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Surrendering to God
I've been home with my baby boy for 7 months now. I do not take this time for granted because I know it is something that not everyone is able to do. Every day that I am home with him is a blessing. Every day I give thanks for this time with him. Every day I can't imagine being anywhere else.
We originally didn't think having me stay at home would work out financially. We ran the numbers and the numbers did not add up to what we needed them to on paper. We decided that the decision didn't need to be a permanent one and that it could be a decision that was reviewed on a regular basis and changed as needed. That was our decision in a practical sense.
My body physically hurts when I contemplate leaving my sweet boy with someone else so that I can go to work. I honestly don't know if I could do it in these circumstances.
This time has encouraged me to focus on the present time. Do we have what we need for today? The answer so far has always been yes.
When I think about the future and try and add up the numbers, and try and anticipate our needs and desires and the balance between the two, it's a lot of doom and gloom. I am overwhelmed by anxiety. The thought of "How are we going to keep doing this?" and "How are we going to make this work?" keep repeating over and over in my head. I sit and stare at our budget, obsessing over which categories we can do away with, which categories we can reduce, and which categories are absolutely necessary.
I remind myself that the numbers have never worked on paper but that somehow the numbers have worked this far and that I am still at home with my sweet boy. I am afraid though that the numbers are slowly disappearing and that one by one, the balls will fall to the ground and the the juggling act will be over.
And then I think "Are we okay for today?" and the answer is yes.
I am reminded of the need to surrender. SURRENDER. To give up or abandon: my anxiety, my worries, my obsessing over our finances. These things get me nowhere. They don't bring me to a better place; the negativity only keeps me trapped in my thoughts distracted by my anxiety and obsessing.
The original decision for me to stay at home has been the right one for us. It has required a certain level of trust that our needs will be provided for in some way always. For me, this has been a trust that I've placed with God.
As I have been writing this Hub, it has dawned on me that God has never let me down. I am so blessed to have my wonderful husband, amazing child and everything else we have. I don't think I am called to live my life in fear; ideally it's to live through joy, love and peace. I don't know what the future holds for us, but I will continue to surrender and trust in my God. It means that if we see the need for me to return to work then that decision will be made with peace and not through fear and anxiety. That as right as this decision is for me to be at home with our son, I have to trust that whatever decision we need to make in the future will be just as right.
We don't know what the future holds for us, but we do know that for today, we have all that we need.
And for now, that is enough.