- Family and Parenting
Right or Wrong – What’s Desirable Approach?
Sometimes it happens that people tend to argue, who is right and who is wrong? The arguments know no bounds, they go on and on. The children pose this question in view of their trifling feuds. Husband and wife engage about the same. Participants in a debate argue with right and wrong notions. The companies engross in disputes with regard to the same. The list goes this way. From children to adults, from companies to landlords, from within the state to international echelon, the struggle about right and wrong has in scripted the human history.
The approaches that help resolve the issue varies from individual to a group, from insensitive issue to sensitive ones. Some favor sensible approach, some advocates negotiations, win-win kind of situation is another solution sought for. Approach matters a lot. Approaches may be beneficial and sometimes they prove to be a disaster. The human history has witnessed even wars to decide who is right and who is wrong. There are innumerable issues that need to be addressed. Let us ponder over two key family issues with regard to upbringing of children and Husband and wife relationship.
children are solace to the heart and comfort to the eyes. A home without children is like a garden without greenery. Their existence becomes a reason for pleasant and unpleasant experiences. One of them is there opening of mouth with lots of queries. There are three stages in which most of the children pose query about right and wrong. Firstly, they ask when they start thinking and making use of their senses. With a sheer innocence they ask I want to play with that toy. This affirmative sentence does not necessarily highlight the issue of right and wrong but yes their wish is a question and you need to answer whether he can play with it or not. Sometimes children ask about a thing, which they are not aware of. Like, as it’s quite familiar, why the sky is blue? How do birds fly? Why the sea water is salty? How big the world is? What happens when we die? One needs to answer the queries with a little elaboration. That means if that query is about bird, one has to explain how it flies and what should be the desirable attitude of the humans towards it. This approach not only enriches children with knowledge but also enable them to get a precise direction to set right their attitude.
Secondly children ask in view of their unwelcome disputes, sometimes with their school mates, sometimes with neighboring children and sometimes with their own brothers or sisters. Who is right and who is wrong matter demands a gentle care and need to be dealt with impartially and justly. Whatever may be the mode of argument and whoever may be wrong, be it your own child or his friend, must be given a just direction so that their argument becomes a cause of learning for both.
Thirdly when they grow up as adult, the need of giving specific directions with regard to the just and unjust attitudes becomes quite essential. Issues like their friendship circles, study methods, hobbies, passing time activities, liking and disliking etc. warrant a timely supervision and guidance from the parents.
The approaches adopt actually decides children overall behavior. The attributes like; God fearing, humility, reverence, modesty, honesty, kindness, sincerity, discipline, optimism and kindheartedness need to be developed. Since the abode of these attributes is, undeniably, heart, so it drives the personality towards lofty goals the same way as it pumps the blood. The overall behavior of parents becomes a role model for the children. So if one thinks of instilling these priceless values in his children, it is imperative to embellish his own personality with these. It’s but a fact that child’s mind and heart develops and so his intellectual and psychological aspects with lots of positive and negative shades by observing the parents attitude on the whole. The arguments about right and wrong provide an opportunity to shape the future of children. Don’t ever think such arguments as silly or unwanted rather encourage the child to engage in healthy discussions and debates. And if he is happens to be a toddler, become a part of his innocence. The gap between youth and elders matters here. One should adopt a balance approach in view of Ernest Hemingway as he rightly pointed out that “the error of youth is to believe that intelligence is a substitute for experience; while the error of age is to believe experience is a substitute for intelligence”.
How is your child
Are you satisfied with your child's overall development?
Can you single out a factor responsible for today’s declining moral standard?
Husband & Wife
The relationship between husband and wife is believed to be made in heaven. It means that a man who has been legally bonded with a woman and she is his better half now, must find comfort in her company. At large we do witness a harmonized couple. The honeymoon trips and the outings, followed by very happy days symbolized their much harmonized union. Being human disputes, disagreements, feuds of small measure are bound to happen. And various reasons bring into focus the issue of who is right and who is not? In such a touchy situation character of both husband and wife plays a crucial role. And so is the role of parents, other relatives and friends. It is believed that reasons like over-possessiveness, dealing with the child, cleanliness, dealing with in-laws, decision making, disagreement in sexual matters, work issues, extra marital affairs, disagreement in financial matters are the main cause of the disputes between husband and wife. This can be categorized as following:
1) Likes and Dislikes
Every one has born with his own likes and dislikes. The way the finger prints differ with each other so is the case here. Not all fingers are equal and not all likes and dislikes are common. So what? Husband like bed tea but my wife does not. Husband prefers a light morning breakfast but wife does not. The wife wants husband to look decent with his external appearances but he is not that concerned towards it. These small indifferences accumulate a kind of inferior or superior sense of I am right and you are wrong, the wrong is right and the right is wrong. Then starts the argument and it goes on and on.
