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The Virgin's Self-Help Guide on Pornography, Partying, and White Lies

Updated on June 04, 2016

Knowledge is Key

This is a self-help guide for virgins seeking advice on how to maintain their V-card and safely navigate the dangerous terrain of temptation. We will examine the truth or fallacy of the "test drive a car before you buy it" theory. We will also provide tips on the dangers of online pornography and how to party like a virgin.

Test Drive

"You know, you should test drive a car before you buy it." As a 30-something virgin, I can’t tell you how many times I've been advised not to get married without first having sex. But is there truth to the theory? How can I really test physically compatibility without sex? What if we tie the knot and discover there is no chemistry between the sheets?

Ever Heard The Sex Theory "Test Drive A Car Before You Buy It?"

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It's More Than Sex

Noted marriage counselor and sex therapist Laura Brotherson says that sexual incompatibility is inevitable in marriage. She explains that marriages invariably have challenges for couples to overcome in the bedroom. Point being, everybody faces sexual incompatibility in marriage. It's not just virgins.

"Sexual compatibility is a learned behavior…NOT something you can “test” for. It is the opportunity and responsibility of husbands and wives to learn and grow together sexually, and in all other dimensions as well, throughout the adventure of marriage."

Not everybody who champions the "test drive" theory is a bad person, but many are misinformed. They are speaking strictly in the physical sense and leaving out the spiritual and emotional dynamics. Laura Brotherson goes on to say:

"And since sex is about more than just the “physicalness” of the relationship, they would have no way of knowing how your new relationship and the emotional connection would affect their sexual feelings down the road anyway."

The next time your lifestyle is questioned you have the power to shut down that faulty theory. You can say that is truth for your life. This is the truth for my life.

Party Like A Virgin

I was at a house party a while back with some friends. I had a couple of beers and was at my cutoff limit. This young lady, however, was plastered and all over me. Holding a glass of champagne, she asked me to go to the bathroom with her. I said I wasn’t interested, but she insisted. And she would not take "no" for an answer. She began tugging on my arm and making a scene. Guys standing around began to take notice and look at me like, “Dude, what is your problem? Go to the bathroom.”

Virgin Eyes

It was an embarrassing situation. I felt a mixture of flattery and shame. I wanted the guys at the party to understand my predicament, but this is the life of a virgin. I learned a lot that night. The wisest decision I made that night was to have a cutoff. Knowing that when I drink I become weaker, I knew what line not to cross.

You can find inscribed on the walls of Egyptian temples the maxim "know thyself". How well do know yourself? Do you know your cutoff? Is there a line you will not cross. Knowing yourself comes with time and even crossing the limit. Once you’ve crossed that limit most people promise the porcelain God they will never go there again. I would highly recommend that if you're going to cross the limit, let it be under the protection of your closest friends.

When partying, always expect the unexpected. Expect the punch to be spiked. Expect a drunken guy or girl to want to take advantage of you. Expect the brownie to be laced with some bad stuff. Expect an invitation to go upstairs to be a trap. Spiritually speaking, parties can quickly become the environment of the enemy. The enemy operates through booze and alcohol, making "good" people do bad things, including yourself.

Oftentimes, to party as a virgin means being the smartest person in the room. This takes integrity and knowing what you will and will not do. It requires a special awareness that you are entering into an arena of temptation, drugs and alcohol. Lastly, get to know yourself, your cutoff, and your behavior when you are under the influence. Following these simple tips, you can party like a rock star, have the time of your life, and retain your V-card.

The Porn Trap

One of the major distractions in the path of the virgin is sublimating the desire to have sex with watching pornography. I am a thirty something virgin and struggled to slam the door shut on pornography. I essentially gave myself a pass because I was not having sex like the “others”. Because I am waiting till marriage, I lied to myself that pornography would be the closest thing to sex and easing the tension. But pulling back the curtain on pornography, a violent windstorm of harassing spirits, self-doubt, and chaos is exposed.

First Exposed to Pornography

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Break The Chains

I struggled over the years to shut the door. I would quit for a month or two and then find myself being lured back. My main issue was lust, which led to pornography. As a believer, this negative cycle brought me a lot of guilt and frustration. I knew what I was doing was wrong, but something kept reeling me back in.

In my experience, pornography created a harassing spirit. When you’re weak at two o’clock in the morning and surfing the internet, that harassing spirit urges you to take a peak. And then a peak becomes an extended stay; an extended stay a habit.

