a woman that is priceless)!
Please, if you're in a position where you don't know who the father is, for the sake of your child, figure it out! don't wait to tell them!!
Tell them now!
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