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Why My Daughter Wants to Die...

Updated on April 21, 2015
ananceleste profile image

Anan Rivera is an online blogger, poet and YouTuber that highlights spiritual, social and health related topics.

My baby is not happy

Being a parent is a blessing that can only be compared with perfect love and devotion. As a mother of three, I can vouch for this and there is nothing in this world that I would not do for my children. When my daughter started struggling with depression, I was confused and sad. When she told us she was contemplating suicide, I was devastated. She was only eight.

I am here for you

Since then I have walked on pins and needles. A never ending parade of specialists, therapists, books, church groups and family meetings just trying to fix this. That was my mistake, I wanted to fix it. I later discovered that this was a journey that we would walk together. Over the years, we became very good friends, not so good as parent, child, the conflicts between the two concepts sometimes clashes with my goal, to lover her, to keep her safe.

When your child is depressed, you are depressed. When they suffer you suffer. Family dynamics change, and almost everything revolve around it. I can't remember how many nights I have lost thinking of ways to help her. Reading and taking courses on how to deal and raise a child with a mental illness has opened my eyes to the different types of disorders and conditions that plague some teens. But nothing prepared me for what really ailed her.

There is hope my love

Working with children with a mental illness can be very taxing. Especially when you have wounds of your own. In my case, I learned when I was child that physical wounds can heal and sometimes you become immune at the pain, but the emotional ones can last forever. I also learned, with my own child that the pain of depression, the fear of your own thoughts, the uncertainty, can be more devastating than anything physical. She was suffering, even taking medication, and therapy sometimes didn’t help. Later we found out that she has Bipolar Disorder, a condition that marks her moods. The stigma and the challenges are everywhere. But she is my hero. She has hung in there. In spite of everything, she accepts it and still is fighting to strive.

We have a silent understanding, that if she is in pain, she will give a clue, so I can be there. She is very strong, and made a conscious decision to take every day as an opportunity to live life to the fullest in spite of her condition. Through her I have found a reason to keep speaking up for those children that suffer in silence. The cutters, the loners, the outcasts, the sick and the abused. We have worked together to help other kids with similar situations to seek help, find resources or simply to have a safe outlet to express themselves and ask questions. I love her more everyday, she has been my biggest teacher and source of inspiration.

This is song very dear to us and to other girls that are fighting depression

lyrics

"Stand In The Rain"

She never slows down.
She doesn't know why but she knows that when she's all alone, feels like its all coming down
She won't turn around
The shadows are long and she fears if she cries that first tear, the tears will not stop raining down

[CHORUS]
So stand in the rain
Stand your ground
Stand up when it's all crashing down
You stand through the pain
You won't drown
And one day, whats lost can be found
You stand in the rain

She won't make a sound
Alone in this fight with herself and the fears whispering if she stands she'll fall down
She wants to be found
The only way out is through everything she's running from wants to give up and lie down.

[CHORUS]
So stand in the rain
Stand your ground
Stand up when it's all crashing down
You stand through the pain
You won't drown
And one day, whats lost can be found
You stand in the rain

So stand in the rain
Stand your ground
Stand up when it's all crashing down
Stand through the pain
You won't drown
And one day, whats lost can be found

[CHORUS]
So stand in the rain
Stand your ground
Stand up when it's all crashing down
You stand through the pain
You won't drown
And one day, whats lost can be found
You stand in the rain

© 2012 Anan Celeste

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    • ananceleste profile image
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      Anan Celeste 3 years ago from California

      Thank you fpherj48! I will never tire of loving her.

    • fpherj48 profile image

      Paula 3 years ago from Beautiful Upstate New York

      ana.....beautiful and so very moving. Your words of "unconditional love" have touched my very soul, because I truly understand.....UP+++

    • ananceleste profile image
      Author

      Anan Celeste 3 years ago from California

      Thanks Ruby, the battle continues but the rewards are always worth the fight. Blessings.

    • Ruby H Rose profile image

      Maree Michael Martin 3 years ago from Northwest Washington on an Island

      Yes, noticing the cry for help and supporting them through it. A fine line of learning and supporting worth doing. A wonderful message here that I will share, beautiful.

    • ananceleste profile image
      Author

      Anan Celeste 4 years ago from California

      Hi Scott!

      Welcome. I will definitively find this book. I am so happy to hear that you are well, it gives me hope. If it helped you it also may help my girls ( both are bipolar) and my husband ( has schizophrenia). Thank you for reading.

