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Trip to the Zoo

Updated on December 27, 2009

Come on Kids Let's go.....


I always thought I married a girl who was not a country hick despite the fact she is from the backwoods of Pelham Alabama. When she was growing up, Pelham was no more than a spec on the map out by some trees on a hill.

She has always exhibited normal behavior and has developed a fine fake voice for answering the phone without saying the stereotypical, "Yellohh" when answering the phone. Knowing all this which I know, I have always thought in the back of my mind, "One day she will slip up and the country hick will come spilling out like the big bowl of Jello the kids didn't wait to gel properly."

After 17 years the unthinkable finally happened. I was stationed in Salt Lake City on a top secret mission which was turning into a never ending cycle of calamity. (see The Joke an epic saga penned by me) Frank, my roommate on the mission, and I had just returned from our quest for the Crispy Fish Taco and some Diet Dew when I logged onto the Internet to speak with my wife via the MySpace Instant Messenger, before we went to bed for the evening. We began small chit – chat about the days events.

Out of nowhere she says, "I took the kids to the Zoo today." I know my lovely wife knows absolutely nothing about traveling the bumpy, pothole ridden streets of Birmingham. I was thinking to myself, "I wonder who drove you, because I know you lady, and you couldn't find the Zoo if the little train that runs through the Zoo made a stop at our dwelling and took you directly there."

My next question of course was deflected by my instantaneous anger at the thought of my missing a trip to the Zoo with my family because of this mission to Utah. Even though this mission is directly involved with national security and our nations sovereignty, I was still upset. I gathered myself, and let the anger go and asked a pertinent question, "In Birmingham?"

Her response to my query was one of seriousness and also the source of my accusations of the spillage of hickdom spewing forth. Without hesitation she replies, "No goofy, in Columbiana." Again, this reply causes me to think to myself with many questions and more than a few inquiries into this odd statement.

Columbiana is where I was a patrolman for over 2 years. Not once did I roll up to a Zoo. I thought to myself for a minute and decided she must be referring to a rodeo or something of that nature which may have come to town for a day or two. Before I could get my educated guess typed into the Messenger, she replies again as if I am a big ole' fat dummy, "I took the kids to the Humane Society today."

There you have it, my wife is exactly what Jeff Foxworthy has been saying for years. "If your kids think a trip to the Zoo, is going to look at the animals in a cage at the Humane might be a redneck."


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