- Family and Parenting
Sometimes We Make It Worse...
When we go through trauma sometimes we simply cannot process what has happened and often try to return to the lives we knew; however, once we have endured traumatic change we cannot return to what we once knew. In my case I did everything I knew to return to the life I had, but the damage was too severe. Being a mental deficit though, there was no way we could actually see the damage and it took years for us to find the correct diagnosis's. Now we are finding ways to adjust and deal with life as it is, but we suffered years of damage at my hands trying to help and do the right thing.
If you read my previous posts you can see I began writing immediately upon my return from the hospital with the belief that everything was back to "normal." (I have since began writing under my name, but received authorization from Hubpages to use my previous post here for reference purposes.) Within three months I was back trying to work and successfully tanked two businesses. My husband was a saint about it, but I was absolutely awful to him throughout the entire process. I wanted so badly to be a functional member of the family that I did not know what to do.
I came dangerously close to not only destroying our businesses, but also my marriage. My husband went back to school once he realized that I could no longer nor would I ever be able to be a business partner. I saw this as a betrayal of trust, love, and support. In turn I did what a strong independent woman would do: I doubled down.
After many counseling sessions and a tremendous amount of soul searching I now understand why I did what I did. I write this in hopes of helping another woman who may encounter the same problem.
I was born in 1976, I am not sure how old I will be when this is read, but in 2015 that makes me 39. I was raised in a generation where as girls we were told that we could do anything that men can do and we can often do it better. I went to school, got my degree, I was completely self sufficient when I met my husband. We were business partners and friends long before we ever become lovers. Over time we got married and had our daughter. While I love being a wife and mother, the business world is where I identified myself.
You see, I was trained how to operate a business. I knew how to be an administrative assistant, I knew how to sell, I knew how to do everything except be a mother and wife. If I am being honest I did not trust my husband to do the things he was going to have to take over and in turn I became absolutely irate with myself that I could no longer do them. In turn, I took all of that anger and frustration I had towards myself and hurled it at him.
I threw myself into another business in a desperate desire to prove that I did not need him. I could do it all on my own. Long story short I failed miserably, and three guesses who took the brunt of my failures.
Since these failures I have found that most women feel very much like me, even without my disorders. You see, being a mom is a full time job, being a wife is a full time job, having a full time job on top of it is simply more than anyone can handle. Don't get me wrong, I know that most of us have gone to school, have loans, bills, and the cost of living is such that often both parents must work.
This hub is to let you know that it is OK to fall short of the absurdly high goal that we and society have set forth for ourselves. We need to make sure that we understand no one can live up to the standard of three full time jobs, that is 120 hours. Lets do some simple math, lets say you only need four hours of sleep a night (news flash, you need more than that as you get older!), if you only got 4 hours of sleep a night, that is 140 waking hours for the week. No one can maintain that for 18 years!
Cut yourself some slack, and cut your spouse some slack when they try to help you. Often they are not trying to make us feel "less than" they only want to help. When we attack them we only hurt ourselves.
Maybe I am the only one dealing with this, but I sincerely doubt it!
Lets Cut Them Some Slack
So now that we have established that we cannot do it all ourselves, I know it is a hard pill to swallow and it could take a few months, or years if you are as stubborn as me... Here comes the hard part: We have to cut them some slack. Lets face it, once we come to terms with this the first thing that we will feel is not compassion, puppy dogs, and feel good. Anger, frustration, and irritation come to mind for me. However, we need to cut the men in our lives some slack here.
Okay, so lets go over some basics:
Will they do things they way we would? No
Will they put things in the places we would? No
Will they parent the way we would? No
Will they save the way we do? No
Now that we have that out of the way lets think of why we married them in the first place. We did not marry our spouses to get a duplicate of ourselves. They are there to offset us and do things differently. When we take a moment and think about it, will it really kill us if they go out to dinner or take the kids out more than we do? They work hard for us, and we must find a way to support them in order for them to support us.
Believe it or not, you may just find that if you encourage them while they try to support us, they will support us more often and in turn the family is better.