    • profile image

      Scott McLay Forbes 4 years ago

      Hi. I read this article hoping to hear supportive words, and I was not disappointed. I want to say that I have bipolar disorder and paranoid type schizophrenia, or what is known as schizoaffective disorder. I did not really start making drastic improvements and find ways to reclaim my life until I read Eric Berne's excellent handbook entitled _Games_People_Play_. It's the transactional analysis handbook, which describes a therapy for ending the family drama and the endless search for nurturance. I want to request that you take the time to look at the reviews on amazon.com and see if this therapy is for your family. I wish you all the best in the world for your journey. Take care! Much respect, Scott M. Forbes

      sforbes76@live.com

    • ananceleste profile image
      Author

      Anan Celeste 4 years ago from California

      Thank you precious pearl. Love is the key to open doors and close wounds of the soul. Pain is a very real adversary, that some people try to fight with bare hands. But hope is the very last thing to fall. Blessings.

    • Precious Pearl profile image

      Precious Pearl 4 years ago

      Beautiful hub and so very precious! Thank you for sharing a very personal testimony. Depression is very real and it is difficult to know what to do to help ... loving them through and being available are key.

    • ananceleste profile image
      Author

      Anan Celeste 5 years ago from California

      Dearest Dawn;

      Never loose faith my dear. My daughter was just diagnosed with sqizoaffective disorder. After 5 therapists and 3 doctors , I know how to help my baby at last. Is heart wrenching, I know is hard but not impossible. Keep reaching out dear you are not alone.

    • Dawn71 profile image

      Dawn71 5 years ago from UK

      Thank-you for sharing. My daughter is in the same position and has recently overdosed, not cry for help, full intent. She is now 16 and every day that passes with her still with us, I bless. It is something which won't be gone next week, it's long term and heart wrenching beyond measure. I don't feel so alone now, I know what you are going through and send my love to you and yours.

    • ananceleste profile image
      Author

      Anan Celeste 5 years ago from California

      Thanks thundermama,

      I appreciate your comment. Blessings.

    • Thundermama profile image

      Catherine Taylor 5 years ago from Canada

      Wow, what a moving and personal hub. Thank you for sharing your story. I'm sure it will help alot of people.

    • ananceleste profile image
      Author

      Anan Celeste 5 years ago from California

      Thank you coffeegginmyrice for droping by.

      Their hurt, is our hurt.

    • coffeegginmyrice profile image

      Marites Mabugat-Simbajon 5 years ago from Toronto, Ontario

      I am so touched. I have two girls of my own (22 and 16). They were so hurt to have our family broken, but I have gone through fighting to make them happy again and still am, helping them understand how and why it all happened. Fighting and sticking to a new home discipline to protect them from devastating their own lives. My older daughter became my challenge when she changed to being tough towards me and poured all the blame on me. She is older and has a mind of her own but that didn't stop me from being a mother who loves both my girls so dearly. I am glad that they showed back their smiles and laughter though I have put down fresh rules to a better harmonious new home. LOVE and CARE...the two powerful matters we give to our children.

      Voted up!

    • ananceleste profile image
      Author

      Anan Celeste 5 years ago from California

      I am so sorry. Three years ago I was homeless with my kids, clear across the country. I have never met a male medium then or since.

    • ananceleste profile image
      Author

      Anan Celeste 5 years ago from California

      Thank you saaaydee. Blessings.

    • sassydee profile image

      Delilah 5 years ago from los angeles, ca

      good luck and god bless

    • ananceleste profile image
      Author

      Anan Celeste 5 years ago from California

      I hear you. Love is the best medicine and faith the pillar of any obstacle. Bless you!

    • ananceleste profile image
      Author

      Anan Celeste 5 years ago from California

      Thank you so much for your comment. I am so proud of the fact that you have stayed and help her trough this! Lover her and even though you might not understand, just hold her hand tight and you will see that is exacly what she needs, loving support.

    • CMerritt profile image

      Chris Merritt 5 years ago from Pendleton, Indiana

      Thank you for sharing....as a father of five, I have dealt with depression with my children. I also believe that JUST being there for them and loving them unconditionally is the best thing we can do. Listen to them, not judge them. I know I don't always understand WHAT they are thinking or agree with them, but I will always try...though I think I have to play the Dad part over the friend part...I think there is a fine line.

      I really appreciate this hub and thanks again for sharing.

      Love your daughter as you always have...and she will be okay.

    • rahul0324 profile image

      Jessee R 5 years ago from Gurgaon, India

      A very endearing experience you have shared here! Currently i am watching my girlfriend going through depression for the past three years i have been with her. Somewhere I believe that being with her in such times has cemented the bond between us. Coping with depression of a loved one can be really taxing. We should hang in there rather than getting agitated and abandoning them. they look for support and love in us and we should give them that. Personally I believe being there with them is the biggest support you can give them. voted up!