- Family and Parenting
When Your Family Is Just NOT There For YOU
REASONS WHY SOME FAMILY MEMBERS ARE UNLOVING/UNSUPPORTIVE TOWARDS ONE ANOTHER
HOW HAVING UNLOVING/UNSUPPORTIVE FAMILY MEMBERS AFFECT A PERSON
What Do YOU Mean I DON'T Love You-YOU'RE Here AREN'T You
The family is one the main social institutions. Family members often have a commonality with each other. Families often provide social network systems and emotional support to their members. The family is often a bulwark against the outer work. Families give sustenance, security, and comfort to each of its members.
Then there are families who fit none of the above. There are families in name only. They are perfunctory families, presenting a somewhat united front for the sake of public appearances. However, behind closed doors, they are cold, distant, and/or downright hostile to each other.
There are families who make deadly enemies look completely angelic. These families think nothing of backstabbing each other and doing harmful things to each other. Such families really have no love lost among each other. To say that they odiously hate each other would be putting it quite mildly.
Many people are completely aghast at the prospect that there are families who can be deemed the anti-family. They refuse to acknowledge that there are families out there who have no positive feelings towards each others. They deny that families actually loathe and detest each other. They find it totally incredible that there are families who are clearly unloving and unsupportive of each other.
Yes, there are family who have ill feelings towards one another. There is an old saying that blood is thicker than water and that families usually stick together, forming a cohesive bond. Well, blood is not necessary thicker than water. There are some blood that is not only toxic but dangerous and deadly.
REASONS WHY FAMILIES ARE UNLOVING AND UNSUPPORTIVE TOWARDS EACH OTHER
There are many reasons why families are unloving and unsupportive towards one another. The reasons are as varied as people. The reasons include the following:
(1)Families who HAVE to be with one another. There are families that are together out of obligation instead of love. There are people who have children because they were pressured to so by their families, peers, religious and/or other societal influences. There are couples are remain married out of religious beliefs against divorce and/or to please their family members.
Such people clearly do not really and honestly care for one other. They are just going through the motions of spousehood and parenthood. They feel that they must be in such relationships in order to be considered responsible and good upstanding people. They believe that to do otherwise would be selfish on their part.
(2) Being the UNWANTED child in the family.There are children who are unwanted by their parents. Studies confirm that half of the pregnancies in America among couples are unplanned and unwanted. Children who are unwanted in their families are more likely to receive less attention and love than their counterparts who are wanted. They also tend to be emotionally, psychologically, and/or physically abused by their parents.
Parents finds it difficult to devote time and love to children they do not want. When they care for such children, they do so out of parental obligation. They feel that if they become pregnant, it is their responsibility to care for that child whether they want it or not. Even though they know that they do not love the child, they go through the parenting motions. They refuse to admit that they do not have feelings for the child; however, subconsciously, they act towards the child in ways that demonstrate their true feelings.
(3) Being the UNFAVORED child in the family. Unfavored children tend to receive less preferential treatment by their parents than their favored counterparts, even other children in the family who are neither favored nor unfavored. Such children are subjected to more negative parental treatment overall. Children are often unfavored for having characteristics and/or a personality that the parents may not like or feel comfortable with.
Parents do not treat all their children equal. To say they do is a fallacy. Parents are human with their innate preferences,prejudices,and idiosyncrasies. Children oftentimes fit into these equations. Very, very few parents would even admit to having an unfavored child as this is considered to be a mortal transgression, violating the sanctity of the parent-child relationship. More parents pretend that such blatant differential treatment of their children do not exist,uttering a vehement refutation. Nevertheless, their ulterior motives reveal that there is a child/children in the family who are treated less fairly than their other children.
(4) Being the SCAPEGOATED child in the family. The scapegoated child is the unfavored child multiplied. This child is singled out by parents for differential treatment albeit quite negatively. One can say that the scapegoated child is the odd child out in the family. Parents and/or other family members routinely treat this child horrifically. This child is the only child subjected to ill treatment, oftentimes bordering on the abusive.
Parents often make the lives of their scapegoated children quite hellish. They create environments in which the child is left with no other recourse but to leave or continue to endure the hellish familial environment. Many scapegoated children are viewed as noisome burdens by their parents, who merely tolerate them at best. Many such children are either unwanted or need special care/attention in one way or another which the parents are unable or unwilling to do for some reason or another. Parents view such children as dark entities or worse, taking out their psychological issues out on the child.
