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Secret Confessions of a Mother

Updated on April 12, 2013
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Should I do this?

Confession time, I labored over whether I should publish this hub. Deciding to share your secret confessions can often backfire, but I've decided to take the chance.

Up until now I've made a conscious effort to portray myself as a model parent, the unofficial ambassador of parental positivity and love. But recently I came to the realization that it isn't doing anyone any good, least of all me. Being a parent is full of its ups and downs, lightness and dark, but so is life in general.

In this moment I am choosing to share my secret confessions as a mother in the hopes that it will free others from the chains of pseudo-happiness, and pseudo-perfection. I'm ready to confess...

Secret Confession #1: I don’t always like my children

I always love them, but sometimes I don’t like them. It is painful to admit and makes me feel as though I will lose the mother of the year award I’ve been vying for, but it’s true. When they are fighting non-stop, destroying everything around them and lying, I start doing the math to figure out how many more years to go until they are likely to move out. This isn’t all the time, but enough to make me feel guilty.

Secret Confession #2: I wanted to do something else with my life

I love being a mom, it's the thing that I am most proud of and brings me more joy and fulfillment then I thought possible, but this wasn’t the only thing I wanted to do with my life. I had dreams of becoming a writer and documentary film maker, of traveling the world and living life on the road. Don’t get me wrong I have no regrets, but every once in a while I wonder what that life would have been like.

Secret Confession #3: I am jealous

My girls are beautiful. And I am not just saying that because I’m their mother. They are all slim, blonde, tan and tall. They are all also adopted. I am, on the other hand, short, round and freckly. They eat non-stop and struggle to gain weight. Clearly that is not the case for me. The genetic gods were not nearly as kind to me in the looks department. I’ll call a spade a spade, I’m green with envy.

I love them, but they drive me crazy at times.
I love them, but they drive me crazy at times. | Source

Secret Confession #4: I lie

Just a few paragraphs ago, I complained that my children lie, but I do it too. Sometimes it’s just easier to lie then to get into it with them and sometimes I don’t want them to know the truth. I always thought I would be a truth at all costs kind of parent, but maturity and life have shown me that’s not always possible. There are a lot of shades of grey and the truth can be too complicated and tiring to explain to a child. Sometimes I lie to protect my children, but other times it’s to protect me.

Secret Confession #5: I did and do some of the very things I tell my children not to do

I am raising three preteen girls which is a veritable mind field of insanity and trouble. Between talking about safe sex, the dangers of drugs and alcohol, and online predators, I feel like my head will explode. But what I don't tell my girls is that I made a lot of the mistakes I am trying to warn them about. And furthermore, I honestly believe that making some of these mistakes is their birth rite as soon to be teenagers. So why I am selling them a myth? Why am I being less then honest about my past? In my head I have justified it by thinking that when they are are grown up they can make all the bad decisions they want, but while they are children they need to think that good choices are their only real option.

Secret Confession #6: I think school is utterly useless boloney and yet I send my children

Every morning my girls trundle out of the house, with their homework done, a healthy lunch packed, and a smile on their face to a place that I think is a complete waste of time. Wait, that's not fair, it teaches our children to comply and stand in line, so that's something. (Teachers please do not freak out on me, I know you have no resources and support etc.) But essentially school is a babysitting service, a place to send our children so parents are not responsible for educating them. So if I feel that way why do I make my children go you ask? Because the thought of home schooling them makes me want to run from my house screaming. After a summer with them at home I need them to go. Go play dodge ball for six hours straight if you have to, just go somewhere. Which brings me to my final confession.

Secret Confession #7: I like being away from my children

Not all the time, but when I say I miss them, I don't always mean it. I enjoy my time alone or with other adults. I get to be just me again and that feels good. It feels good to be more then someone's mother and only think of myself occasionally. I am not saying that I want to be away from them all the time, but I am not one of those mythical TV mothers who thinks of their child every waking moment of the day. Maybe these mothers exist and I'm just the rotten apple. My question for these mothers is "what do you do when your children grow up?"

One day I will spread my wings again.
One day I will spread my wings again. | Source

Free at last

Phewffffff! You know I actually feel better for getting that off my chest. I'm glad I confessed. I'm not perfect, I'm human. There, I've said it, even though I know no mother is supposed to. And I know this hub might be polarizing and poorly received, but I'm okay with it. I'm okay with my lightness and dark and being both a person and a mother. Now I put it to you, do you have anything you'd like to confess?

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    • Thundermama profile imageAUTHOR

      Catherine Taylor 

      5 years ago from Canada

      Ardie, thanks for reading and letting me know I'm not alone. I often wonder why mother's are expected to be perfect people. It felt so good to vent.

      amandabelper, so glad this hub struck a chord with you. Sometimes just knowing we're not alone in our less then positive feelings can help us feel better. Knowing that you can identify with what I shared here out here makes me feel better too.

    • amandabepler profile image

      amandabepler 

      5 years ago

      I felt like I had written this, it was just plucked out of my brain. I am with you on all levels with one exception, the jealousy one. I am jealous in a different way. Since my chidren are still young, they ALWAYS get all the attention.

