ArtsAutosBooksBusinessEducationEntertainmentFamilyFashionFoodGamesGenderHealthHolidaysHomeHubPagesPersonal FinancePetsPoliticsReligionSportsTechnologyTravel

How to Stop Blaming Your Parents

Updated on January 6, 2011

Scar Tissue and Shoulder Chips: How to Stop Blaming your Parents and Get on with your Life

Your parents did the best they could with what they had at the present moment.

Two year olds often scream to their parents about how much they hate them. Decades later, many of us are ashamed to admit that the extreme words, “I hate you” still cross our minds.

It is not uncommon for young (or not-so-young) adults to harbour resentment, frustration and perhaps even hate towards their parents.  If you’re lucky, this stage won’t last long, because it is utterly miserable.  The hate we feel for our own parents is often accompanied with a feelings of failure, futility, self-disgust, shame and guilt.  Who are we to hate the very people who made us?  We must be monsters. 

That said, you might also feel as though your emotions are entirely justified and unavoidable.   They were the monsters who fucked you up forever.  If it weren’t for them, you’d be married with children.  Or you wouldn’t have gotten yourself knocked up with that asshole who won’t pay child support, but keeps calling you to tell you what a piece of shit stroke of luck it was to meet you.  You would have become a filmmaker, instead of caving into your parents’ expectations and going to law school.  You wouldn’t have such unmanageable hair.  Your legs wouldn’t be so short and stubby.  The ways in which your parents could have ruined your life are infinite.  Maybe they never praised you and so you are constantly working your ass off to try and acquire the approval you didn’t receive as a child.  Or they inflated you with praise to such an extent that anything less than a complement leaves you devastated and inconsolable.  You tell me why you get to join the “My parents screwed everything up and now my life sucks” club.

I don’t mean to say that all of your parents’ mistakes were trivial and deserving of immediate forgiveness.  Parents say and do horrendous things.  Like each person on this earth, they possess the capacity to create immeasurable pain.  Being impressionable and sensitive, children often bear the brunt of their parents’ shortcomings.   I agree that parents come with all different levels of competence and sadly, there are people who do not possess the emotional or intellectual resources to take on the responsibility for something as precious as a child.  However, I think that there also is a wave of grown up children (which might include myself) who mistakenly attribute our childhood wounds to our villainous parents.  Our days might be less painful if we could truly accept and believe that our parents did the best they could with what they had at the present moment.

Of course, it’s easy to acknowledge this with the relative wisdom of a twenty-something person, but logic is difficult to reconcile with a distressed or disappointed eight year-old.  It’s inconvenient that I become this disenchanted eight year old every time my parents fail to fulfill my expectations, which don’t always take into account their humanity.   Alas, no one makes us regress more than our parents… 

I find it helpful to remember that once upon a time, my parents were children too.  Maybe they didn’t always get what they hoped and dreamed of, or even what they deserved.  They’ve probably experienced the same bitterness and anger towards their parents, as you feel towards them today.  But despite this, either consciously or unconsciously, they came to the conclusion, that their lives were worthwhile enough to create another one:  yours.  Sometimes I wish that my parents hadn’t come to this realization.  I have known myself to wallow in self-pity and dwell on all the hardships my parents caused me.  Certainly, my mind can create an unlimited supply of justifications for doing so.   However, as long as I continue to mourn the perfect childhood I never had, I will never be able to appreciate the extraordinary people who are my parents and the imperfect wonder that is my life.

Comments

    0 of 8192 characters used
    Post Comment

    No comments yet.

    working

    This website uses cookies

    As a user in the EEA, your approval is needed on a few things. To provide a better website experience, hubpages.com uses cookies (and other similar technologies) and may collect, process, and share personal data. Please choose which areas of our service you consent to our doing so.

