The Right Side of My Bed
Technically speaking there is only one side of my bed from which i can get out, the other is blocked by my sons bed. One would consider then that it is would be impossible to have varying sides of my bed. I use the expression to mean having your feet firmly planted on the ground and moving in the right direction. For the almost 27 years of my life, two of which i have been a mother, I very recently noticed that I have only been going through the motions of day to day life. I have often attempted to create reasons for myself, things to motivate me to move forward and advance in my life however my bursts of energy and drive are very short lived, regardless of the name i put on the "fuel", ie.; for myself, for my son, for my family, for God, for my future. I have used every reason i could think of to motivate myself to go forward, yet have consistently fallen short and right back into the same type of rut where I begin to feel pointless. Not in a i want to kill myself way, more in a why do I bother living way. If you have never experienced this conflicting emotion you may wonder what the difference is, let me enlighten you to the fact that there is a HUGE difference between wanting to end your life and simply not wanting to participate in it.
I have been prescribed depression medication in varying doses and of different names, some which made me feel better some which made little to no difference. However the "good" feeling didn't last very long, a few months, a year tops. I have done many things in life in attempts to give myself the push to go forward and to love to live my life for more than a few weeks at a time. I could never successfully get to a consistent place where i was able to stay above the weight of living. I was in the ARMY for eight years, i was married for almost 3 years, i have been a mother for 2 years, i have gone back to school, i have gone back to work, i even recently started my own business, yet i was still dragging under this inexplicable weight. After reading a sappy Harlequin romance novel today, something sparked inside of me and i began to ponder and auto analyze. Today i have decided to move forward for no other reason than, moving backwards is not an option. I can continue to be miserable and weigh myself down, with my what if's and maybe's and i should have's. I cannot change yesterday and today is almost gone, how do you keep from being depressed under these facts? I hadn't realized that it truly does take just as much effort to not do something and later beat yourself up about it, than it takes to just do it. Today I have given myself the slight mental push every time i began to lag and compress into myself, trying to avoid as much of the worked as possible. It is not easy, by any stretch of the imagination, i have spent my life making excuses, blaming everyone including myself, turning to my God and my religion, yet i wasn't genuine, so none of it worked. The blaring question in my mind, "WHAT IS THE POINT?". Life, LIFE is the point, with 27 years of experience i can honestly tell you it is easier and lighter to just live it than to attempt to fight the current. I am a firm believer in standing up for what you believe and going against the current of mass or popular opinion, but being reticent to living isn't a strength, it's a weakness. Imagine all the good any person could do if the invested the effort used to keep from moving forward into living. Truly living is the hardest thing i have ever encountered, even harder than giving birth, I'm so used to going through the motions, and giving the bare minimum and complaining that life is too hard that i hadn't realized how hard it is not. I will not be able to make the best of every situation immediately and i will still make excuses and i will still take my meds, of course, but everyday i will choose one moment at a time to not let myself become stagnant in life and in routine. It is the hardest decision i have made in my life, honestly harder than celibacy until marriage, two years strong, harder than admitting to myself I AM a recovering alcoholic and not that i HAVE been an alcoholic in the past, harder than a year in Afghanistan. With this in mind i don't just challenge myself, but i also challenge you, who read this, join me in this, one day at a time, truly LIVE your life, no excuses, no holds bar.