(5) One family member being TOTALLY DIFFERENT and/or OUT OF SYNC with other family members. There are some family members who stand out from their family members for one reason or another. They may have characteristics, interests, and/or beliefs that are diametrically different from other members in the family. They perhaps may have a prodigious talent or ability that the other family members do not have.
Many family members are comfortable only if their family are aligned and/or similar to them regarding beliefs, characteristics, and interests. They feel that by having that commonality they are a family. Such family members are uncomfortable and threatened by familial differences. They feel that such differences are a total affront to the family, especially the family unit. They believe that the family must be united above all else.
(6) Family members who are JEALOUS/ENVIOUS of other family members, There are family members who are jealous of other members of their family for one reason or another. For some family members, the other family members is fulfilling their dreams and living the life the former family members wish they had. Other family members see one family member having the opportunities that THEY should have had. Older family members look at younger family members, wishing to recapture their youth, realizing that they are becoming older with their youth becoming more fleeting.
Family members are oftentimes overtly or covertly jealous of other family members who they believe are in more advantageous positions than they are. Such family members feel as if they are lesser people than the latter family members. Many family members feel left behind or diminished by those family members who have more opportunities and chances than they do.
(7) BIRTH ORDER influences on family relationships. Families relate to each other on different levels on the bases of birth order scenarios. There are family members who receive preferential treatment based upon their respective birth orders. They have an easier childhood and adolescence, being allowed much leeway. Other family members are held to a much stricter standard, having responsibilities thrust upon them early while some are just overlooked.
Family members received treatment based upon their respective birth orders. These differential treatment often causes dissension and conflict among family members. Some family member outright hate other family members for receiving better treatment. This conflict often lasts a lifetime and through generations.
(8) NOT fulfilling FAMILIAL/PARENTAL expectations. There are families who have certain expectation of what their family members should be. This applies particularly to parents & children. Children born into such families have preordained roles and/or obligations that they must fulfill regarding family tradition and/or family legacy. Oftentimes, such family/parental obligations override the wishes of the other family members/ children. Many times in order to remain in the good graces of the family members/parents, the latter have to follow the wishes and desires of the former.
Sadly, many family members/parents love their other family members/children only if they fulfill their desired wishes and conditions. If the other family members/children do not desire to fulfill said wishes and conditions of the family members/parents in question, they are oftentimes unfavored, even disowned or disinherited. At best, these family members/children are considered to be personae non grata and treated accordingly.
AFFECTS OF GROWING IN AN UNLOVING AND UNSUPPORTIVE FAMILY ENVIRONMENT
Many people are adversely affected emotionally and/or psychological as a result of growing of in an emotionally unavailable and/or hostile familial environment. They often have little or low self-esteem. They also develop a wariness and/or distrust of others, particularly those in authoritative positions. Many children reared in unloving and unsupportive family environment oftentimes seek negative attention because they did not receive any type of positive reinforcement.
There are children who act out in very negative ways, striking out at others as a displacement for for their feelings of inferiority. Some of these children indulge in deleterious or delinquent activities such as gang activities in order to have a sense of belonging which was lacking in their respective families. There are others who elect to go their own way, carving out a positive niche in their lives. They elect not to let their negative familial environment impact upon the persons they are and/or wish to be in the future. Many choose positive role models from more positive, loving and/or supportive family members or non-related family.
There are some people who elect to disassociate from their toxic family members. They find other supportive and loving non-family members be they friends or associates. Many friends treat each other as family or as family should. They contend that if family members do not treat them with love, respect, and support then they are not really family. They assert that such family are family in name only but not in deed.
In conclusion, family is defined as members with a commonality of blood and love. Family is seen as a support system and as a bulwark against the outside, unwelcoming world. However, there are family members who are unloving and unsupportive towards one another for one reason or another.
Many families can be deemed quite discordant. Blood is not necessarily thinker and more harmonious than water. Blood can be quite toxic in many instances. Blood relations does not necessarily a family make. It is love, respect, and support that defines family. Many times friends and other non blood related associates fit that bill finely thank you very much.
© 2013 Grace Marguerite Williams