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Should Single Mothers Have A New Partner
Advice a newly single mum will not want to hear
Being newly single after the end of a relationship can be a scary place to be. I remember when it happened to me, some 25 years ago. I was like a lost soul wandering around the supermarket, reminding myself not to buy my husband’s favourite foods because he was no longer living with me and our two children. I won’t go into the sordid details as this is not the point of what I am writing. Except today that all I wanted was to create what I had lost and I thought finding a new man would be the answer to my problems. It took me another 15 years and a lot of heartache to finally find someone who wanted what I had to offer.
The reason I am concerned is that my daughter has now found herself in the same situation. She is a product of our times and had a baby some three years ago with a boy she met at a holiday camp, and marriage was not even an option. The relationship was doomed from the beginning. They never got along, came from different cultures and had nothing in common that was going to see them through a lifetime of trials and tribulations. She was young, 21, with a life ahead of her. She was at the beginning of a good career, bright, attractive, and popular, a good education behind her and BAM she’s pregnant with a boy she met at a Holiday Camp. She had the baby, the relationship broke down completely with the father and she came home to live with me.
Everybody rallied round and we managed to provide what a baby needs, I babysat, tried to get her back on her feet. She got back to something that resembled the girl of 9 months previously. She lost weight, started to want to go out with her friends and then I could just tell she wanted to meet someone new.
Now the reason I disclosed that the same sort of thing had happened to me is because my mum did the same for me. I had two young children and was excited after being in a disastrous marriage to make a new life. We were on holiday and the kids were playing in the sand and she said ‘I hope you do not even contemplate a new relationship for the next 15 years’ I thought I had heard her wrong. ‘What did you just say?’ She repeated it and I was really shocked. Did she want me to devote my whole life to two kids that would leave me in the end, forego any type of intimacy with a man, what the hell was she thinking. I was so angry with her; it was like I now had to face a life of drudgery, sexual repression, and loneliness. I never said anything because I thought she was bonkers and jealous because I had a new start and she had been stuck with my dad unhappy for 30 years.
I never forgot what she said and it irked me for years. Now I have the same dilemma as I do not want my daughter to meet anyone, ever. That’s even worse, but that’s how I feel.
She went out one night and met someone. He asked for her phone number and she asked me to babysit. He came, took her out, boosted her confidence a bit and then never phoned her again. She was distraught. I tried to give advice, told her it was nothing to get upset about, and that someone would come along that deserved her and my granddaughter.
HOW I WANTED TO SAY ‘Don’t bother, no one will be interested you have a child, give it up and take my mother’s advice and save yourself ten years of heartache. Cynical, yes... very. But I could not bring myself to tell her ‘forget it, there are a million girls out there who do not have babies what chance do you think you have now’. A bit harsh I would imagine is the opinion of others but let’s look at the facts:
- Children are hard work
- They cost loads of money
- She is not a free agent to come and go as you please, she expects him to be with her and he wants to go out
- They are someone else’s child
- His parents will not like him bringing home a girl with a baby and will do anything to put him off
- The real Dad turns up once a week to come and collect them and he does not want a constant reminder of your past relationship
- He wants to go clubbing, she cannot get a babysitter
- She had to be in bed early to make sure she gets enough sleep, he wants to sit up drinking and watching films till 3am
- He wants sex all the time and the kid gets in the way
- He notices that she has stretch marks and a bit of a flabby tummy and maybe some varicose veins
- She gets insanely jealous every time he goes out of the house because she is so insecure and tied to the home
- He wants to spend his money on himself not on her weekly food bill and anyway why should he keep someone else’s kid, not forgetting his parents and friends will be watching his wallet on his behalf because they will think she is setting a trap and she is not good enough anyway
This is a no brainer really, but with those rose tinted glasses on it the newly single mum will not want to admit that this is actually the case and will blindly go into another relationship under the illusion that if they have love it will conquer all.
I have seen this first hand and done it myself, so I am speaking from experience???
This is what she sees
- · Sex when she wants it
- · A father for her child
- · Company and companionship
- · Financial provision and security
- · Someone to help her with the child
- Social acceptance
- The change to make a home and share it with someone
- · The possibility of another child to complete her family
- · Someone to share the special moments with especially her child’s milestones
- · The search is over, she has someone, no more dating, let downs and rebuffs
- · Someone to share the burden of the home and do the DIY
- · Never having to sit on her own on a Saturday night when the whole world seems to be out having a good time
And a few more reasons, but this is not, and I say it again, more often or not what he will be wanting.
This is when the Desperation starts to kick in. The ‘I will do anything, put up with anything, and let you treat me like the shite on your shoe as long as you do not leave me’. Remember I am speaking from experience. So you see this is why my mum was right all those years ago and why I want to say the same to my daughter, but cannot bring myself to burst her bubble. I won’t, she will not listen anyway she has to find out for herself.
I know I sound bitter, but I am the eternal optimist and know that with the right frame of mind and forearmed with knowledge to weed out the emotional abusers, the free loaders happiness is an option. However in the middle of this is a child who has to go through the pain and suffering of the mother. They have no choice.
COMING NEXT ........COMMON BEHAVIOURS AND WARNING SIGNS OF BEING IN THE WRONG RELATIONSHIP AND CLUTCHING AT STRAWS BEHAVIOUR THAT DESTROYS CONFIDENCE....