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A Smiley Face Brain

Updated on August 6, 2014

A Mother's Love- The story of love and guilt in motherhood

I've always cared about others. Yet caring for another when it's your very own other is a whole different story. Those two little people shown on the left are my responsibility and any time they get hurt or feel badly I experience deep regret that I have failed them. Any accomplishment my child achieves is totally theirs. Any failure they encounter is mine alone for I should have taught and prepared them better.

Being a Mommy is the most joyful experience I've ever known. Yet it's fraught with fear that something will happen to them. At 33 years I've already had my share of loss including my own mom. Those losses have been beyond terrible but I'm strong and I've continued on. However from the moment I looked into my children's faces I've known that my survival is linked totally and completely to theirs, that I would no longer know happiness unless these cherished gifts of mine were happy. They are my world.

These are my stories of when I've felt like I let them down and they in turn lifted me back up.

Photo melissamio - all rights reserved

guilt motherhood
guilt motherhood

A mother and son

This 4th of July we had a couple friends over for a relaxing day. I went upstairs to pick out some board games and my 15 month old son followed me up like a little duckling. When I was ready to go down he wanted me to carry him but my hands were full. He's become so adept on the stairs that I don't worry about him on them anymore (or at least I didn't.) My arms were full of games and I told him I'd come back and get him. I figured he'd just follow down or wait for me. Instead he lunged down the steps in an attempt to reach me quickly. I was at the mid landing and threw the games down and tried to catch him. I somewhat did but not before he knocked his head into the wooden banister. I held him while he cried and when I pulled him back I saw his face was covered with blood. He had a deep cut over his eyebrow. I started screaming for my husband and took him to the bathroom. Elle came in and she started screaming too. I'm sure we females were not helping the situation... Usually I'm collected in serious situations; the one others turn to for help- apparently not when I see my baby bleeding. Hudson's Daddy assessed that we needed to take him to get stitches. We first took him to Urgent Care however they didn't feel they'd be able to stitch it up as well as the hospital so they sent us on our way.

He ended up needing one stitch and then they were able to glue it up. He was such a brave little man at the hospital. He had hardly cried and passed the wait hitting on one of the nurses. She took him around the department showing him off and introducing him to people. He was so social and handled things so well. He's so young that I'm still getting to know him and I felt like this experience gave me some new insight into who he is and I was impressed.

However the saving grace of the day had come as we drove from Urgent Care to the hospital. I was nauseous with guilt that I had let this happen. I should have set the games down. I shouldn't have been overly confident with him around stairs. I should have caught him before he hit his face. So many feelings were whirling through my brain. I'm his Mommy; it's my job to protect him. I leaned over and looked him in the eyes and told him that I loved him. It's something that I do 100 times a day. But I think he read the apology and pain in my eyes because I swear he said, "Love you" back to me. If he were older or talking more this would be less remarkable but he just turned 15 months. While he has been picking up new words he's never said that. I gasped and asked if he just said I love you. He actually nodded his head yes. He then puckered up his lips requesting a kiss which I happily obliged. For a second I felt like I was interacting with a grown man in a baby's body that was trying to communicate to me that he knew he was loved and that he forgave me. That it wasn't even required that I ask. I was in love with him before but I feel like those seconds bonded up together more than any other time has. I would forgive my children anything and just maybe they feel the same way for me.

Photo melissamio - all rights reserved

Books for Moms with baby boys

Protect--Child
Protect--Child

A mother and daughter

We were taking a shower and I went to wash her feet. She fell. I should have had her sit down. I should have held her tighter. I should have done something differently because I'm her Mother but I tried to wash her foot and she fell. I saw that she was bleeding and I started screaming. As I previously mentioned I'm not good when one of my babies is bleeding... My husband and Dad came running. It turned out she was only bleeding from the nose. I was so relieved I didn't take the time to wonder why her nose was bleeding when she fell backwards.