Here the compromising and realistic approach does the trick. Compromising sense means a husband should correlate himself with the liking and disliking of his wife. This is nothing but an outcome of love and affection and emerges in the form of dedication for the beloved one. For example if getting up early morning and taking a brisk walk is very uneasy for a husband, he should try hard to adhere to it as his wife like it. Similar should be the case of wife in view of the likings or disliking of her husband for example if husband doesn’t like spending a lot of time in make up the wife should try to avoid. And realistic approach in the sense husband should avoid if his wife dislikes any of his bad habit, like telling lies and giving lame excuses etc. Wife should also try to be realistic in her approach. These attitudes twist the issue of right and wrong into a beneficial one.
There are some set priorities by which both husband and wife lead their lives. Problem arises when the priorities of both are not agreed upon. Husband priority is to save a portion of salary every month. Sometimes owing to some needs the wife demands that the salary should not be saved. The wife’s priority is to cook the food first later on doing some work for the husband. But sometimes husband needs wife’s help in a particular task that may demand an immediate attention. Here sticking to one’s own priority will cause a tussle between the two, in fact a little flexible approach will prove to be favorable.
3) Inborn traits and habitual facts
All humans have some inborn traits or habitual things that occur occasionally. Sometimes it seems to be hereditary. For instance, anger, impatience attitude, doing things in a hurried manner, sudden conclusion of an incident, less mingling with others etc. Some situations demand that one has to overcome the weaknesses. If he or she does not then begins another wrangling chapter of right and wrong.
The best thing that helps overcome such a situation is the love of better half on husband’s part and a deep sense of belonging of husband on wife’s part. It’s the love that plays a part of the solicitor all the time. A heart void of love does not find solace. The sense of belonging is a sense of “everything is mine”, a considerate acknowledgment that I am the sole owner of the positives and negatives of my spouse. The key to normalize a tense situation is a sense of possessiveness. Both husband and wife should try to develop it as much as they can. Without which the positives may cause an inferior complex or else the negatives may puff him or her with pride.
4) The material aspect
Dealing with financial matters, lavish lifestyle and work issues sometimes put the spouses on the right and wrong planes. It becomes quite impossible for both to decide what to do or what not to do. Sometimes savings become priority and sometimes spending seems to be a demand of the given situation. Sometimes spending extra time after the duty becomes priority of the husband and wife wants her husband to be at home soon after the dusk. Wife wants her home to be decorated and she must have lots of jewelry in her possession. The most important thing which can become a catalyst of the solution is the wise approach of the better half. She is, undoubtedly, owner of the house, husband’s wealth and the children. Though a husband earns, but it is wife that plays an important role in the systematic spending of the wealth. The question of who is right and who is wrong arises only when this particular aspect is detached from one’s mind.
By and large, this angle seems to be very rare, seldom a wife gets complete charge of her home. It’s true that outside-house matters are not directly concerned with her, the question may arise why to hand over the complete earning to her. If, in and off the house matters are clearly demarcated, then husband and wife can decide about the responsibilities according to prevailing condition. This approach may suffice and put an end to unwanted arguments. In case if husband and wife earning together then setting of priorities occupy the center stage, as discussed earlier both should try for a flexible approach to set their priorities.
Do you think that husband’s earning should be:
To be very specific, the cordial and flourishing relationship between husband and wife demands that both should:
- Develop intense love for each other.
- Consider their union is for comfort and happiness.
- Understand that a healthy family system rests on their shoulder.
- Realize that their jovial relationship help develop their children the way they want.
- Know that a happy married life for years together is possible with little co-operation, broad mindedness and a sense of forgiveness.
Beyond Yes Or No
There are various issues spanning to different areas from personal to individual, from familial to societal, where in the issues of right and wrong arise. Simply sticking to yes or no kind of stance does not justify the prevailing situation. If the argument demands healthy discussions and negotiations, one has to take an instant initiative. Unarguably the inquisition owing to which the mind tends to ask the right and wrong question provides opportunities to either flourish or rectify one or the other mistakes. Let’s hope that queries pertaining to haves and have not’s, right and wrong, just and unjust will prove to be as beneficial as water to a plant and food to the body.
(C) 2014 - Muhammad Abdullah Javed (m abdullah javed)