The Virgin's Self-Help Guide On How To Date
- IT HAPPENED TO ME: I Was Terrified To Tell The Guy I’m Dating That I’m A 27-Year-Old Virgin | xoJane
I had been mocked, rejected, disbelieved, and fetishized because of this stupid imaginary thing, but this time, instead of trying to hide this albatross around my neck, I was going to whip it out and deal with the consequences.
How does a virgin date if he/she is waiting till marriage? Is it possible to date and not have sex? How far can I take intimacy and not fall down? Or I am terrified to tell the guy I am dating that I'm a 27 year-old! These are some of the biggest questions and issues virgins face in love and dating.
I’m a thirty something virgin, waiting till marriage, and have dated successfully in Los Angeles. As I have been involved with both virgins and non-virgins along the way, I’ve discovered that dating the former is no easier than dating the latter. If you are looking to date and honor your chastity, I’ve provided some tips on how to reduce friction and stress, and avoid saying, “Oops.”
Did You Know?
In survey of college guys on how they feel about virgins and whether or not they’d be okay with her V-card status, they think it's a turn on if it’s something more meaningful like the start of a new relationship or a long-term thing.
“It means she respects her body and the power of sex,” says Matt, a senior at the University of Michigan.
“From a male perspective, it also keeps you from thinking solely about her in a sexual way because you know it's probably not going to end up with that. Also, the thought of knowing that she hasn't been with any guys makes her much more desirable, at least in my mind.”
Standing on Quicksand
I met a girl in church and shortly after we started dating. Although she wasn’t a virgin, she “accepted” I was waiting till marriage. And then a strange thing happened in the course of our relationship, she began to see my virginity as a conquest. And the red flags began popping up one after the other.
Whether it was my soft underbelly exposed or her own feminine wiles, she had doubts I could hold out. It began with mild teasing and joking. She would kid about wearing next to nothing around me as a test of my strength. What I didn’t realize at the time was that a seed had been planted.
And then matters escalated to the physical realm. Dates progressed from holding hands and kissing to massaging and heavy petting. I was tumbling headfirst into a mystical world and each time I craved more and more. It was the voice within, however, that kept saying she’s not the one you want to give your virginity to – she’s not the one. This epiphany eventually led to the breakup.
A Virgin's Rules To Dating
1) Draw The Line
You would like to remain a virgin
Not first date, but not too late either
Set boundaries by communicating your needs
2) Receive Confirmation
You will need their support
This should immediately follow your confession
Are they ride or die?
3) Talk As You Go
You're not perfect
Especially after compromising situations
Talking it out will help you in the future
4) Let Your Actions Speak
If you want to hold out, act that way
If you are teasing and misleading, sometihng will break
5) Be Wary of Friends
You are the company you keep
Their commentary on your relationship
A real friend supports; a fake friend says you're not in love till you have sex
Have You Had a Platonic Relationship?
This relationship, in particular, taught me a lot. It’s important to know your yourself. Every time I gave my ex a massage, I got hot and bothered. I entered an arena of temptation that nearly compromised something very precious and dear to me.
As the virgin in the relationship, you have the power. You have the power because you have decided to wait and they must align themselves with your vision to make the relationship work. If there is a constant struggle, if there is continuous disrespect, you must walk. It’s not worth the anguish and stress. There is somebody else out there for you that will hold your hand on this walk.
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A virgin’s naiveté is a weak spot. This causes us a lot of times to not set boundaries. If we’re dating somebody who’s had sex, chances are they know the right buttons and the weak spots.
It takes crossing the line with alcohol to know how many drinks you can consume before you’re embarrassing yourself. It’s the same with intimacy, unfortunately. To set boundaries of intimacy, it takes knowing when you’re in too deep. This way you can confidently tell your partner I would prefer no full body massages or walking around naked.
There were red flags at the beginning of my relationship with the church girl. It was evident that she saw my virginity as a conquest. I broke a lot of the rules above. I’m unclear whether or not I received confirmation, but her actions began to betray that trust. When her actions went awry, I should have exercised rule #3 and communicated my feelings.
Waiting till marriage and dating is not a combustible mix. It becomes flammable when there is not honest communication on needs, wants and values. It becomes toxic when there is no mutual respect. If you’re a virgin and waiting, I would recommend dating somebody whose core values align with your own. Waiting till marriage is like managing a business. You’re the boss and you set about hiring the right people to best carry out the master vision.
© 2014 Oswalda Purcell