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Parenting Tips: The Teenage Years

Updated on June 20, 2016
annerivendell profile image

Anne has a BSc in Applied Psychology. She has been married to the same partner for over 30 years and they have 3 children together.

Some do's and don'ts when parenting teenagers

We all think our generation is the best, but your teenagers will be the next ones to rule the world.
It is their job to push at boundaries; it’s our job to give a little
You can't always say "No"
Ask yourself: Is it really worth the fight?
They really can't see it from your point of view
You don't always have to be the parent
They will bang doors...just ignore it
Always remember, they DO love you
Relax and have FUN with them more often
Teenagers!
Teenagers! | Source

Stress of parenting teenagers

This is as much a lesson on lowering your stress levels when dealing with your adolescent son or daughter as it is on parenting. When you can remain on easy terms with your kids, life is much easier all round for everyone.

Every generation thinks that theirs is the best. They feel that the previous generation made a lot of mistakes and as for the younger generation…well, let’s just say they have a lot to learn.

But there comes a time when we have to let go, and give way to a new way of living, playing and working. Your teenagers are soon to be the newest generation, the ones who will make the new rules and laws, who will decide the new fashions and fads and who will do things their way. And so it goes on.


Teens pushing the boundaries

Of course, while you still have influence and a moral duty to your children, you want to instil your values and beliefs in them.

But remember, you cannot hold back the tide of time, and they will eventually go their own way, with or without your values and beliefs. It is their job to become independent individuals, within their community or society, and to develop their own values and beliefs.

They may very well be the same ones as yours, but first they will question, test and push at the boundaries.

So my first piece of advice to any parent is...

Is it really worth the fight?
Some stuff is important, some less so. You have to decide is it really worth the fight or can I let this one go.
A tidy bedroom would be nice...
A tidy bedroom would be nice... | Source

Choosing your battles with teenagers

Unless your want to be constantly fighting with your teenagers, decide what is really important and what would be really nice, and let the really nice stuff go.

For example, a tidy bedroom would be really nice, but a curfew may be more important.

Help with the chores would be really nice, but getting that school assignment in on time may mean more to you, and ultimately to them.

These are only examples, you decide which issues are the important ones, and really, you will be surprised how much less stressful it is for everyone.

You may also find that when you stop fighting over the ‘really nice’ stuff, the really nice stuff sometimes gets done of its own accord. No, really.

They really can't see it from your point of view
It has been shown that teenagers really find it difficult to emphatise. They are the centre of their world. Right now, the approval of their peers is far more important to them than your approval
 The opinion and approval of their peers is more important right now.
The opinion and approval of their peers is more important right now. | Source

Bargaining


Now you may find the idea of bargaining with your teenagers abhorrent, but hear me out:

Take a look at life from your teenager’s point of view.

They may be feeling pretty sore and resentful because you wouldn’t allow them to do or have something that’s really important to them right now.

Remember, they are the most important person in their life, and they find it really difficult to see things from any other point of view.

(This has actually been scientifically documented. See http://www.msnbc.msn.com/id/14738243.)

Then, you come to them looking for their cooperation.

Well, why should they?

“Because I say so”, you might answer, and so we have the beginning of another fight.

Your stress levels hit the roof and you still may not get the cooperation you need. Or if you do, it’s done with more resentment and bad grace.

So, do as you would do with another adult, bargain. ‘If you do this for me, I will do that for you.’ They learn that cooperation is useful and you get your cooperation and lower stress levels. Win/win.


You can't always say "No"
You won't lose control by occasionally giving in. Ask yourself how much it really matters. Are you just saying NO out of habit? Or because it's inconvenient? Are you REALLY being fair? Only you can decide.

Listen to your teenagers

When they ask you for something, or to be permitted to do something, don’t just automatically say “No”.

Listen to what they’re asking for, and why.

Ask questions, (but not in a challenging or negative way)

Discuss it with them, perhaps take time to think about it, and then, if you still feel you have to say no, give your reasons calmly and firmly.

Don’t get dragged into an argument. They may fuss and fret, but they will also know that you gave their request the respect they felt it deserved, even if they may never actually admit it to you.

You don't always have to be the parent
Sometimes just chat with your teenagers about their inerests. Listen and comment but don't lecture or instruct. They are becomming adults and you need to learn to begin to treat them as such. You don't lecture and instruct your partner or friends every time you interact with them (I hope!)

Trusting teenagers

Trust your teenagers sometimes to do the right thing.

Don’t constantly nag, remind or check up on them.

They know what they’re supposed to do and not do, you’ve told them enough times, now let go and trust.

And try not to show your surprise when they don’t let you down, nor to be too disappointed if they do. But do acknowledge it.



They will bang doors...
...sigh elaborately and roll their eyes heaven ward, but if they are still doing as you ask, ignore this for now. This also comes under Choosing your Battles

What is Secondary Behaviour?

And finally, something which some parents find difficult:

Ignore the secondary behavour:

Secondary behavior is the sighing, pouting, door-slamming etc that often accompanies reluctant compliance.

For example, when asked to go and finish that assignment for school, they may roll their eyes to the sky, mumble some smart remark and slam the door on the way out of the room, but they are doing as you asked, so ignore the dramatics.


