The Real Truth About Parenting, and Why It Sucks!
"After you spend an hour of the time you don't have feeding your baby, they will repay your kindness by vomiting all over you"
Truth #1: Parenting is Disgusting!
You're holding your beautiful baby, admiring it's perfect little face sleeping soundly in your arms and you're wondering how you have created something so perfect...and then you smell it. At this moment, you realize it is up to you, and only you, to get rid of this odor wafting through the air that would make a skunk cringe. You undress your baby to find a mass of poopy destruction that has, not only filled their diaper but, found it's way to their upper legs, lower back, and front private areas too. Thinking that you can kill two birds with one stone, you decide to give them a bath to make the clean-up easier; think again. The moment you place them in the bath and have cleaned them to perfection, they poop in the bathtub. Now, you have to get them out, clean out the turds floating in the water, empty the tub, and restart the bath; round two begins. This time, you successfully manage to get, and keep, them clean and you lay them down to put a new diaper on. The moment you reach your hand under their bottom to place the diaper on, they pee all over it. Does it ever end?
The good news is that this is a stage your baby goes through and they will learn to not leave their bodily fluids all over the place...eventually. However, the next fun stage they enter is when they decide that they don't want to wear a diaper at all! If you thought cleaning up the poopy bathtub and your pee-stained hands was bad, imagine getting your precious angel up from a nap to find that they have removed their diaper altogether. You can't help but stare in horrified disbelief at the poopy monster that has replaced your baby. They are covered in poop and pee, from head-to-toe, it's on each bar of the crib, on their sheets, pillows, stuffed-animals, and even the wall. Slowly, you walk towards your child, who is smiling, proud of their poop explosion, when you begin to feel a warm sensation under your feet; there is poop all over the floor.
At bed-time, you put extra layers on your baby to prevent them from taking their diaper off again only to find that, in the morning, they have done it again! This time, you put a complex outfit on them for nap-time, one with a zipper or overalls that seem impossible to escape from...but they do, again. Let me save you the trouble by telling you the truth now, no matter what you do, they will get that diaper off. You can put their clothes on backwards so the zipper is in the back, you can duct tape their diaper, you can place underwear over their diaper, you can even put them in a little baby straightjacket, but in the end, the diaper will come off. It is just best to accept you're raising a mini-ninja and let it go. Look at the positive here, you're teaching your baby problem-solving skills at a young age!
Wait, did you think that poop and pee were the only dirty mess you would have to deal with? Are you imagining how it could get any worse? It can, and it will! After you spend an hour of the time you don't have feeding your baby, they will repay your kindness by vomiting all over you. You can prepare all you want for this, you can buy bibs and place your baby's mouth over it when you're done feeding them. However, your baby will see this as a challenge and decide to vomit everywhere but on this bib. The best thing you can do is recognize the challenges you're going to continue facing with your exorcist baby and always have an an extra pair of clothes, or five, handy.
When they get older, I hate to inform you that it doesn't get better. If anything, it gets worse because, now, they are making the messes on purpose. Your fully-potty trained, school-aged child will poop their pants because they just didn't feel like walking all the way to the bathroom. They will redecorate your home with markers, glue, paint, boogers, snot, and spit; the creative little sweethearts. The bottom-line here is that parenting is absolutely disgusting and there are not enough showers in the world to remove that level of gross!
"Did you want to use the bathroom? Of couse you can, but your baby will be sitting right next to you on the floor, poking your butt and trying to sit on your lap"
Truth #2: Children are Sociopaths!
Allow me to break down the definition of a sociopath and why all children fall into this category. One feature of a sociopath is that they are egotistical, it's all about them, just as it is all about your child. Don't you dare think about taking a nap while your baby is because, the moment you lay your head down, your child will sense this and decide it's time to wake up. I'm sorry, did you want to eat right now? Well, so does your baby and you're going to feed them NOW. Wait, they don't want to eat the oatmeal you gave them, they want your pizza that you decided was a good idea to eat with them in the house. They will scream, cry, hit, and throw their oatmeal at you until you give them that pizza. Don't you dare go grab anything else to eat because they will want that to. They don't want the food because it's pizza, they want it because it's yours! It doesn't matter if you give it to them or not, they will come take it from you, right from your mouth if necessary. Furthermore, you can forget about getting anything done while your child is awake because you are not allowed to leave the room. Did you want to use the bathroom? Of couse you can, but your baby will be sitting right next to you on the floor, poking your butt and trying to sit on your lap.
Sociopaths have poor judgement and fail to learn by experience, as do children. Your child sees a fire burning and, even though you have told them not to touch it because it will hurt, they do it anyway. The crazy thing is that, even though it hurt them immensely the first time, they will do it again, and again, and probably again. You put your child in time-out because they hit you, when they get out, they walk right up to you and do it again. You tell them not to touch the super-glue, you even demonstrate how sticky it is and that it's dangerous. Your child decides to call your bluff and see for themselves just how sticky it really is by placing it all over their hands and you spend the next hour peeling it off, while they scream at you because of the pain. Guess what though? Tomorrow, they will do it again and you will go through the same process of peeling it off while they cry. That should teach them, right? Nope, later in the week, they will do it a few more times.
The last component I have to mention is that a sociopath doesn't feel remorse or empathy for others, neither does your child. You try to teach you child a lesson when they hit you by pretending to cry. Your child responds to this by lifting your head up, smiling at you, and then slapping you in the face. Your child just threw your important work documents in the toilet and, guess what, they think it's hilarious! Your child will watch as you clean up their toys around the house with pleasant satisfaction, as they sit on the couch watching cartoons.
As you can see, children do not differ much from sociopaths, they are selfish little turds who don't care about your feelings.
