Simply Missing But Lacking ( I love you Dad )
Please listen to this song while reading the hub.
I wish you were here.
You might have gone to a place far away from my reach, where my eye can’t gaze upon your glory, where my little hand can’t find safety within your palm, where my ear can’t listen to your heart beat like when I was a kid laying close to your warm body; you might have gone to another world, but your spirit remains tangled within mine.
I watched your soul fade, yet your deeds covered the floors and walls I gazed upon as I stared at your hospital walls. I tried to find consolation in people’s words telling me that you left happily with your religion and soul uniting up in heaven to meet their maker, but I failed at that; miserably if I may say.
To be honest, you have not left me, even for a single moment, even when you were at work at 4 am and I would gaze at my books at my university at such an early time. Looking at myself now, I see that the education I earned was paid not only by your money, money that you collected penny by penny by biting on your elbow and lips until they bled, but by health and blood as well. Indeed, you have shielded me when the stormy world was up against us with your own back, hid my face in your chest when times were bad and no money was earned, and yet, you were always there although life was never fair towards you.
So it is that the BBA degree I was granted a while ago had my name stuck to yours, and I would love to have my name and yours stuck forever, for I am your daughter, but more importantly my soul resonates within yours.
And although I walked upon that stage during my graduation, I heard my name and yours spoken one after another, daughter after father, followed by the word “with distinction”. I honestly felt like I have paid what I owed you. Reminiscing on that faked smile when getting my degree from the university’s president and true feeling of desolation, I know that no matter what I have achieved, no matter how high I fly, I can no more make your dreams come true. I can no more offer you a better life; I can no see you retire in your garden of roses and trees digging happily under god’s gazing sun.
Perhaps, there was wisdom in losing you before I could try and offer you some justice in this life. Perhaps, just perhaps, God wanted you to have your reward in the afterlife. Truth be told, I currently see this as an unjust act for your life here has been short and yet it has been nothing but blood, tears , and sweat. I wanted to make you live a better life, one that would prioritize you and mom make you breathe without calculating the costs of such act, yet I had plans and God ALMIGHTY and Grace had his own.
I now might believe, yet not wholeheartedly and may GOD forgive me, that there is wisdom in such an act that I view as cruel and merciless (and God do forgive me for questioning your decisions), yet I felt betrayed to lose you because you and my religion were the only things that I had. And I felt my little world crumble with your loss for you were the pillar of that world.
Perhaps I might not have shared this with you, but I do love you for the life you have led, for the pain you have endured, for the health you have sacrificed, and for the futures you have ensured with your sweat, blood, and life. Yes, it was my sibling’s and my futures that you have paved with your sacrifices, and no matter how hard I try to thank you I will always fall short.
I miss you ruining the whole house with your junk, spreading them, drilling the walls, making cages for the hens, hammering nails early in the morning and so on. I miss your mess. Now, your room is vague, empty, silent, and although clean it seems lacking. I can feel your presence in that room, yet I find no form to touch, no hair to rub, and no hand to hang on to. Yet, your memories are with me, forever and always guiding me, just like that dream in which you appeared to me early in the morning before you departed to your eternal resting place. I did wish several times after I found myself awake that I did not awaken from such a dream, and although I was a far, you came to bid us farewell, my sister and I. Failing again, at giving you a proper goodbye, I feel like I have broken the promise of not letting you die without seeing us all high achievers and leading proper lives. After all, I still have the promise I have made to you to lookout for MJ, Mom , and my sisters. So, I pray to God that I will be able to hold up that promise and make your soul rest in peace.
Again, thank you for the memories, sacrifices, for bringing us up into this world and molding us into people who will make you proud of the life you've sacrificed for our sake.
More importantly, thank YOU for paying for my education and growth with your health and blood. May God's mercy and grace engulf you and pave a path of nothing less than his paradise.
Lyrics were copied from: http://www.animelyrics.com/jpop/miyano/refrain.htm
Original / Romaji LyricsEnglish
TranslationKyou mo mata hitori koko ni tatazumi tada sora wo miageru Tsumetai kaze ni kokoro furuete boku wa ugoke nakute
Today I'm alone again, standing here, just staring at the sky. The freezing winds shaking my heart, I can't move anymore.
Mabuta ni nokotta itsuka no egao wa Katasumi ni saku ichirin no hana Karenai you ni namida de uruoshite ita
The smile from the other day still reflected beneath my eyelids is (like) the bloom of a single flower in the corner moistened by tears so that it doesn't wither.
Kimi no koe ga kikoe nakute kikoe nakute kurikaesu omoi Nee? Kienai de maboroshi de ii kara nee? Boku ni ite Boku wo dakishimete ano hi no mama
I can't hear your voice, I can't hear it, I think about it repeatedly. Don't fade away! It's okay if it's an illusion, just stay by my side. Hold me like on that day.
Hito wa dare mo ga itoshisa kanashimi kasane awase nagara Yagate kokoro ni MOZAIKU no you na ai wo egaite yuku
Anyone and everyone has love and sorrow entwined in the heart; just like a mosaic, love continues to be painted.
Bokura no deai wa machigai datta no? Kobore ochita futari no kakera wa Ima demo mada, kasuka ni kagayaite iru Was our meeting a mistake? Our scattered shards are still faintly shining, even now. Boku no koe ga kikoe masu ka? Koko ni iru yo kimi o omotte iru Kono namida ga sora e mai agari Kimi no moto e furisosogeba ii shiroku tooku... Can you hear my
voice? I am here, thinking of you. My tears are dancing to the skies- if only they could flow and reach out to you in the distant white... Kisetsu hazure no awai yuki-tachi ga itetsuita sora ni mai
chitte 'ru Onaji sora o kimi mo ima mite 'ru no kana Bokura wa mada tsunagatte 'ru kana The pale out of season snowflakes are dancing in the freezing sky. Are you looking at the same
sky right now? Are we still connected? Kimi no koe ga kikoe nakute kikoe nakute kurikaesu omoi Nee? Kienai de shiroku furitsumotte yo nee? Soba ni ite Kono yuki no you ni I can't hear
your voice, I can't hear it, I think about it repeatedly. Don't fade away! Please, stay by me, like this snow. Boku no koe ga kikoe masu ka? Koko ni iru yo kimi wo omotte iru Aa aitakute mou
ichido dake de ii kimi ni aitai Negai ga kanau nara tada aitai Can you hear my voice? I am here, thinking of you. Ah...I want to see you. just once would be good enough. I want to see you. If my wishes could be granted, I'd only wish to see you.