Vaginal Cream and Duct Tape: Life Lessons From My Father
Tim McGraw - My Little Girl
Jimi Hendrix - Voodoo Child
I think if my father were stranded on a deserted island he would be able to pull a MacGyver and survive with just vaginal cream and duct tape. These are two of the most important items to my father. With Duct Tape you can repair just about anything and with vaginal cream you can heal just about anything; or so he says.
Growing up my father had an answer for everything and the answers were and still are always hilarious. My father usually shoots from the hip being brutally honest and usually that honesty is bizarre and funny. My father has lived a very interesting life and I think that gives way to his life lessons. There are many things that my father has taught me, too many to remember but some of the more useful messages are:
- Do As I Say Not As I Do - Although my father swears he didn’t say this to me he did and quite often, especially when I was younger. This was usually when I was in trouble for doing something and I would tell him that he had done the same thing or something similar. I quickly learned that any stories he shared with me were simply examples of the things that I should not do no matter how fun they sounded. I was to do what he said but was to never do what he did, confusing to say the least.
- Kill them with kindness – My father is constantly telling me this especially when I am up against something that is emotionally draining or frustrating.When someone is being mean and evil or not being respectful his answer is always to kill them with kindness. This goes along with the theory of treating someone how you would want to be treated but takes it even further. There is nothing more annoying to an angry person or a person that does not like you than you being sweet as pie to them, it really messes with them.
- Vaginal Cream – I remember a comedy routine that Chris Rock would do about his father using Robitussin or Tussin on everything. Well this theory holds true for my father only difference is that my father chooses vaginal cream instead of Robitussin. If you are hurt, have a scratch, a skin irritation whatever the case may be put some vaginal cream on it and you are cured. Always keep a tube on hand.
- Duct Tape – My father swears by duct tape. The question is what should you not use duct tape for? Duct tape can fix any and everything in my father’s mind. I am surprised that he only has one roll of the stuff at a time. I think his last car was held together by duct tape. Always have a roll on hand.
- All Men Are Evil – I am sure this was a scare tactic after all I was young when he told me this. And really he was trying to help me to protect myself. I just kept thinking if “all” men are evil wouldn’t that include him too? Nothing like being an overprotective father or wanting the best for your daughter.
- Don’t Do Drugs – This was after my father and I watched a program together about Jimi Hendrix. Some of Jimi’s friends stated that Jimi needed twice as many drugs as normal people. They were speaking specifically of LSD and said that Jimi needed one hit to get him back to normal and the second half was to get him high again. My dad turned to me and said, “You are like Jimi you don’t need to do drugs it will cost you too much to get high.” As strange as it sounded I knew he was right and somehow that lesson stuck.
- Treat People the Way You Want to be Treated – This one is obvious but truly important. It also took me awhile to figure out. But it is true and a lesson some bill collectors should learn because the ones that are rude get hung up on and the ones that are nice and personable are able to collect more money. This is really simple be nice and respect others even if they do not return the favor.
- Fleas, Chickens, Snuff and Cars – My father also had sayings that I still to this day do not understand. These were sayings that he heard when he was a young boy listening to the guys in the neighborhood talking. These sayings are “If I tell you a flea can pull your car don’t argue with me hitch ‘em up.” and “If I tell you chicken dips snuff don’t argue with me raise up his left wing you will find his box.” WTF?!? Every time I hear these sayings I cannot help but laugh and yet I think that there is a lesson here somewhere, what it is I have no idea.
- Go Ask Your Mom – I heard this one all the time, but the funniest time was when my father gave me the sex talk. My dad told me that I could come to him if I ever had a question no matter what the question was. So being the person that I am I went back to my room and thought for a while. The very next day I went back to him with my question. I could see that he was thinking for a long period of time and after what seemed like forever he looked at me and said, “Go ask your mom.”
- I Love You - My father is not an emotional man and he chooses his words quite carefully. I know that when my dad tells me that he loves me that he truly means it. Even though I love hearing those words when he says it to me, it makes me feel ten times more filled with love when he says it to my children.
These lessons might be strange and unconventional but to me they are normal. I never know what to expect from my father when I ask for his opinion or advice. But I always know that there will be some type of lesson that I need to learn and I always know that he is giving his answer with complete, total and unconditional love.