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The Mommy Wars: Do They Really Exist?

Updated on July 16, 2016

What Exactly Does "Mommy Wars" Mean?

This term started out as a term to define the struggle between two distinct groups of women. Stay at home moms and working moms. It has since evolved into much more than that. The term "Mommy Wars" can be classified as a group of small battles that revolve around the topic of parenting choices and raising kids.

The battles are all well-known and come is several combinations in regards to how a parent (because we aren't all just moms) determines what's right for their family and their child.

What Defines A Good Mother?

The answer to this question is all in the eye of the beholder. It depends on the generation you live in, it depends on the economic state currently find yourself in, it depends on the way you were raised and the way you view the world. At the end of the day, there is no one way to be a good mother.

However, the exact reason for the "Mommy Wars" is specifically to determine who is a good mother. The battles encased in this overall war between parenting styles and preferences when it comes to raising kids is all about which one is right.

Because at the end of the day, according to the philosophy of the Mommy Wars. There's only one right way to raise a child. What is the right way?

So, what defines a good mother?

How Do You Base Your Decisions on Parenting Choices?

See results

Who Decides Which Is The Better Mother?

To hear it told, when we talk about the "Mommy Wars" we want to know where the information is. However, there is no one set standard on motherhood and being a good mother. Who decides if you are a good mother depends on which person you speak with.

There are plenty of books out there, by numerous authors and parenting 'experts' who will tell you if you are good mother. You are a good mother if you follow their brand of mothering. But, what makes them the right authority?

There are scientific studies out there to make a case for the different sides of each battle in the wars. Those studies will all be a surefire way to tell you if you are doing it right. If you are indeed a good mother, if you follow the specific regimen found in the studies put to the test. Until you realize there are just as many scientific studies on the opposite side and they make just as many valid points. Which one is more accurate?

Surely your pediatrician would be the expert in childcare and what makes a good mother, the best mother. Then you come to understand that the pediatricians are subscribing to their own medical studies and their own expert opinions and there is nothing that doesn't have a hint of personal experience and bias thrown in there. So you may go to one parenting style doctor while your friend Sue goes to a completely different one. Which doctor paid more money for their degree? Does that make them the better doctor? Which doctor has the most initials behind their name? Will seeing that doctor make you the better mother?

Have You Participated in a Mommy War?

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The Philosophy of the Mommy Wars

So what's the purpose? What's the reason for these wars?

The wars between moms and parenting styles comes from the need to know that we are doing everything right for our children. Instinctively, for the most part, we need to believe that we are good parents. That our children will grow up to be good, well adjusted decent human beings in society.

The problem is, there isn't one way to be a good parent. There's no manual for child rearing. Not a standardized one size fits all version of parenting. In the end, most people will tell you the world of parenting isn't black and white, so then why do we treat each extreme like there are no shades of gray when it comes to raising kids?

But do we really think that way? Do we really believe it has to be one choice or the other and nothing in between can be right? Do we really hold fast to the ideas that one way is the only right way to be a good parent?

The Battles In The Mommy War

In order to compare the different battles and how they relate to one another, I put out a survey to the general public on the internet. I opened it up to 100 responses and asked for people to give me their honest opinions on either choice. I asked that they tell me what they do primarily with raising their own children. Then I asked them to tell me how they felt about the opposition and why they made the choices they made.

The 8 rounds of battles in the Mommy Wars are explored in the list of articles below:

How To Remove The Stigma of Black and White Parenting Choices

At the end of the day, this exercise has made it very clear that there isn't just one right way to parent a child. At the end of the day, children have been known to be effected positively and negatively from both sides of each battle's spectrum.

So, how do we get away from all the judgement? How do we make our little people decent human beings and ensure that you are a good parent?

By raising your kid by example. By showing them to be the person you would be proud to be.

In the end, no one wins the "Mommy Wars" and women are already too hard on themselves, no need to be hard on other women as well. The "Mommy Wars" don't promote good self esteem or uplift our fellow parents in the community. It should be the goal of everyone to help, advise, and support our companions.

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