The 10 Baby Commandments
The world is a big place for a little chap like me and unfortunately parents don't come with instruction manuals (if only they did)! So I thought that I would write one. Here are some pieces of advice I would like to share for all you who were in fact born yesterday. Here are the mantras that I have lived by and that have carried me this far – there are 10 to be precise.
A Day in the Life of a Baby
Stretch, yawn, slap my Mummy's face
Oh great, look at that, she is wide awake
Morning Mummy, big hug, I love you
by the way I might have done a... never mind
Breakfast time and porridge is really yummy
Plus it makes Daddy's clothes look very funny
A little milk on the side I need strength to play
And cause lots of mischief when eyes turn away
You see being a baby is serious business
I have Daddy's ears to pull and Mummy's nose to twist
So much to learn and fun things to see
and every bath time I must have a big....
It's bedtime already I'm more awake than before
'Go to sleep' you say, I say you're being a bore
Though I'm enjoying this cuddle, I like snuggling with you
While I'm cosy and warm I might well do a …..
Perhaps some of the big people will read this also and some day come to understand how hard we work, day in and day out - its not all milk naps and cuddles...ok a lot of it is milk, naps and cuddles but we earn them.
Bite or lick everything- I mean everything! Apart from the fun range of textures and tastes you will encounter; the variation of responses you get from the grown ups is brilliant. My favourite response so far is from when I tried to eat the wheels of my pushchair- who knew Mummies could move so fast!
There will be days when a big person will leave you alone for a few minutes and you will hear them say to themselves 'Baby will be alright for 30 seconds; What's the worst that could happen?' We aren't old enough to understand the meaning of rhetorical so be sure to do your true diligence, experiment lots and find out exactly what is the worst thing that could happen while they are away.
Mummies do not like doing housework, it makes them sad. It is a kindness, therefore, to show her you care and feel her pain. Cry non-stop and passionately while she cleans; she will appreciate your act of empathy.
You are little so be sure to be loud, especially when out and about. With so many distractions at somewhere like the grocery store, it must be a tough job to keep track of us – make full use of your lung capacity and let everyone know exactly where you are.
You know how much they love our tiny little outfits, we do make them look extra beautiful. It's so sad to leave them sat in a drawer and we grow out of them so quickly so get through as many as you can in a day. See each fresh change as a new challenge to find a reason to need changing again; get creative.
Spread food everywhere...it's called sharing and is just plain fun. My personal best was rusk on the back of my head but see the possibilities not the limitations and smear away.
Socks are obviously important, we aren't allowed to put them down for a second without them being brought back to us. Never stop trying to figure out what they are meant for and if you ever do feel the wiser please tell the other babies. I have already eliminated chewing, throwing or posting under the couch.
When they are awake big people check on us regularly but a major flaw in the design of the parent prevents them from being able to check on us when they are asleep, this can be overcome by ensuring that they don't sleep for too long at a time.
When you hear the word 'No' don't be lazy, check repeatedly what it is exactly that they are forbidding, when you think that you have it worked out then check a few more times to be sure. As soon as everyone looks away check again to establish if it's still a 'no'.
I have to be honest – my methods aren't foolproof and I have broken one or both parents before. A broken parent is easy to spot by excess caffeine consumption, tears, shouting, excess sugar consumption, pulling out of hair or hugging the knees while rocking back and forth. If you suspect you have broken a parent flash them a smile...it really fixes everything!
Other Games for Funsies
I thought I would finish with a few fun game ideas. If you manage to keep to all the above and still have time on your hands, there is no doubt, you deserve some fun!
Fun with Words Big people are so desperate for us to learn the art of chattering (though I don't think I need to because my Mummy talks enough for the both of us); play on this desperation and have some giggles. Find one of their phrases that you can almost imitate, you don't need to be able to repeat it exactly just something close ('e-o' for 'hello' or 'gigga-goo' for 'I love you'). Wait till you hear them say your chosen phrase and repeat your imitation as loudly as you can- wait...everyone will stop...everyone will look at you. The fun and games to follow is indescribable, the voices and sounds everybody makes to try to get you to say your phrase again you could not imagine. Do not repeat it, just sit there and have a quiet chuckle.
Tissue/ Top Colds and sneezes aren't fun but if there is one thing that can be said about babies- we always make the best of everything (and never overreact when we are told 'no'). If you have a runny nose or have done an almighty sneeze try to wipe the yucky onto your big persons clothes before they get you with a tissue. With a little determination and a few gymnastic skills it is usually possible.
Hide the Toy This only works if you have toys that are a set (stacking bricks etc.) or that have multiple parts. When it gets close to your bedtime hide a few parts or a few from the set and leave the remaining parts in the middle of the room. As you lie in bed listen carefully while your Mummy or Daddy tidies away your toys, finds the parts you left and uses naughty grown up words wondering around the house trying to find the hidden bits. My stacking blocks are numbered and I love nothing more than falling asleep to 'Gordon Bennett- Where did he put number 5?!'.
I hope that this helps my fellow bubbas. Remember above everything- this is one big exciting world so never miss an opportunity to explore! There are new discoveries to be made every day, stairs to climb and laundry baskets to conquer. The world is your playground. Have fun and a few giggles.
Thank you for reading.