The day I found the man I have searched for my whole life
The beginning of a new chapter of my life.
Those of my readers that know me on a personal level may or may not know that I have been on a quest to find for my biological father for quite a while; and have wondered for even longer if he was even out there, and if he was why he wouldn’t want anything to do with me, why he wouldn’t try to contact me. . I also spent time wondering if my efforts were for nothing. I struggled for the majority of my 22 years on this Earth. And all those years I never stopped to wonder if he truly, fully knew or not. My mom never strayed from doing what was best for me, but was it? I never really asked her about him ever either, I just silently beat myself up, blamed myself for mom having to be a single mom, me not having a dad, us not being a happy family when I was older, caring too much, etc. I did a lot of self-loathing growing up, I was never really at ease or peace. I was out right hateful of the world, I hated everyone and everything, especially myself. I got truly good at pretending everything was fine. Until a night that I may get into at a later date, that may not have allowed for any of the BIG topic I teased about to happen.
I remember going to school in a small town where everyone either had a dad, step dad; I would hear stories of what it was like or seemed to be like to have such a person. Except the difference was; I couldn’t talk about that. My mom took on the role of both mom and dad.
I remember whenever I ended up in a crowd; like a friend’s wedding, or sports tournament for my dogs, etc., I would stand a little straighter, smile a little better somehow, and be as gracious as I possibly could be, just in case I ran into him. I never did, that I or he are likely aware of. Though it is quite possible that I have run into his parents a few times, but of course I don’t know that either, and that’s okay.
I remember before any performances I did growing up thinking I couldn’t screw it up, just in case he was in the audience; that if I screwed it up he would be gone forever and I would never have a chance at getting answers.
My mom moved us to the city where she wouldn’t be out a job, in case the health region office she worked in closed down; where it was more usual to come across kids who came from a single parent home just as I did. There were years, days, weeks when I needed a dad and didn’t have one to turn too; until I was in about grade 8 and my mom and a boyfriend at the time became quite serious and I decided he was going to be my father figure, my dad, my step dad. Which is a role he to this day remains to be and will always be. My mom has since become very serious with a man that I am also proud to call a step dad. Both have done so much for me and have been there through thick and thin. So in not having a biological dad in my life; I have 2 dads and a mom. I have an even bigger family. And I love it.
I know what you all may be thinking, “why is she rambling”, “I have been waiting for this post and now she’s ranting on and on”, “come on get to the point. So let’s get on with it shall we? Let’s get you a lowdown on what has been going on lately.
May 18th of 2016 (this year) my life changed, my solid ground I had built for myself had been shaken, my entire being was in question and maybe still is. On this day I received a Facebook message in the early evening from my biological father’s wife; before I opened the message I prepared myself to read a message that would tell me to never contact their family again (as to not be devastated). However, that is NOT the message I received. I received a message that no matter what happens, or where the future takes me, I am glad to have received it, I plan on scrapbooking it. She of course (as anyone would) asked if I would be willing to complete a paternity test which of course I agreed to do; but she also acknowledged my existence and acknowledged that I deserved some sort of response.
May 19th I shared a phone call with his wife; a phone call in which we both immediately shared tears, tears of excitement, shock, and fear of the unknown. It was a phone call that I will forever remember. It was probably the BEST craziest birthday gift I will ever receive. In this phone call I received information that not only did I have a sibling very close to my own age out there, but also a younger sibling.
June 8th, we received the results of the paternity test, results we all knew before opening them. The results solidified that I had finally found who I was searching for, and of course I shared another emotion filled, phone call. I was even allowed to speak with my younger sibling briefly (as we both struggled to know what to say; and I would have started bawling my eyes out). So this was all fine and great but where would we go from there? That was what made me wonder. Since the 18th of May his wife and I have shared many phone calls and a great many texts. They have been very reassuring that things will be okay and we will figure out how this whole thing goes, and what direction as we move forward. They are amazing; wonderful people.
I can honestly and truly say that I am beyond excited to get to know him and his family; though I am not quite ready to meet them, I do hope it happens soon. It feels so great to be able to share some of the same emotions and excitement with his wife, and him. To not feel like I am the only one feeling anything about this; it’s just a phenomenal experience that I am forever grateful to have.
As I sort through my emotions on this topic and as things unfold I will continue blogging every so often about this. However, for now, it’s time to shut down my laptop, turn off my brain (if possible) and get some rest.
And please if you have a similar story, or would like to share your experiences with having a father, step father, both, or if you come from a single parent home with neither of those things. I look forward to hearing them. You can private message them to me, if you are uncomfortable sharing in the comments.
Have a great evening, afternoon, or morning where ever you may be. And remember if there is a topic you would like to cover, let me know and I will do my best to get to it. If there are any questions as well, post or private message me and I will address them as quickly as possible.
Check in Next Friday for a new topic.