"We spend the first few years of their lives teaching them to talk, only to beg them to shut up when they get older"
Truth #3: The Absence of Silence
Do you value your hearing? Well, if you have children, it's too late, you're screwed. From the moment they are born, your baby will make you wish that they had a mute button. As babies, since they can't speak, they will cry for everything they need. Hungry = crying, tired = crying, bored =crying, Soiled/poopy = crying...are you seeing a pattern here? Unfortuntely, they don't know any other way to get your attention other than crying, so get used to it.
Fortunately, this will prepare you for the later stages of childhood when they begin talking. You may think the crying is worse than the talking, but you are very wrong and it starts well before they learn to complete full sentences. When a toddler learns to talk, they use fragmented english to communicate by saying things like "cup", "poopy", "eat", and their personal favorite "why?" You will be reminiscent of the times when your baby would cry to communicate as your toddler spends the whole day responding to you with 'why'. It's time for bed = why?, because it's bedtime = why?, because it's late = why?, because I said so = why?...get the point? Don't forget, just because they can say words doesn't mean the crying is gone, they will still do this as well.
The worst stage if when they do learn how to complete full sentences. It's ironic because, as parents, we spend the first few years of their lives teaching them to talk, only to beg them to shut up when they get older. Because children know everything, they will spend all day, every day, telling you about all the things they know because you couldn't possibly know the things they do. You may think this sounds adorable but, after they have told you that the sky is blue 50 times in one day, it's not so cute. It's like, because children are so excited to have this new ability of language, they can't wait to use it and showcase it to other people. You may think the idea of watching a movie with your child sounds like a fun bonding experience, right? Well, this notion is quickly ruined the moment the movie begins because your child will ask "I like this song, who sings it?" Five minutes later, "why are the fish orange?", "Oh no!, look out!", "Did the fish just kill all the babies?", "Wow, the ocean is really big and blue", "Aww, he named the last egg Nemo like his mother wanted", "Is Nemo going to bed sad about his mom?", and my personal favorite "Why are they doing that?". This will ruin any happy thoughts you had about sharing a cinematic experience with your child, I promise. The most frustrating part of this is when your child asks you questions about a movie that you have already explained to them you have not seen! Yes, let me just pull out my magical crystal ball and tell you everything you want to know about it, then I can ruin the movie for both of us.
It only gets worse from there. Eventually, your child will learn more words than you want them to. You will be at the store with your child and they will ask for a new toy, when you tell them no, you get to hear things like, "why can't I have it, it's only $20, that's not a lot", "why do you have to be so mean?", "you're ruining my life", and "I hate you!". Those are always fun words to hear from the child you have given EVERYTHING to, including the ability to even say those words. The temper tantrums get worse as they get older because, unlike toddlers who simply throw themselves to the ground, your older child can throw objects and purposely aim them at you. Furthermore, they can break things, normally your things rather than their own, their screaming gets even more ear-piercing, they hit harder, and love slamming doors to the point where your photos fall from the walls. Ah, the joys of parenting, I can't imagine why anyone wouldn't want to have their own little crib midgets. Let's not forget that children will develop a smart mouth too. Imagine having a talk with your child about being ungrateful for the things they have and they respond with "I have heard this a million times so get it over with and let's move on already". Oh yeah, parenting is a blast!
"This is where I recommend that you develop something called selective hearing, after all, children have selective listening so it's only fair, right?"
Truth #4: Two is Not Better Than One!
For all of you out there who have, foolishly, chosen to have a second child, I'm sorry. It seems mind-blowing that anyone would want to experience all of the "wonderful joys" of parenthood all over again but I guess there are a lot of crazies out there. Although, parents of multiple children get to experience all these moments all over again, they get to experience something unique to parents with more than one child - fighting siblings.
It doesn't matter if you have boys, girls, or a mixture of the two, they are going to fight; boys do tend to be worse though. Right from the beginning, your older child will begin learning about this new baby by touch, through poking, pinching, slapping, pushing, hitting, and sitting on them. As your younger child gets older, they will learn the bad habits, taught by your older child, and begin hitting back. If you thought it was impossible for your household to become even louder, you were wrong. Your younger child thinks it's funny to hit their older sibling, who is less amused, and now they will both screaming.
When they're both older, they will begin arguing. "You can't play with that", "stop doing that", "I am going to tell on you", "you're a jerk!", "I hate you!", each of these getting louder with every statement. Then, they both coming running to you, telling on the other, looking to you to fix this situation. While you're trying to talk to them and find a solution, they're talking over you, still arguing with each other about what really happened. This is where I reccommend that you develop something called selective hearing, after all, children have selective listening so it's only fair, right?
As they continue growing up, they begin to compete with one another about everything. The younger one never seems to understand why the older one gets things they don't. You get to explain to your younger child that their older sibling gets to drive because they're of age, while your younger child screams at you, insisting you change the laws so that they can drive to or it's not fair. You become scared to celebrate one of their birthdays, knowing it will cause a fight with the other child because they want to know where their presents are. You don't want to compliment one child about doing well in school because the other child feels they should be complimented simply for attending. Resentment is very common for one, or both, siblings and that is selfish of you to put them through that, since you're going to be blamed for all of it, which is why having only one, or none seems to be the better option.
Is It Too Late For You?
If you're reading this article, it is likely that it's too late for you, you are already knee-deep in the rollercoaster that is parenting. Perhaps, you are an expectant parent trying to get an idea of what you're in for, which means it's too late for you too. For those of you who are reading this out of curiosity and don't have children, congratulations! You get to keep your well-being, sanity, cleanliness, hearing capacity, and personal identity.
On a more personal note, I am a mother of three children, aged two, six, and nine. Although parenting has a lot of downsides, and I mean A LOT, I love my children and when they go to bed at night, I find myself missing the loudness that normally fills my house; until they wake up, of course.