Children with Gay Parents
Raising my children in same sex parent house
A question that I am frequently asked when someone learns of my same sex relationship is, "How do your children deal with that?" Or "Are your boys okay with that?" First of all, I have to address the fact that it perturbs me that someone would refer to my love life or relationship as the word 'that'. You would not ask this question to a heterosexual couple, even if one of the parents' was not a biological parent of the children involved. You would just assume that their children are okay with their relationship because the couple is heterosexual. Secondly, I find this question to be prying into my personal home life a little too much. What my family and I do in OUR home is OUR business. I am the one who has to care for my children's during their ups and downs throughout life and now so does my partner; not the inquisitive person who thought this was a great questions to ask a homosexual. Those types questions are terrible questions to ask someone, and is something you should really think about before you ask a person that you know in this situation. Ask yourself this question first, "If I know this information, what am I going to do with it?" If you find that it would be useless knowledge, then what is the point of asking such an invasive question?
Now, to answer everyone's question about my relationship and how my children have adapted to it. I have been in my same sex relationship for almost 6 years now, and to be honest, my sons have never questioned or commented on my relationship. They are almost 12 and 13, also in middle school now, and still have not showed any signs that my relationship is affecting them in any way, shape, or form. My boys are not the soft spoken type when it comes to me; they never bite their tongues about anything. And the only time they are mad at my partner or myself is when they get disciplined for not doing chores, a bad grade, and other things that preteen boys get in trouble for. I really think that I would have heard something by now if it was something that bothered my children; but I haven't. I can't predict what our future holds but if a problem rises I will cross that bridge at that time; if I have to.
The reason I feel I have been so fortunate in not having any problems is because I don't address nor press the "issue." Because it's not an "issue" it's just my life; it's our lives and how we live it together. I always had this feeling that if I started explaining myself to my children I would sound like I was a defending myself in a trial. My relationship is not a crime or anything wrong that I should have to explain or 'call attention' to. When you start to explain yourself you begin to sound like you're wrong in a situation and trying to make an excuse for yourself. I don't want that thought in my children's head for a moment. I never act like I am doing anything wrong (maybe because I'm not) so my children don't see my relationship as wrong or not 'normal.' In my opinion it is not a good idea to corner your child or children one day to say any of the following statements starting after the line, "We need to talk."
- "I wanted to tell you, I'm gay, lesbian, or homosexual"
- "Honey, Mom/Dad and [Significant Other] have a special kind of love."
- "[Signifcant Other] and Mom/Dad love each other no matter what people think."
- "You know a lot of people are not okay with this but...."
- "A lot of people have two moms or two dads"
- "Kids at school may make fun of you but...."
Or any other type of statement that could be considered negative. Saying these type of things to your children could potentially shed a spotlight on an unwanted situation. You are setting your child up to constantly have of fear of what others think. You are making them think that their mom or dad is a bad person or doing something bad. Not only that you may have them worrying at school that everyone knows about your relationship and that all their peers actually care about it. Were you thinking about your friends' parents and what type of relationship they had? We were all in school at a time and as adults we grew to know that kids can be evil to one another period, without any apparent reason. Regardless, if your children are growing up in a heterosexual household or homosexual one, your child will not make it out of their school days without being teased about something.
I have a wonderful relationship with my family. My boys are great kids, that are well mannered, have good grades, are open minded about life, and everything else that 12 and 13 year old boys can be. My children are not missing out on anything in life. We enjoy many family outings together and we also attend all school events as a family too. My children love my significant other and of course, they love my children back; that is what they need and what they have. I am glad that my children are in a household where they can see two adults getting along with one another, accomplish goals, be committed to one another, work through problems together, and share a lot of love. Those types of households are becoming more rare to find these days.
As you have read, I did not take any special measures toward adapting my children to a same sex household. They like any other open minded person accepted my relationship for what it is, and just incorporated it into their day to day lives.
As parents we take our children and mold them into what we want them to be, they are like sponges soaking up everything we tell them; negative and positive. So becareful what you say, point at, and make fun of; your children are miniature versions of you.