Enjoying the teenage years

It is possible to really enjoy your kids’ teenage years.

It’s a time when their personality is developing and changing, when they are finding out their strengths and weaknesses, when life is exciting and sometimes scary for them.

It’s when they forge new friendships and relationships, (the scary part for Mum and Dad) and when they finally emerge into adulthood.

It’s not all drama and fights, at least, it doesn’t have to be.

Sisters-sometimes they fight with us and with each other, but the fun, loving times outweigh the bad times.
Sisters-sometimes they fight with us and with each other, but the fun, loving times outweigh the bad times. | Source

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    • annerivendell profile image
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      annerivendell 5 years ago from Dublin, Ireland

      Yay! Thank you for your vote, whowas. Yes, I enjoyed my kids teenage years. Communication is very important, isn't it? "Collaborate rather than control"; I love that phrase. Thank you again.

    • profile image

      whowas 5 years ago

      You just got my hub-nugget vote for this. Great hub. You make such important points about listening to your kids and treating them with respect, getting priorities right and enjoying your children's development into independent people.

      I have two kids who are 14 and 13, a boy and a girl, and we all have a great, happy relationship because I don't pretend I'm perfect and I don't expect them to be; we communicate well but respect each others privacy; we discuss our rights and responsibilities; we trust each other.

      As a parent it is so important to understand that your kids are living their lives now - childhood is not a preparation for life, it's just part of the continuum. I don't think a parent's job is to form and control their children; the task is to travel with them as a friend and companion, in love and trust.

      Trust your kids, is my message. Don't let your fears damage their natural development. Guide them and teach them restraint by all means but seek to collaborate rather than control.

      Trust and listening and being honest about yourself, too. That's key.

      Thanks for this hub. It's a gem.

    • annerivendell profile image
      Author

      annerivendell 5 years ago from Dublin, Ireland

      I'll be honest dndswordsmith, when my youngest daughter (now age 22) read that last paragraph, she laughed out loud. I tried, but didn't always succeed in ignoring the dramatics. She said she can still remember me saying "Come right back here Young Lady, and close that door again, quietly this time!" Lol. But I did succeed some of the time. :-)

    • dndswordsmith profile image

      Nique 5 years ago from Philadelphia County PA

      Oh man, "Barganing" my parents would think I was "WACKO" for that one. LOL I do see your point and how your teaching cooperation an compromise, great life lessons. "Secondary Behavior" that's the part I usually trip about with my teen. I'm gonna focus less on "the dramatics" and see how it works out. Good stuff!! : )

    • annerivendell profile image
      Author

      annerivendell 5 years ago from Dublin, Ireland

      Thank you GlimmerTwin Fan. I hope you enjoy your daughters' teenage years. It's wonderful to watch them blossom into full-grown adults.

      @ripplemaker I'm happy to know that it works with preschoolers too. I hadn't quite got the hang of parenting when mine were very little and so probably over-controlled them a little, in retrospect. Thankfully they don't remember it that way. :-) And WOW, I'm very happy and privileged to be nominated for Hubnuggets. Yay!

    • Glimmer Twin Fan profile image

      Glimmer Twin Fan 5 years ago

      My daughters' teenage years are coming soon. Really enjoyed this hub!

    • ripplemaker profile image

      Michelle Simtoco 5 years ago from Cebu, Philippines

      I work with preschool children and what you say is true...fighting does not work but finding the win/win way to a problem or situation is the best way to go about it. This is truly a helpful hub. Thanks for sharing your experiences. :)

      Ripplemaker News Flash:

      Congratulations on your Hubnuggets nomination. To read and vote for the Hubnuggets, this way https://hubpages.com/community/Yankee-Doodle-Dandy...

    • annerivendell profile image
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      annerivendell 5 years ago from Dublin, Ireland

      Thank you Pamela99. It worked well for us too.

      Suelynn, thank you for your kind words.

    • Pamela99 profile image

      Pamela Oglesby 5 years ago from United States

      I think this is a very good, informative hub for raising your teens in a healthy way. I agree with your methods, as I used some of them and they worked well. Awesome hub!

    • Suelynn profile image

      Suelynn 5 years ago from Manitoba, Canada

      Lovely hub, annerivendell. You seem to have a lot of common sense and are sensitive to your teenagers. Teenage years test the parental relationship to the nth degree and if you manage to stay sane, you're doing a heck of a job! Voted up, useful, interesting and awesome. Great job and a pat on your back.

    • annerivendell profile image
      Author

      annerivendell 5 years ago from Dublin, Ireland

      Thank you Starmom41 :-)

    • profile image

      Starmom41 5 years ago

      excellent hub- great info!!!

    • EmerKelly profile image

      Emer Kelly 5 years ago from Portland, Oregon

      Some good points there. Especially the one about secondary behaviour.

    • annerivendell profile image
      Author

      annerivendell 5 years ago from Dublin, Ireland

      Is it just a guy thing I wonder? My two girls are now tidy freaks, but my son...well, he IS a great cook! :-)

    • Kathleen Cochran profile image

      Kathleen Cochran 5 years ago from Atlanta, Georgia

      Great points. I let the bedrooms go with my three because I thought they were such good kids, I'd allow this bit of healthy revolution. Now I have daughters in law who have to put up with it. Sorry girls. They are yours now.