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The Monsters Inside

Updated on April 18, 2016

mad-as-a-rabbit

Who am I? I don't know. I don't understand why I am alive. Why I need to experience life. I don't know why I am here now. I don't see the point of living my life. I don't know what to do with my body, mind and feelings. I always feel so disconnected, so different. Not fitting in. Always felt like an outsider in life.

Today I am forty six. I was forty six last night going to sleep. but when I wake up in bed in the dark, I am still forty six. Before that I was forty five, forty three ---- zoomed down, till I was all sad it happened. I sleep and dream in the joyless woods.

I shut my eyes just in time, I cried till I didn't have tears left. I just lay here counting the seconds. Millions and millions of seconds till I lost count. I wonder how it will feel to sleep and sleep to never wake up again. How can I free myself from the deep sadness that I feel and have felt since I was a child?

I have been told it's depression that it runs in the family. I am a highly sensitive person. Does that mean I am depressed. I am wired differently, my emotional tuning leaves me feeling delicate, empty and weightless for most of the times.

It is a curse for being a sensitive person that can feel the world so deeply, including the darkness. I am a prisoner here of my own device.

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