Watch Out - Abusers about!
nearest thing I could find to "pink ted"
re. picture of koala. On holiday at the abuser's house. Id be about three or something and was encouraged to swap for a guitar that the abuser had expertly played on. there was a time limit. When I realised I could not play the guitar like him, I looked up and saw him strangling the teddy I'd become quite attached to. Needless to say I was distressed and wanted it back. But No. "A contract is a contract!" was the supposed lesson.
I've realised another lesson. My distress, the distressed state of young child with little comprehension of the toy not being real when adults are the worst culprits and main source of the game 'lets pretend', lets face it many are full of pretence! Perhaps some is a necessary defence mechanism. But I digress.
Neither my mum, my Grandma, nor the abusers wife; my own flesh and blood were interested in the distressed state I was clearly showing!!!!
What in this world does that say for the level of care? No wonder I learned to bottle up feelings, no wonder there was no teaching as to what these feelings were or the natural process of acceptable and appropriate actions and reactions with them!
Yet, my mum insists. "You were loved", yeh! Clearly not with any priority or understanding placed with it!
Question for researchers
Single mothers who assume they don't need the biological father. Think twice, the abuse (by an uncle in law) did not start prior to my mum and divorcing when I was three. Or do you assume this was coincidence?
see text above
Is dad leaving likely to increase risk of childhood sexual abuse?
Concern for future generations
I see why I shouldn't watch the news. The Sheffield & Rotherham abuse, and the latest in Tunisia bringing my protective side out. This is for those who need to know either to help people and/or protect children.----Having just got together some books and DVDs on football (soccer) to pass on. I was looking back at my lost/missed chance/s I had. It seems nothing can go right if the mind isn't.
Another Aunt said I was naughty. This being about anger which seems part and parcel of suffering or having suffered abuse. It's hard to understand for many but is quite logical really. The answer to why survivors (and victims etc.) feel such strong, intense and extremely deep anger etc. is best described in a metaphor.
The Anger metaphor /analogy
When You consider a lot of people would get annoyed at being wrong changed in a shop, certainly if the shop keeper refused to correct the error.
Now consider a deeper level. Suppose the shop keeper said you were a lyer and trying it on. And even that you were a professional theif that had something against him and his shop.Well. How can you argue with that? You do have something against him. He's refusing to correct his error/s. And worse trying to blame you for it.Now ask yourself. What, if anything, would you do with that anger?
And we're all individuals that have a choice of options. Would you shout and carry on until the shop keeper either gave up and gave you the money or called security and had you banned from his shop for life. Hit out and risk legal proceedings against yourself. Or just walk out vowing never to go back and to tell all your friends and anyone else who'd listen what he'd done.
Now consider being wronged on a deeply personal level. You may have realised that certain options available to the shop victim, are not available to the person suffering abuse! For years I was forced to go "on holiday" to visit/help out the abuser with "his political campaigning!" -essentially trapped in a cycle. (see below for my other blog)
How much more anger is going to be elicited from any-one such worse things as this happens to.
Now how much more so if this happens repeatedly (even in the shop scenario) and attempts to stop it keep failing? some might say that walking out of the shop is feeble. And that thought might keep them in the shop until they are removed. But suppose you face a concept of never being removed and things are only getting worse.What do you call feeble?
If You can throw a football from one end of the pitch to the other but you choose to only throw a few yards that might be considered a feeble throw. But suppose your only able to throw it a few yards and you do. Though in the big scheme of things the world may consider your throwing as feeble and may ignore that you're giving it your best effort.
What I'm saying is. How much we as children rely on others. which adds to the frustration if not understood, & picked up properly!
The first essential skill for parents to learn and teach their children then is COMMUNICATION. It is not enough to say "IF SOMEBODY TOUCHES YER' YOU MUST TELL..." then 1. to have them grow up in any environment be it school or street, youthclub or whatever if it is a strong taboo. (ie. The "Dont GRASS" rule). Boundaries must be taught and the well meaning parent that marches to school will highlight their child.
Though due to the fact I had dodgy teachers who seemed to encourage groupies hanging in and around their office because they 'didn't want to risk playing out'. allowed gossip to become widespread.
An answer to that might be to give them a classroom nearby; make those going in regularly to sign a roll call and make them responsible for it. so long as the drawers lock etc. Or better yet have one per year specific to that use.
Re: The communication:
The term "what is the "Phrase that pays?" comes to mind in this heavily media orientated society! You must check that your child can say it; without embarrassment. It takes sitting down quietly with no distractions, it is ok to feel embarrassed and express giggles etc. at certain things, it's when shame occurs, perhaps through experimenting that problems with communication occur. It's better to let the child know how babies are actually made than to make them scared to death that they will be severely punished; whether by parents, teachers or some deity -especially if they ever do it again!
Nor do I think I was helped by my suspicious Granny blocking any chance I had of such experimenting with girls (both as children of about the same age). She Granny would scare me out of my whits, and seemed to be never far away. (what's more, I seem to remember it was always the girls who initiated it!) As a result, Granny prevented me from having nice -more apt. experiences with my age group then sent me off to the abusive uncle where I got hated experiences and memories laced with emotional anguish etc.!
Also each child may need their own code sentence that only you and they know to minimise the risk of anyone causing them embarrasment. Dont share it. Other adults can devise their own. Or better yet. Make sure there are several ways of saying such things that you both understand. Furthermore, don't assume that one or even two talks will be enough in the young persons whole childhood. Not only do we all forget, but different things go on at different times. And something may come u in one talk that has been missed previously and needs to be known.
Mum didn't help me when I tried "I don't want to go." blew up at me! "Of course You Do. Don't be silly child! What's wrong with You!"
Analyse those statements for a moment."Of course You do!" subtext I know you better than you do... I/so and so wants You to go therefore You do too... thus child hears "You have no chouce. You can't have you're own thoughts or opinions. Do what you're told SLAVE! 2, "what's wrong with You."
what goes on is seen by these slave drivers as normal. Anything else being abnormal to them. There is no help here -their power and control outweighs the yet undeveloped sensibilities of the child who has no choice but to hope for protective love from these giants, and is seeing this hope destroyed!
. This is an extention of the enemy; in so much as the parent is not on the child's side, though may have deluded themselves into thinking they are "doing what's best for their charge"
The child needs to break or get away from both. This atmosphere is destructive, outside help is required. The flight, fight or freeze response will come out in many ways whilst the abused /victimized remain in this type of situation.
Another subtext is lack of safety. The slave drivers (parents failing as care givers) will sell the unprotected vulnerable person down the river. In to care an asylum or wherever. No doubt having projected nothing is wrong with themselves so all fault must be with the vulnerable person. The only outcome of anger is misbehaving. The response of parents is to protect themselves, the child may learn acting stupid, playing the fool gets a laugh, but will often try to hide in some situations. Particularly when learning the source being anger is producing hatred from self and even others who some will capitalise on this type of person to boost their own ego! This is more complicated, and too vast and varied to cover here.
- You Can Help Prevent Child Abuse and Exploitation
Child sexual abuse and exploitation seem to belong in a world far from us. But it happens in every community and neighborhood. But we can make changes to protect our kids from becoming a victim.
- H.O.W. to Recognize and Prevent Child Abuse
In order to prevent or stop child abuse, first one must know what it looks like. Here are lists of symptoms of some of the most insidious types of child abuse.
My Other related Blog on HubPages
Unfortunately, the link effort is refusing to find it, or any other of my numerous Hubs / Blogs. For some reason!
Anyway, it is called:-