    • Ardie profile image

      Sondra 

      5 years ago from Neverland

      Oh girl, I feel you on ALL of these! I do the things I tell my kids NOT to do, I lie, and I am jealous of their beauty. Its so nice to know Im not all alone here. Come on - let's hear some more confessions so I can feel normal =)

    • Thundermama profile imageAUTHOR

      Catherine Taylor 

      6 years ago from Canada

      Richa, thank you so much for your lovely words of support and encouragement. I too am hopeful that others won't feel so alone when they read this. Babies are easy to love, so enjoy this magical time with your wonderful son. Once they hit the pre-teen and teen years, it can be a very different journey.

    • Richawriter profile image

      Richard J ONeill 

      6 years ago from Bangkok, Thailand

      Interesting confessions here and most certainly nothing to be ashamed of because as the other parents above mention, parents are human too and need some form of life other than their kids.

      I have a 5 month old son and I love him more than words can say, however, I know from having helped bring up my little brothers and sister that in time, once he develops a little more, the real challenge begins!

      Bravo for putting this out here in cyber space where it could be read by hundreds and thousands of people - in time. It was a brave thing to do and a sure sign that you do indeed have a heart of gold, as the sense of morality within you urged you to make public your thoughts about being a parent.

      Just another step on the path to self-discovery is what you have taken, therefore, well done!

      Peace :)

    • Thundermama profile imageAUTHOR

      Catherine Taylor 

      6 years ago from Canada

      Thank you to all of you for your kind words of support. It was a dark day when I wrote this and took so much solace in knowing that I wasn't alone in feeling this way.

    • teaches12345 profile image

      Dianna Mendez 

      6 years ago

      Our children are our treasures and joy, but there are times when we need to take a break from their wonderful presence. It's good for both parent and child. Don't feel bad, it's normal to need this!

    • hawaiianodysseus profile image

      Hawaiian Odysseus 

      6 years ago from Southeast Washington state

      This is indeed en route to becoming an evergreen Hub! You spoke from the heart and soul like the FOR REAL human being that you are. No doubt in my mind that you love your children, just as I love mine. Yet, just like the wide spectrum of the rainbow, when you take on the responsibilities of parenthood, you take on ALL of its nuances.

      Thank you, Thundermama, for being the universal voice for parents...and, even more so, for having the courage to take that leap of spontaneity from the formidable cliff of Truth.

    • destiny17 profile image

      Karen Beth 

      6 years ago from Florida

      Every parent feels the same way you do. I don't know a parent alive that doesn't lie to their children to protect their children and sometimes theirselves. Horray for you writing this hub. Mayby if more parents would realize this is the norm then they wouldn't feel so guilty about how they feel.

    • First Colony profile image

      First Colony 

      6 years ago

      I don't think you should have any fears about how this Hub may be received. I think that if every parent would look deep inside themselves, they would agree with most, if not all, of these points. I do know of some parents who may disagree with the "I don't like my kids all the time" statement, but those are usually the parents who have just had kids. Good Hub.

      PS-Thanks for the fan mail.

    • Electro-Denizen profile image

      Charles 

      6 years ago from Wales, UK

      Fantastic hub, as a home dad I get all of what you say. One thing struck me though, was #6 - schooling. My son enjoys going to school and my daughter may too when she gets there; but to me, schooling is a lot like making human children into perfect little clones. Just today I said to my wife, can't we just sell up everything and live in a van, and you can sell bead necklasses in Glastonbury! - lol that went down well. I was joking - but only partially ;-)

    • Jennifer Stone profile image

      Jennifer Stone 

      6 years ago from the Riverbank, England

      I think you speak for parents everywhere in the world with this confession of yours... It just proves you are human! I for one can relate to every one of them! Especially about not telling them about your own past... my son is a teenager now (nearly 14) and it is so hard seeing him make mistakes that I made, or even just trying to keep track of him when he is "out"! He gets caught smoking, stays out later than allowed with lame excuses (sometimes I want to teach him not to get caught, but that would mean confessing all my sins....)

      Brilliant piece of writing that I'm sure speaks to parents everywhere! Voted up and all sorts, Jen

    • Janine Huldie profile image

      Janine Huldie 

      6 years ago from New York, New York

      You are not alone. I am right there with you on this. I love my girls, but damn it I don't always like them. There I said it too. Just the past two days my older one has been sick and between the grumpiness and whining, I have lost my patience a few times by now. Believe me you are not alone in your feelings and you are just saying what most are thinking. Well put and have voted and shared too!

    • Thundermama profile imageAUTHOR

      Catherine Taylor 

      6 years ago from Canada

      Awe bb, why am Inot at all surprised tht you are the first on here with words of support? Very appreciated.

      Btw, I read the wonderful interview with you in the weekly HubPages round up. So eloquent and succint. It appears big things are in store for you sir.

    • billybuc profile image

      Bill Holland 

      6 years ago from Olympia, WA

      Hooray for you my friend! You just spoke for 90% of the parents out there. I was a single parent for fourteen years and I can say with no hesitation that I did not like my son at all time and yes, there were other things I wanted to be than a full-time parent. I would have a hard time arguing about any of your points. We have all been there and all felt those things. Bravo to you for saying them out loud!

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