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Talking About Sex With Your Son
This hub is about an actual letter I wrote to my 15 year old son about sex. He already knew how babies are made and all that so this was kind of the next level. I wanted him to be aware of the pitfalls and pressures of having sex. This is it word for word:
I know we don't talk about this stuff much but I thought I'd give you a list of things to consider when it comes to sex:
1) NO MEANS NO. If a girl pushes you away or say's no or whatever, then you must stop. IMMEDIATELY, no matter how she was acting five seconds earlier. They can change their minds on you quickly because they have their own fears about sex or they may come to their senses after an evening of drinking; it's up to you to control yourself. This is especially true if you just met the girl and things escalate quickly because you might think she gave you a green light but that light can turn red even if she appears to be willing. If you don't know her you could find yourself in a sexual assault or rape accusation situation. Rough sex can cause bruises and those bruises then becomes evidence against you. It pays to know the girl well before you enter into any engagements where consent is critical.
2) It is not worth it to get a girl pregnant. PERIOD. Believe me on that. You have no idea how your life would change if you got a girl pregnant and she decides to have the baby. You will be LEGALLY OBLIGATED to care for that baby and if you don't pay the money they can throw you in jail. Even if you want to care for the baby you would have to get a job and that could ruin your career if it prevented you from going to college.
3) It is up to YOU to understand the situation with birth control. Do not assume the girl is taking care of it (being on the pill or whatever). You have to stop what you are doing and not do it even if you think it is ruining a romantic moment if you do not completely know what the situation is (it doesn’t mean you can’t continue to make-out or whatever; I’m just talking about making love). If you have a condom then it’s a bit of an awkward situation at first but you have to be sure of what you are doing and don’t shortcut anything or blow it off because you are embarrassed. If you are going to have sex and a condom is what is needed then either USE IT CORRECTLY or DON’T MAKE LOVE. Then practice what they call “safe sex” which is everything else short of making love; just always remember to be sweet and kind! Ha… Also.... as far as I know, no method of birth control is 100% full-proof. It is very rare for a woman to have a baby if she is on the pill and takes it every day without fail. I’m not a doctor but think about it this way; she says she’s on the pill but did she take it? So if you can't handle a baby (see #2 above), then don't do it. If she gets pregnant then she may agree to have an abortion but who is going to pay for it? You or me?
4) Of course abstinence (not making love) is the best way to avoid making babies. But I only say this so you know about it. It’s not the only way to avoid making babies.
5) Never tell anyone what you have done with a girl. Her reputation is number one. A gentleman does not talk or brag.
6) No matter what a girl does to you (break up or whatever) it does not mean you are not a good person or a worthy person. Sometimes people just aren't right for each other. There is a song that has a great line about this, "There's no good guy. There's no bad guy. It's just you and me and we just disagree." In other words, sometimes things don't work out and that means walk away and don't bad mouth her to other people. It may be someday that she realizes she blew it and should have stayed with you.
7) There is something called STD's. That stands for Sexually Transmitted Diseases. It speaks for itself. This includes AIDS, Herpes and other wonderful little problems that you do not want. Again, abstinence prevents this. A condom also prevents it. But you're playing with fire with sex especially if it’s a girl that you know has been sexually active with other men. Some ADULTS get AIDS tests before they have sex with each other. For real. Then you know it's safe. High school students don't make each other have a test before they have sex so you are taking a chance.
Finally.... there is the sin aspect. And I am talking about sin because I know your mother wants me to discuss it in that context. As you know, she and I don’t worship the same way. But I think things through and I have concluded that sin can be defined as any act committed by you that can result in negative consequences to yourself or someone else. A person could say don't have sex until you are married because it is a sin. Well, why is it a sin? You can say because the Bible says so, but I see some logic to it. If you have sex you can get a woman pregnant, catch an STD or just make her mad as hell (and believe they get that way) if you have sex and then just dump her. So these are all negative things. So if you wait until you are married, then theoretically, you are with a woman you are not going to dump, you know she is clean, because ya'll have taken your sex tests plus she is a woman with whom you are willing to have children. Typically this means you have graduated from college and can afford children. All of this is textbook stuff. You need to understand it and know it. I'm not saying wait until you are married. But you need to understand why waiting is an option. But it is true that very few people wait. Look, I don't want you to be naive and unable to know things about life, but I just want you to be in control of your life. A man who is not controlled by an attractive woman is powerful in her eyes. Beautiful women assume they can control a man with sex. Don't let that happen to you. You can be romantic and all that but women assume they have the upper hand and when they realize they don't then it's a game changer.
Son says: “Whoa! That’s a lot of information!”
Ha ha... yeah there's lots to say... you can read it again later and get the gist of it.... then read it again. It's a very big issue in life and can cause lots of problems if you don't walk the path....
The bottom-line in social gatherings is this: Don't be easy. Don't be a dog. Be a man who is in control and cannot be swayed or tricked just because a girl MIGHT have sex with you. They love a man they can respect and who respects them and is worldly about these things. Being worldly is not just about the act of sex; it is about the maturity and the mental games involved in all of it.
Anyway that's not everything but it's a start for a list of things to always remember. You can ask me anything; ANYTIME.... the main thing is that being in control and not being reckless is being a man. Being reckless and pretending you’re James Bond is not being a man. Don't let ANYONE tell you differently.