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The Abuse: The problems with speaking out
Speak out to the world if you have to, to be free
The problems of being heard
Every-one was nice, every-one was happy. On the surface. One step out of line and the youngest would incur the wrath.
"YOUR A NOUGHT!!!" (meaning 'nothing'/ nobody and assuming that if you're not somebody you deserve to take the wrath almost without doing anything. Suggesting that those holding that oppinion think very highly of themselves for being nice and possibly going further to suggest that they're not really all that good people that they make out. Just good actors putting on a clever pretence in a pantomime farce!)
But how can such self obsessed people listen to any-one else? They're too wrapped up in themselves, too busy putting on appearances and checking themselves to make sure they've got things just right.
Every one got on well on holiday. No-one seemed to see or want to see the signs that the man the aunt had married into was a sex obsessed pervert, though the policeman would say later that it was obvious, and even advise the now adult survivor of this less than ideal, far from the perfection it tried to put on to leave them. That proved difficult it seems families, and especially the home one grew up in -where less of the sexual abuse occurred; most being on holiday seems to have a homing device of familiarity. And it may be hard to understand why the survivor puts up with the old negative patterns many of which left the young boy susceptible to the abusive uncle. And these seem to be oblivious to those who don't care to change.
Two ears, one mouth
Do Parents/caregivers listen enough to Children?
How does a child speak out?
Believe it or not, some phrases are hard to say for children. If you think about it, it becomes obvious as to why. Not sure? -No, I mean "NO!!!" and imagine being told off for saying something, not trusted even scrutinised to oblivion when you do even though the confused lie you made was "years" ago. Or the £5 you were trusted with, or whatever happened when you were very small and probably shouldn't have been trusted with at that age anyway. Or even though you had supervision from an older kid; supposed friend, you never seem to have lived it down anyway.
On top of all that and the day in day out drudgery of being told to do, this that and the other. On top of "Go to school", "You like so and so. Don't you!", wait! What if you said no to that? Even to a friend, the girl next door; her face drops all of a sudden, which can be quite shocking, no matter how many times you rehersed it in your mind beforehand; but especially when you know said abuser's visit is iminent and you've been desperate to be heard. Even not believing you have because your young attempts to do so fell on deaf ears, or even arguments!
A young child isn't likely to say "I'm being abused!" or, "s/He touches me innapropriately." Inappropriately is a wrong word. And its replacement like "In the wrong way" is unheard of when incidents at school seem to determine that people can do exactly what they want. Scorn laugh, hit, beat you and so often the teacher actually expresses annoyance at actually seeing your face. And the hassle got when your mother is told it is you who needs the counselling. And yet the counsellor fails to help with the bullying. Even when you request a TRANSFER to the place you felt you wanted to be from the beginning yet he has to ask your rotten mother who not only forced you to go there, not allowing any choice but making sure you don't tell your dad. Discouraging any trust there; even though allowing him to stay one day per week -so he didn't take me to the pub whilst still TOO young!
So, tell me. What is a child going to say of the abuse/r?
"I don't like him!"
"Of COURSE YA' DOo!" gets bellowed back full pelt by, in my case, a mother with a very powerful, deadening voice -due, she says, to her own deaf issues.
"I don't want to go!" -when abuser phoned to arrange for me to visit, supposedly to help hinm out with his work. I think I did enough so that he could not be caught out with a lie, or a childs blurted truth! -they say such people asre clever.
How old was I when I was trying to relate all this? 4, 5 it was certainly going on then! But no about 14 when the subject even came up at school, I was a fourth year senior! I tried to speak, the counsellor seemed to enjoy an open door policy even through the minutes that were supposed to be for me. And he claimed seeing me at school was supposed to make it easier for me, but he enjoyed his chinwag with the teachers, esp. the prettier ones, not to mention the older students -one suspects, and "one" was there.
So, I ask again as people come in and go out of the office, and my head of year sat eating an apple gorping at the spectacle which was a humiliated self, every-one knowing I was seeing a counsellor. "Do you want to see a woman" he asked, after silencing me when I spoke of bullying etc. With "We know about that, we're not bothered about that." -but is there something in your life... Did I not just mention the bullying??? Did I not have to sit humiliated as the girl I had a stupid crush on, and even let my mind wander to during incidents of actually being abused as a way of coping with some of it. walked in and out with the shop trolley, which took place only a few feet away!
Then one day, I went dutifully at the usual time, half dazed. To get from one of the prat teachers, whom at one point I'd briefly considered speaking out to as he was one who took the lessons "Personal and Social development" -He'd do well to develop!!! "Go away ..(me), no-one's bothered about you!", I think it was a few days later his boss gave a speach as to how you got a better education at the secondry modern compared to the pass school because -and get this! "The teachers have more time for students"! ("Ha!!!")
All this topped off by the fact that the abuser is quite overly respected by the victims caregivers. Who don't know and wouldn't dream of such a thing!
Where You sexually abused?
Statistics I last read estimated 1 in 4 boys. And if memory serves may be 1 in 3 girls
Symptoms of sexual abuse
You may well ask. If it took me til 14 to even manage to say, or remember saying such simple things. Why?
I was encouraged by the family to believe in Santa up to age 11. When I was finally allowed to know what others knew from about 7-9. This lot wanted the boy that never grew up. Were /are not able to handle anything if it doesn't involve 'Play'.
I remember getting shouted at for repeatedly wetting the bed in my sleep. This went on until late junior school. There are more symptoms. At senior school, I was it seems rejected from having to go to special school due to showing a lot of aptitude for English -writing stories and Sport, though mainly football (UK: Soccer).
The best resource is a book called "Breaking Free, Carolyn Ainscough and Kay Toon", though aimed at women survivors is the most resourceful book. As a male survivor I have found very useful. And am grateful to the Adult Psychologist whom I saw via the GP. In contrast to the school who seemed more than keen to bury the bullying under the carpet in case it looked bad on them! Though, I had no understanding or awareness of this at the time.
some related writings
- risk assesment of a potentially abusive nature
- For the children
The academic argument of Nurture or Nature currently sides towards Nature;
- Some things paedophiles look for and preventions
The insight in this blog may be considered ground breaking as work so far on child sexual abuse has seldom focussed on what parents can do to more adequately protect their children and help their children protect themselves. Direct speak, limited/no