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WHY SOME KIDS GROW APART FROM THEIR PARENTS?

Updated on August 4, 2013

You dream to have a baby one day, you carry them inside of you for 9 months, thinking that your connection with your baby will last forever, and that nothing will destroy the amazing bound between you two. However, is the most important relationship in your life really...forever?

For centuries, we have thought that our kids are part of us, that there is an invisible connection that could survive just about everything in life. And sometimes it does, but unfortunately, this is not a common thing anymore.

There are other factors, which were not present years ago, when the common parent would raise their kids teaching them to respect, and to appreciate what family values were. It was almost implied that parents and kids would never be separated, and it was like a domino effect, from generation to generation.

Then society started deteriorating, and kids started to get contaminated once they went to school.

CORRUPTION IS CONTAGIOUS

If you have kids, you know what I am talking about. Right at kindergarten, the bullying starts, and that child you raised from birth, to be self confident, comes one day from school in tears because another kid hurt him/her in some way. Normal? An everyday thing? Sure it is! But when this continues through the years, like a slow and cruel torture, without anyone doing anything to stop it, then this becomes a “social cancer”, which deteriorates our children' s potential for success.

And what happens, when our children get home and there is no one there who they can talk to about what happened during their day? Have you ever had one of those days when you feel like the most miserable human being in the world? And on top of that you are lonely? It seems like no one cares about how you feel. Now imagine you are just a child, and everything seems bigger, and confusing.

Sound familiar? Of course it does! We all have walked on that path at least once in our lives. Now imagine your child, living in this predicament day after day, thinking that it is not worth to tell anyone, because “no body really cares”.

When both parents have to work for living, or there is only one parent to support them and raise them in life, time becomes our worst enemy. I am a single mom, I can tell you that between working everyday, sometimes two jobs, all that energy that should go to my kid, sometimes it is gone by the time I get home. I try my best to be there for my son, although he accuses me sometimes of falling asleep while he is talking to me, and I hate myself for that. I am also a diabetic, so that doesn't help either. There are a lot of times when we feel like bad parents. For example:

Who hasn't scream at their kids sometimes, because we bring all that stress from work, or we are just overwhelmed by bills to pay, and not having enough money to do so?. I also raise my hand on that one, and I hate myself for it too. Let's be honest here, there is no such a thing as a perfect parent. That 's is just a myth! I remember how my parents always played the “good cop, bad cop” deal with me and my siblings. We were 7! However, I don't recall ever talking back to my parents when they corrected us for something, and nevertheless saying bad words in front of them!

My parents are still married after 58 years, and me and my siblings are decent folks, hard working people. We respect our parents more than anything in this world, and we try to raise our own children following the pattern, on how our parents raised us.

THE NEW EDUCATORS

One thing I remember clearly, is that the programs on TV were pleasant, relaxing. Whatever happened ever since, changed the concept of the word “family” forever. No more happy families, caring about each other anymore. Today all you watch is conflicting families on TV, where the kids talk back to the parents, and where the “shortest, smartest, and more sarcastic talk” there is, the better. Just watch all those new reality shows, displaying the most pitiful human behavior. They just make you breathe violence in every chapter!

My dad always says: “When you lose respect, you have have lost everything”, and this is so true!

Some people would tell you to just go with the flow, if you want to fit in society. Maybe that is exactly the problem we are having today. Our kids are so worried about being accepted by others, that it doesn't matter how good you raised them, soon or later, they will be “absorbed” by that society anyway.

Why? Because, that is what we are programmed to do from the moment we are able to interact with other people. Unfortunately, kids tend more to copy poor behavior than good examples, because in today's society, those poor behavior have the label of “COOL”. I did it! Once I went to school, I observed the other kids, and I wanted to be like them. To my eyes, their parents were awesome because they let them do whatever they wanted to do. They also had better clothes than me, and they went to places, my parents could not afford because we were 7 siblings.

Deep in my heart I even resented my parents, sometimes, because I couldn't have what the other kids had. However, through the years, I finally learned that my parents did a lot more for us than those parents: they taught us how to live within our means, to work hard, and to thank the Lord for what we had, and we all still do.

THERE IS NOT SUCH A THING AS “A PERFECT PARENT”.