    For more information on managing or withdrawing consents and how we handle data, visit our Privacy Policy at: https://hubpages.com/privacy-policy#gdpr

    Show Details
    Necessary
    HubPages Device IDThis is used to identify particular browsers or devices when the access the service, and is used for security reasons.
    LoginThis is necessary to sign in to the HubPages Service.
    Google RecaptchaThis is used to prevent bots and spam. (Privacy Policy)
    AkismetThis is used to detect comment spam. (Privacy Policy)
    HubPages Google AnalyticsThis is used to provide data on traffic to our website, all personally identifyable data is anonymized. (Privacy Policy)
    HubPages Traffic PixelThis is used to collect data on traffic to articles and other pages on our site. Unless you are signed in to a HubPages account, all personally identifiable information is anonymized.
    Amazon Web ServicesThis is a cloud services platform that we used to host our service. (Privacy Policy)
    CloudflareThis is a cloud CDN service that we use to efficiently deliver files required for our service to operate such as javascript, cascading style sheets, images, and videos. (Privacy Policy)
    Google Hosted LibrariesJavascript software libraries such as jQuery are loaded at endpoints on the googleapis.com or gstatic.com domains, for performance and efficiency reasons. (Privacy Policy)
    Features
    Google Custom SearchThis is feature allows you to search the site. (Privacy Policy)
    Google MapsSome articles have Google Maps embedded in them. (Privacy Policy)
    Google ChartsThis is used to display charts and graphs on articles and the author center. (Privacy Policy)
    Google AdSense Host APIThis service allows you to sign up for or associate a Google AdSense account with HubPages, so that you can earn money from ads on your articles. No data is shared unless you engage with this feature. (Privacy Policy)
    Google YouTubeSome articles have YouTube videos embedded in them. (Privacy Policy)
    VimeoSome articles have Vimeo videos embedded in them. (Privacy Policy)
    PaypalThis is used for a registered author who enrolls in the HubPages Earnings program and requests to be paid via PayPal. No data is shared with Paypal unless you engage with this feature. (Privacy Policy)
    Facebook LoginYou can use this to streamline signing up for, or signing in to your Hubpages account. No data is shared with Facebook unless you engage with this feature. (Privacy Policy)
    MavenThis supports the Maven widget and search functionality. (Privacy Policy)
    Marketing
    Google AdSenseThis is an ad network. (Privacy Policy)
    Google DoubleClickGoogle provides ad serving technology and runs an ad network. (Privacy Policy)
    Index ExchangeThis is an ad network. (Privacy Policy)
    SovrnThis is an ad network. (Privacy Policy)
    Facebook AdsThis is an ad network. (Privacy Policy)
    Amazon Unified Ad MarketplaceThis is an ad network. (Privacy Policy)
    AppNexusThis is an ad network. (Privacy Policy)
    OpenxThis is an ad network. (Privacy Policy)
    Rubicon ProjectThis is an ad network. (Privacy Policy)
    TripleLiftThis is an ad network. (Privacy Policy)
    Say MediaWe partner with Say Media to deliver ad campaigns on our sites. (Privacy Policy)
    Remarketing PixelsWe may use remarketing pixels from advertising networks such as Google AdWords, Bing Ads, and Facebook in order to advertise the HubPages Service to people that have visited our sites.
    Conversion Tracking PixelsWe may use conversion tracking pixels from advertising networks such as Google AdWords, Bing Ads, and Facebook in order to identify when an advertisement has successfully resulted in the desired action, such as signing up for the HubPages Service or publishing an article on the HubPages Service.
    Statistics
    Author Google AnalyticsThis is used to provide traffic data and reports to the authors of articles on the HubPages Service. (Privacy Policy)
    ComscoreComScore is a media measurement and analytics company providing marketing data and analytics to enterprises, media and advertising agencies, and publishers. Non-consent will result in ComScore only processing obfuscated personal data. (Privacy Policy)
    Amazon Tracking PixelSome articles display amazon products as part of the Amazon Affiliate program, this pixel provides traffic statistics for those products (Privacy Policy)