It Starts At Home

As a child, many of us went through traumatic experiences that have influenced who we are. They have impacted the way that we view ourselves, treat people, and our character. It shows in the way we speak to people, react to certain stimuli, or show affection. It's important to heal from the things that once broke or tortured you, so that they do not hinder adult growth and relationships. This way generational curses broken, and you are able to understand why they traumatized you and how to move forward. Go to therapy, remove toxic relationships, and learn to cope/heal through your trauma. This is something a professional must help one through. Today, I will focus on five ways to love your child a little more. You cannot eliminate all trauma, but you can educate yourself to avoid inflicting unnecessary trauma.

As a parent, you are the first person who provides positive and negative affirmations to your child. They are small people learning to navigate the world and many new emotions. You have to remember that when you speak to them and expose them to certain language (i.e. cursing, degrading language, and condescending tones). Your child may not understand all of the language you use, but they can feel the energy and emotion behind them. Talk to your child with love, even during discipline, and explain to them the feelings and intentions you have during these discussions. Help them navigate and find words to normalize and explain emotions. Yelling at a child can cause them to focus on the volume of your voice, as opposed to the volume of your message. You want them to learn to be a better person, but they cannot do that if their parents are unable to effectively communicate or treat them as such.

You do not want your child to grow up with memories of screaming, abuse, and trauma because you were unable to effectively communicate a problem or navigate your own emotions. Discipline is about teaching the child how to navigate the home and society using morals and beliefs to guide behavior. Spanking your son 8 times while yelling about how he should not talk back does nothing, but remind them that you flip out when someone speaks a certain way to you and you will hurt anyone who does. Instead, you can review how to respectfully have a conversation while on suspension from television or leisure fun. Find ways that actually teach the child to exhibit the modeled behavior you want them to engage in as the discipline. Playing too rough? Find an appropriate documentary/video about how it's important to play nice for safety and moral reasons. Are they misbehaving in class? Discuss the importance of how others view people and expectations moving forward. You have to discipline the mind, not the physical body. They'll remember the beating for what it was, but a positive discussion will be remembered because of what they learned and how you reacted.

Family dinners, outings, and vacations are important aspects of a child's life. These are critical moments to build trust and relationships with your children, so make them meaningful. It doesn't have to be expensive or extravagant. It's as simple as D.I.Y taco night or a movie day. Its discussions at the dinner table and trips to Chuck E. Cheese. Forcing your child to make their own TV dinner, eat on their own time, or, by themselves constantly creates feelings of abandonment and isolation. These are times to teach your child how to cook, dining etiquette, social cues and experiences, and what it means to be a family. Talk to them about their day, accomplishments, and life! Set routine time to spend with your child. If not, you'll regret it when your then-teen doesn't feel the need to discuss anything with you or come home for dinner. Appreciate the time you have while with them now, so they'll want to repeat it forever.

Your child is not your personal possession, so it is not your place or position to mold them into who you WANT them to be. Your child still has their own likes/dislikes, personality, sexuality, lifestyle, and goals. It is your job to help them find their passions and love who they are. The moment you find yourself forcing and coercing them to be someone else will traumatize them. You cannot dictate or decide who they are for them without taking pieces of who they are away. If they do not want to play sports or be pageant queens, then do not force them. If they want to dress unconventionally, allow them the space to do so. Clothes are created to express who we are and the personality we have. Of course, independence comes with age and I'm not saying to allow your eccentric child to immediately dawn their own fashions. However, I am saying allow them the space and opportunity to explore their style and who they want to be without associating and projecting your own negative stereotypes/biases on them for doing so.

With trust comes respect. You cannot have one without the other. The minute that your child can no longer trust you is when you've created trauma. It could be it's because you emotionally neglected them or physically hurt them, but your child will no longer look to you as someone they can come to with respect for you or themselves. Often times parents confuse respect with fear, but they are not to be misconstrued. It's different when your child listens to you because they trust you want the best for them, as opposed to when they listen because of fear of how you'll react to any objection. As a parent, you should use the same language and behavior you expect from your child with your child. If your child cannot repeat what you're saying/doing back to you or a random stranger, then it's probably best not to use that mode of communication or action toward them. You cannot expect to be trusted and respected when all you perpetuate is distrustful and disrespectful behavior.