ArtsAutosBooksBusinessEducationEntertainmentFamilyFashionFoodGamesGenderHealthHolidaysHomeHubPagesPersonal FinancePetsPoliticsReligionSportsTechnologyTravel

What Babies Can Do

Updated on October 22, 2009

When my wife told me she was pregnant, I thought I was as ready for kids as any man could be. Eight months later I began to realize how wrong I was.

Newborns have some interesting abilities. They cannot multitask, but they are proven goal setters. I've never heard any human 'communicate' a need for food as my firstborn could. He would focus on the goal of attaining food and communicate his goal to anyone who would listen, out to a 1000 yard radius.

Crying is a baby's chosen method of communication. I say chosen on purpose. They know what they're doing. They were given a manual at birth which instructed them to use crying as a catch-all goal-accomplishment tool. The usual targets of that tool are parents, but can include grandparents, babysitters, and visiting Jehovah Witnesses. A baby's crying has the same intent and force as an order issued from the Captain of a ship: "I want what I want, and I want it right now!"

In addition to crying, babies are highly capable eaters. Once the crying has accomplished its purpose, the food begins to disappear. Once again the baby has made a choice. They could eat anything they wanted, from steak to lasagna. Perhaps it's the lack of teeth or the inability to grasp a fork, but they choose mother's milk or formula almost every time.

After the consumption of victuals has subsided, babies turn to their favorite activity of all time: sleeping. This is when babies are easiest to get along with. During the sleeping period, babies won't demand much, and they certainly won't be solving those pesky quadratics equations.

Finally, some time after eating, and usually during sleeping, the baby will perform his greatest achievement: pushing from the bowel. This activity allows babies to work on a critical skill for later in life: making faces. Baby bowel-pushing faces allow parents a brief glimpse into the soul of the baby, exposing the baby's most private thought: "Wow, this is fun. I feel so good about myself when I can offer my parents this thoughtful gift." Bowel-pushing in our home became a major event. My son made all-state bowel-pusher within 4 months, and even won an invitational meet at our church.

Take heart parents-to-be. Life will change dramamtically, sometimes painfully. But seek to find the humor in the new situation and allow yourself to enjoy the ride.


    0 of 8192 characters used
    Post Comment

    • profile image


      9 years ago

      Hey Honey! This is very funny! Soo proud of you :0) I LOVE YOU!!!


    This website uses cookies

    As a user in the EEA, your approval is needed on a few things. To provide a better website experience, uses cookies (and other similar technologies) and may collect, process, and share personal data. Please choose which areas of our service you consent to our doing so.

    For more information on managing or withdrawing consents and how we handle data, visit our Privacy Policy at:

    Show Details
    HubPages Device IDThis is used to identify particular browsers or devices when the access the service, and is used for security reasons.
    LoginThis is necessary to sign in to the HubPages Service.
    Google RecaptchaThis is used to prevent bots and spam. (Privacy Policy)
    AkismetThis is used to detect comment spam. (Privacy Policy)
    HubPages Google AnalyticsThis is used to provide data on traffic to our website, all personally identifyable data is anonymized. (Privacy Policy)
    HubPages Traffic PixelThis is used to collect data on traffic to articles and other pages on our site. Unless you are signed in to a HubPages account, all personally identifiable information is anonymized.
    Amazon Web ServicesThis is a cloud services platform that we used to host our service. (Privacy Policy)
    CloudflareThis is a cloud CDN service that we use to efficiently deliver files required for our service to operate such as javascript, cascading style sheets, images, and videos. (Privacy Policy)
    Google Hosted LibrariesJavascript software libraries such as jQuery are loaded at endpoints on the or domains, for performance and efficiency reasons. (Privacy Policy)
    Google Custom SearchThis is feature allows you to search the site. (Privacy Policy)
    Google MapsSome articles have Google Maps embedded in them. (Privacy Policy)
    Google ChartsThis is used to display charts and graphs on articles and the author center. (Privacy Policy)
    Google AdSense Host APIThis service allows you to sign up for or associate a Google AdSense account with HubPages, so that you can earn money from ads on your articles. No data is shared unless you engage with this feature. (Privacy Policy)
    Google YouTubeSome articles have YouTube videos embedded in them. (Privacy Policy)
    VimeoSome articles have Vimeo videos embedded in them. (Privacy Policy)
    PaypalThis is used for a registered author who enrolls in the HubPages Earnings program and requests to be paid via PayPal. No data is shared with Paypal unless you engage with this feature. (Privacy Policy)
    Facebook LoginYou can use this to streamline signing up for, or signing in to your Hubpages account. No data is shared with Facebook unless you engage with this feature. (Privacy Policy)
    MavenThis supports the Maven widget and search functionality. (Privacy Policy)
    Google AdSenseThis is an ad network. (Privacy Policy)
    Google DoubleClickGoogle provides ad serving technology and runs an ad network. (Privacy Policy)
    Index ExchangeThis is an ad network. (Privacy Policy)
    SovrnThis is an ad network. (Privacy Policy)
    Facebook AdsThis is an ad network. (Privacy Policy)
    Amazon Unified Ad MarketplaceThis is an ad network. (Privacy Policy)
    AppNexusThis is an ad network. (Privacy Policy)
    OpenxThis is an ad network. (Privacy Policy)
    Rubicon ProjectThis is an ad network. (Privacy Policy)
    TripleLiftThis is an ad network. (Privacy Policy)
    Say MediaWe partner with Say Media to deliver ad campaigns on our sites. (Privacy Policy)
    Remarketing PixelsWe may use remarketing pixels from advertising networks such as Google AdWords, Bing Ads, and Facebook in order to advertise the HubPages Service to people that have visited our sites.
    Conversion Tracking PixelsWe may use conversion tracking pixels from advertising networks such as Google AdWords, Bing Ads, and Facebook in order to identify when an advertisement has successfully resulted in the desired action, such as signing up for the HubPages Service or publishing an article on the HubPages Service.
    Author Google AnalyticsThis is used to provide traffic data and reports to the authors of articles on the HubPages Service. (Privacy Policy)
    ComscoreComScore is a media measurement and analytics company providing marketing data and analytics to enterprises, media and advertising agencies, and publishers. Non-consent will result in ComScore only processing obfuscated personal data. (Privacy Policy)
    Amazon Tracking PixelSome articles display amazon products as part of the Amazon Affiliate program, this pixel provides traffic statistics for those products (Privacy Policy)