Toddlers Please Slow Down
Toddlers will not be so eager to leave their strollers and run around the house and shopping malls if they knew what life is all about.
Toddlers are the original revolutionaries. They do not want to be chained to car seats and their mothers’ backs. They toddle about until they fall flat on their bums or faces.
Some wail and holler in pain. Others surprise you because they look at you and smile. Precocious little things!
But seriously toddlers, let’s talk about your complete disregard for the speed limit. What is the rush really? Do you live in Bulgaria where the speed limit is 140 km/h?
It is because you don’t know what you are getting yourself into. Being an adult is like being in prison, with all kinds of chains that are supposed to protect adults from themselves.
I see you running about at the mall until you hit a shopper who is depressed because her credit card has been declined.
Of course she smiles because you toddlers are so adorable but in real life, that would be an accident, which involves hospital bills, unless you live in Canada where most health care is free. That is not completely true however because the government gets the money from taxes.
It is a mean world out there full of stop signs, yield signs, and traffic lights that flash green, amber and red.
Warning All Toddlers
Now toddlers listen up! Here are some reasons why you should slow down and delay your attempt to walk and run, whichever comes first.
Your destination – being adults – is a world of limitations, governed by pieces of paper that determine where and how you sleep, wake up, eat, work or play. It is called legislation or the law.
‘Big Brother’ (Canadian, American, Chinese governments etc.) has already given you a Social Insurance Number or National Insurance Number which will track all your antics and misdemeanours, at home and abroad.
You also need another piece of paper called money, to eat, play and pray (religion is big business), so you better appreciate your parents for now.
You toddlers do not like wearing clothes. You are always topless during the summer. In winter, you drop your mittens and size zero shoes all over public areas and at home. The government doesn’t like that. All body parts should be covered. They will charge you with public indecency or worse. Office blocks too. Most people are expected to wear a suit and tie.
I know that being tied to a stroller during the formative years of your life has created a phobia for belts across your body but you need to put on that seat belt. Your motor insurance insists, so do municipal, provincial and government laws.
When you grow up, do not even consider driving and zipping up and down highways. In a country like Canada, the Motor Vehicle Act tells you how fast or slow you should drive. You cannot step up on the gas at 50 km/h near schools. Go live in Germany if you like driving. You will have fun changing gears on the autobahn system of roads, especially those that have no speed limit. Contrary to popular opinion, the whole system is not speed limit free.
You toddlers think you are clever, crying to get attention for food or diaper change. You stand in line in the real world and wait for your turn or take a number to buy croissants or fish. It is quite common in Winnipeg to see pedestrians waiting in line for traffic lights to turn green.
You better enjoy Gigabytes, the family dog as much as you can because you cannot take him anywhere. Apartment buildings and commercial places have a pet policy you know.
Do not smile at strangers. I know it is a baby thing, but it could lead to complications later in your life. People in the bus, Toronto Transit Commission subway, Metro in Paris or London Underground do not smile. That is the real deal. There is absolutely nothing to smile about.
Taxes. Canada Revenue Agency or the IRS? Toddlers, let me warn you. There is no place to hide from the taxman. Oprah Winfrey once told viewers that the IRS visits Harpo Productions so often, she has a room for them when they drop by. Governments want a cut of any money you make from a car plant or import and export business. They say they provide airports, roads, buildings, telecommunications and other infrastructure you need to run a business or earn an income.
Now toddlers, what’s up with playing with food? I’ve seen you pushing it out of your mouth with a knowing smile, or just spit it out on your worse days.
You do that because you have a wide choice. You might not have that in the real world. Most people who live on boxes of macaroni and cheese do that because of cash flows, or should we say the flows have stopped?
Stop playing with your cereal and get used to grandma’s grits. Just add some honey and a slice of whole wheat toast and you have the energy you need. Who knows? You might be too poor to buy cereal for your own kids.