A popular internet blogger, Dan Mahle, shared his feelings after quitting porn for over a year:

"I didn’t realize how much watching porn manipulated my mind, warping my sexuality, numbing my feelings, and impacting my relationships with women... My year without porn has helped me reconnect to my body and begin to transform my emotional numbness into healthy emotional expression. I’ve begun to expand my sense of self by learning how to move out of my head and into my heart. After many long years void of emotional expression, I’ve reconnected to my tears. This release of suppressed emotional tension has unlocked a lot of joy in my life. All of this has helped me begin to shift my sexuality from mental masturbation and physical detachment to true intimacy, presence, and embodiment."

The blessing I received was getting back in touch with my intuition. The images we are exposed to through pornography are not normal. These images sear the mind and oftentimes never leave. And when you crave pornography, it's all you think about. When I cleared out that junk, it opened me up tremendously to hear my inner voice again. I felt like I was back in touch with myself.

As mentioned earlier, know yourself. Know that alcohol and surfing the internet late night will lower your inhibitions and lure you down dark paths. Know your actions when you get frustrated and need an outlet. Know your actions when you lust and the dangerous fire that burns.

And when you make the decision to quit, check mark each day you don’t bow down to the idol of pornography. It is so powerful to keep track on a calendar, marking daily achievements, and renewing your unique purpose.

© 2014 Oswalda Purcell

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    • dashingscorpio profile image

      dashingscorpio 3 years ago

      Life is a personal journey.

      No one should be trying to get someone to do what he or she does not want to do. Having said that I do not believe there is a correlation between pre-marital sex and divorce. The number one cause for divorce in my opinion is and always has been (selecting the wrong mate) for one's self.

      The number two cause for divorce is getting married for the wrong reasons. (They had an age goal, all their friends were married, an unplanned pregnancy or an ultimatum was given, just got tired of being single...etc) Marrying the (next) person to come along because you're tired isn't wise.

      There is no amount of work or communication that can overcome being with someone who does not want what you want.

      The goal is to find someone who shares your same values, wants the same things for the marriage that you do, (naturally agrees) with you on how to obtain those things, and last but not least have a (mutual) depth of love and desire for one another.

    • Oswalda Purcell profile image
      Author

      Oswalda Purcell 3 years ago from Los Angeles

      Thank you for candor on love and marriage. I know your words will help guide somebody out there to make the right decision. And you're absolutely right -- life is a personal journey.

    • Kathleen Cochran profile image

      Kathleen Cochran 3 years ago from Atlanta, Georgia

      I think too many people get married because they want to have sex and not feel guilty about it. All the other reasons for getting married get overlooked.

      Sex in marriage is only one part of the relationship. And waiting until marriage for sex guarantees nothing. Faith, money, how you fight, and goals are every bit as important to a successful marriage.

      All that aside, if virginity is important to you, find someone who thinks it's important too. I never understood someone who valued their virginity and then gave it to a non-virgin.

    • Oswalda Purcell profile image
      Author

      Oswalda Purcell 3 years ago from Los Angeles

      Thank you, Kathleen. " I never understood someone who valued their virginity and then gave it to a non-virgin." I too am shocked at how many virgins are okay with letting this happen. It blows my mind! I appreciate your honesty and candor on the subject and hope it steers somebody in the right direction.

    • Sparklea profile image

      Sparklea 3 years ago from Upstate New York

      BRAVO! VOTED UP, USEFUL AND AWESOME, AND I AGREE WITH YOU ONE HUNDRED THOUSAND PERCENT ON EVERY WORD YOU WROTE IN THIS TERRIFIC HUB.

      SEX OUTSIDE MARRIAGE COMPLICATES THINGS. THE BIBLE STATES, 'FLEE FORNICATION.' PERIOD. END OF STORY.

      I HAVE MARRIED TWICE AND WAITED BOTH TIMES FOR THE WEDDING NIGHT. I HAVE NEVER REGRETTED IT.

      IT IS JUST THE RIGHT THING TO DO. THANK YOU FOR SPEAKING UP! BLESSINGS, SPARKLEA ;)

    • Oswalda Purcell profile image
      Author

      Oswalda Purcell 3 years ago from Los Angeles

      Thank you so much, Sparklea! You've lived this, waiting both times for the wedding night! I am in awe of your beauty, strength and commitment. You are a light to the world and so happy young men and women will read your comment and feel empowered to follow through. Sending you lots of love!

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