I guess the most important lesson we learn when we have kids of our own, is that being a parent is the most difficult task in life. There are no schools to teach you how to be a good parent, you have to keep a straight face no matter what, and “everything you do and say to your kids, will be used against you by them through life”. It doesn't matter if you gave them everything they needed, or all the sacrifices you went through to raise them, deep in their heart, just like we did with our parents, there will always be some hidden resentments, you are not even aware of.

Not too long ago I had a long conversation with an old friend of mine. She raised a daughter and a son, almost by herself. She worked 2 jobs almost all her life, and she was overprotective to the limit with her kids. Even then, her daughter got pregnant when she was in high school. Despite her tide budget, now she had a whole new family living under her roof: her daughter's young husband and her brand new grandson, but she never complained about it. She was thrill to have them with her. As long as I remember all she did was give, give and give, even when she could not afford to give anything, due to her economical situation. When I talked to her she was in tears. Her daughter was very disrespectful with her, and they did not get along at all. She would throw on her face, every time they argued, that she called her horrible things when she was a teen. “If I could at least remember that” she sobbed, “but I cannot!”. It is funny, but I did remember her daughter being a selfish, spoiled little girl, and I did remember how my friend took care of her grandson, when her daughter decided to disappear with some guy for months after she got divorced, without even calling to check on her son.

However, there was that poor mother in tears, trying to understand why her daughter didn't love her.

IT IS ALL ABOUT PERSONALITY

Psychologists have divided personality development in three categories: Nomotetic, Idiographic and Complementary.

  • Nomotetic states that personality is more hereditary, and resistant to change, advising that environmental influence is minimal.

  • Idiographic states that personality is a continuous change of process. Contrary to the Nomotetic theory, the Idiographic states that the cultural environment has a lot of influence over each individual, and that this influence is unique to each individual.

  • Complementary is a middle theory that takes from the above, and states that personality is more not to be changed after childhood is over. (http://news.softpedia.com/news/Our-Personality-Is-It-Genetically-Inherited-or-Determined-by-The-Environmental-Factors-28413.shtml)

In other words, personality has two sides, the external and the internal. The internal side is the part that can be modified during childhood, by correcting the negative tendencies and cultivating the good ones. The external part is the interaction of a child with the world. Whenever there is an imbalance between both of them, the result would be an individual full of unanswered questions, and fears. On the other hand, if one of the parents has negative attributes such as selfishness, lying tendencies, laziness, or anger issues (sometimes due to mental hereditary disorders), then it is very possible, that if not corrected during childhood, these negative attributes will prevail for the rest of their existence.

Single parents like me, are most likely to spoil their kids more than necessary. I know I did with my kids, maybe because in a way I felt guilty for raising my kids without a father figure in their lives. This could have caused me serious problems, but honestly, I believe I was lucky, and my kids are now decent, hard working adults, raising a family of their own, just like I did: Supporting them the best I could, and playing by ear when it was about raising them. Their dads weren't bad individuals, but I could have done better selecting the father of my kids. Too late now.

GENES OR NO GENES

We are facing a very difficult world to raise kids today. They have to grow breathing violence everywhere they go, and they are fed with undesirable images through the beast at home: the TV, video games, movies, news, etc. Even cartoons display a very strange sense of humor today. The truth is that we are trapped in this environment, and there is nothing we can do.

The only thing left to do is to raise our kids the best we can. However, do not expect anything in return, believe me, you will live happier. Your kids are not your kids only, society will absorb part of them, even if you want it or not. Some of them, will not even remember what you did for them, until they have kids of their own, and they have to go what you went through to raise them. Some of them will never appreciate what you did for them, no matter what you do. This doesn't mean that you were a bad parent, it is just life. The combination of the external and internal factors, your kids were exposed to.

There was a time when at least one parent would stay home, while the other one worked to support the family. Families were more balanced then, but those times are gone now, we just have to accept the fact that parents have no other choice anymore than trying to balance their time, between working and spending time with their kids. Sad? Yes, indeed! But it is, what it is...

A word of advise? Raise your kids the best you can, teach them how to face life, and how to handle the pressure of the outside world, without losing their own selves during the process. One more thing, teach them to accept when they are wrong, and to learn from their mistakes. Remember: It is not how many times you fall in life what counts, it is how many times you get up and keep on going. Never give up! I wish my kids were little again, I would try to raise them a little bit differently. Especially, I would teach them that being a parent is not an easy task, and I would tell them just to do the best they can, to love them with all their heart, and when there is nothing else they can do to solve a problem, to have faith and leave it in God's hands.

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