Thoughts on Adoption

There are many reasons parent(s) put their children up for adoption.

• They are too young to raise a family
• They have financial difficulties
• They are homeless
• They want a better life for the child
• Their pregnancy resulted from rape
• They are on drugs
• They don't have support
• They don't want children
• The unborn baby has deformities
• They live in an abusive environment
• The pregnancy resulted in a relationship breakup
• The father of the child walked out on them
• They have a disability that makes it difficult to take care of a child

For whatever reason, some people choose to or are forced to give their children up for adoption. It may be in the best interest of the parents, but in most cases it's best for the child.

There are negative and positive aspects of adoption. Some say it's a good thing, some say otherwise.

Let's discuss the cons of adoption. First is the stigma that comes along with giving up your baby. People may shun you and make you feel ashamed. They might even bully you about getting pregnant in the first place. If you happen to be the father of the child, you might be labeled as a "no-gooder". Giving up a child might be the biggest regret a mother or father could have. They may not want another child in the future. Being a single parent and sole provider is a great struggle. Trying to provide necessities for the child on a minimum wage salary is nearly impossible. Most will resent the child and most likely will cause harm in the forms of physical and/or mental abuse and neglect. Such actions may lead to the death of a child just because the parent was in a situation that could have been avoided. But there are also cases where a child is adopted into a seemingly loving family only for he/she to be brought up with so much sadness and hurt by the adopted family.

Now the pros of adoption. Adopting a child will fill an empty home with love and joy. A childless couple can begin a family. The adopted child may just have the greatest life.Giving up a child for adoption gives the child a chance for happiness and success that otherwise they would not have had. An adopted child will be happy surrounded by love and affection. The adopted family will also benefit from the adoption. Childless couples will have a family, single children will have a sibling to grow with. With each happy adopted child, the world becomes one step better.

Lenae is my daughter. She is now 24 years old and in college. She grew up to be an amazing woman. As a little girl she was open, friendly, kind, and generous. She had a very privileged life, not money wise, but rich in love and affection. She was so spoiled by her Auntie Lucy and I, but very well disciplined. She loves life and enjoys her many friends and is generally always smiling.

But this wasn't always her story. You see I adopted Lenae when she was a year and a half. She came from a home that either didn't want her or didn't know how to take care of someone else's child along with their own. She was left behind at the age of four months by her birth mother who returned to her home country. She spent almost two years in a very sad environment where she was kept away from others. When we brought her home, she was such a tiny little girl with no idea what to expect. She did not know how to love or how to accept affection. We would try to hug her and she would just push us away and turn her back on us. She did not speak and cried a lot. She was afraid of everything. But we loved her from the start and we did our best to be patient and nurture her the best we could. Our house was always full of other people's children so although Lenae was an only child, she did not grow up as one. She observed all the things and people around her. Little by little, she began to relax and accept us just one step at a time. That was all we asked of her. Then one day out of the blues, she ran to the front door and tried so hard with her very tiny body to block the doorway. She wanted the other children to know that this was her turf now and from that moment on life was wonderful. She began to speak like she had been talking forever. I guess she was like a sponge soaking up everything around her. I was caught by surprise when she turned to me one day and said, "Mom, I love you". I will never forget that day.

Is it right or wrong to tell a child she/he was adopted? If one chooses to tell, is there a right or wrong time?

I don't know the answers for the questions above, but I chose to tell Lenae from the beginning that I adopted her. I shared with her how I came to adopt her and why she was given up. She also was told what her first name was (I had it changed). Family and friends welcomed her to our family with just as much love as they loved their own flesh and blood. I chose to tell her because I did not want her to find out from anyone else and I didn't want her to experience the sense of not belonging. I have watched too many movies and listened to many stories of how adopted children accidentally found out they were adopted and their whole world crashed right before their very eyes.

Lenae never questioned where she came from. She didn't care because I was mom and that was it. When she turned eighteen, I was handing her a folder that held the adoption decree, consent for adoption signed by her birth mom, and her original birth certificate. She refused it saying, " You are my mom, I don't want to know." Now whether deep inside she wants to know, she hasn't shared that thought with me. I have encouraged her to learn about her birth family and to find out who her birth father was/is. But to this day she doesn't show interest. Who knows? Maybe in the future? Maybe when her children ask?

I do not regret telling Lenae her history before us. But like she always says,"You gave birth to me." Yes I do have a birth certificate and my adoption decree states that she shall be as my natural child.

It is entirely up to the adoptive parents to decide on whether to tell or not. I chose to and I am happy I did.