- Family and Parenting
The Reason People Divorce And Relationships Fail
Our Parents Hurt Us Without Even Knowing It
I wrote the other days about the divorce between Jennifer Garner and Ben Affleck, referring to how people have stopped fighting for their marriage or relationship and started throwing everything away just thinking that they deserve better, or they want more, or that they should not go through any fights at all, but just have one continuous happy life.
The truth is slightly different from what we hear portrayed in movies, media or what our parents thought us. For example, my parents always told me that I deserve someone who will worship the ground I am walking on, who will spend every day of his life trying to make me happy and satisfied with my life. They said I deserve someone who is smart, funny, beautiful, and who sees me as the sun. If you think about it my parents told me all the right things. I am sure the majority of parents do the same "training" with their children, inoculating the idea that they are unique and they should be treated accordingly.
Unfortunately, this is what makes us later in life to have difficulties establishing a relationship and starting a family. Just think about it logically, if all the parents teach their children to expect for the same thing, to be treated like the center of the Earth, how can the other person be happy when we won't give them the same as we expect from them?
Having Double Standards
We are not perfect, we make mistakes and we automatically expect the other person to forgive us because we didn't want to make that mistake, it was an accident. Yet, when the other person makes a mistake we just jump at their throat and be ruthless. We don't give back what we receive because we have been thought to only have the best and not settle for anything else.
You can hear people say: "if my loved one would even look at someone else I would end things right there and then". On the other hand, when asked if they ever looked at someone else they tend to take it all as a natural part of being human: "it's natural to look, I'm not dead, and is not like I am doing anything wrong, I am just looking". Is it me or is this a double standard? They can look, but their life partner gets cruelly punished if doing the same.
If we are all getting the same "education", we can't expect for us to only receive the best, no mistakes or errors, but expect for the other one to accept us with all our flaws. This is not realistic. This is what many people don't understand that if we expect forgiveness and understanding we need to give back the same thing we ask for. There is no other way or halfway about this.
Divorce Appears When You Stop Fighting For What You Have
Yes. This is why more and more people divorce these days, or why so many relationships that could have turned into a marriage, end due to some stupid things that we can't get over.
I am not talking about heavy things like having an abusive partner, no matter what kind of abuse we are talking about, or a cheating partner which no matter how many chances it gets still goes back to doing the same mistakes. I am talking about having a disagreement or a minor fight, holding grudge for too long or being to proud to accept you made a mistake. All these things that should end after a few hours of being upset, or maybe a day the longest, and continuing life after that like the family you want to be.
There are so many people who stay upset for days, and bring back the elements of every pass fight or disagreement every time they have a new one. How can you have a happy relationship and solve your present problems when you keep remembering about the old ones?
Would you like to be forgiven for your past mistakes or would you like for your partner to always remind you about every stupid thing that you might have done at some point in your relationship? Now you have your answer.
"Do to others what you would like done to yourself". Isn't that how it should go? Should we forgive our loved one if we expect the same back?
A girlfriend broke up with her boyfriend and came complaining at me on how he was like that, and did that, and never fought for her and their relationship, and I've asked her: "have you"? She paused and she told me that why would she fight for them when he obviously didn't? But, what if he was expecting the same thing? Why is there a shame in trying to keep your relationship?
Our grandparents stay married until the day they died and I am sure they didn't have it all milk and honey. What's the difference? They fought for what they had because they knew that no matter how tough it got, how big the fighting was, they would always have one another to turn to, and they knew that what they had was worth fighting for.
You had a fight, big deal. Go spend a few hours in another room, read a book, watch some TV shows, and then get back to your partner and make up how you wish. You can apologize, act like nothing happened, or talk about what happened, whatever way you want to approach it, but just make up. Think about it objectively, was the motive of the fight really that important? Were you really that innocent and the other holds all the blame? Are you really that perfect and your partner that wrong?
Conversation Is Everything
Almost all relationships fail due to the lack of conversation. I'm not talking about conversation on weather or anything similar, but speaking about what really matters. Things that are important to you, what you like or don't, things that affect you, moods you are experiencing and so on. Do you think there is something wrong? Ask your partner about it, stop making guesses about what you think might be the reason and actually ask the other person if there is a problem, what it is and how can the two of you fix it.
Most of the time it will all be in your mind and your loved one won't have a problem with you or against you even if you might think the actions of your partner say something else. You are not crazy, but you can misinterpret what could be tiredness, work problems, problems that his/her parents have that affect him/her, health problems and so on, as he/she is having a problem with you.
Isn't it easier to just ask? And, isn't it easier to just say what the problem is, not pretend there is nothing wrong when something actually bothers you? Why aren't people talking anymore when this can solve so many problems? Because they were thought not to listen or forgive, but to attack and move on, looking for someone "better". Isn't this what every sappy movie or magazine teaches us? That we shouldn't wait and waste time, but find "The One". But what if "The One" is right in front of us, but we are so blinded by trying to find that person that we don't even realize when we found it.
Remember that both of you want to be happy and understood, so talk and fight for what you have because there will be hard times down the road with any person you will start a relationship, and if you will always break up with every person because you had a fight you will end up alone because there is no perfect relationship.