She received a good dose of loving and seemed totally better. We continued on with our day. That night she came into my room in the middle of the night because she was feeling sick and she ended up throwing up. I briefly wondered if it could be related to the incident earlier the previous morning. My husband said no, he'd been sick the past couple of days too. The next day and night she was fine and it left my mind. The day after that she was fine but then threw up again the following night. I took her to the doctor just in case. I figured she had what had been going around and was afraid my doctor would think I was over-reacting but I wanted to be safe.

I explained to my doctor what had happened and instead of being assured that everything was fine my doctor looked at me with scorn and asked, "And it didn't cross your mind to take her to the hospital when she started throwing up?" In retrospect I should have. At the time I never really thought it was necessary. If I had then I would have. I love her more than my life; I wouldn't intentionally do the wrong thing. I go to an expert when I don't know what to do. I think I was hesitant also because this same doctor had ridiculed one of my friends for making an emergency appointment over what turned out to be allergies so I didn't want to over-react. (I will not be seeing this doctor again). Yet whatever my reason or excuse I left the office in tears. I was so scared that she was seriously hurt, that her situation was now worsened because I hadn't handled it correctly, that I was terrible for letting her fall and for not taking her to the doctor immediately.

The next morning we were in for a CT scan to see if she had bleeding in her brain. She was terrified to go through the machine. I was terrified for her to be exposed to the radiation. The tech told me that if she moved at all she'd have to be exposed again so it was crucial that she remain calm, however she does not take these things lightly. I went through a test run to show her how it's done, then Teddy went (shown in the picture), then Elle and I. Lastly Elle and Teddy gave it a try. Finally she was ready and she actually did it. She got the picture. I asked for a copy of the disk because Daddy had told her she was going to go get some pictures of her brain and she needed to bring them home to show him.

It turns out she was okay. My instincts weren't going off because nothing was wrong. When we looked at the pictures I saw the most beautiful thing. My daughter has a smiley face brain.

Photo melissamio - all rights reserved

Elle's Smiley Face Brain

smiley--brain
smiley--brain

Photo melissamio - all rights reserved

What is your parenting style when it comes to protecting your child?

Do you think it's better to play it safe or wait and see so you don't over-react?

Share your story or thoughts on keeping your kids safe or the times you failed to do so

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    • Gypzeerose profile image

      Rose Jones 4 years ago

      Girl, my kids have been into so much. Active children just have accidents. Wait until they are teen-agers and adults - that is when you cannot protect them. Your love and teaching will give them the tools to protect themselves.

    • Gypzeerose profile image

      Rose Jones 4 years ago

      Girl, my kids have been into so much. Active children just have accidents. Wait until they are teen-agers and adults - that is when you cannot protect them. Your love and teaching will give them the tools to protect themselves.

    • TransplantedSoul profile image

      TransplantedSoul 4 years ago

      That tumble down the stairs sounds awful. I'm glad he is OK. Some things cannot be prevented.

    • profile image

      SteveKaye 4 years ago

      One of the great challenges for every parent is to allow manageable mishaps and failures so that your children can learn from them. Then they must add the artful application of consequences for their choices. These actions on your part will prepare your children for the real world where there is no one to catch them.

    • aesta1 profile image

      Mary Norton 4 years ago from Ontario, Canada

      You have two adorable kids. All Moms really want to be perfect.

    • aesta1 profile image

      Mary Norton 4 years ago from Ontario, Canada

      You have two adorable kids. All Moms really want to be perfect.

    • profile image

      anonymous 4 years ago

      Every bird needs to fly and there will be the first few falls along the way! :)Best wishes!

    • lisln profile image

      LorLinda 4 years ago from Denver Colorado

      As mother's I think we can all identify to your story. We have all made mistakes but you have to take into account that you as their mother have done the best you could we are human, I think it hurts us more then it hurts them. You are a good mother I can tell and they are very lucky to have you as their mother. Your children are sooooo adorable. I am sorry for your losses the Lord always has away in making it up to us. God bless you my dear :)

    • Melissa Miotke profile image
      Author

      Melissa Miotke 4 years ago from Arizona

      @cmadden: Yes I guess it's natural for kids to encounter plenty of accidents:) I guess it's just shocking when you're a newer Mom getting used to it... Thank you for your kind comments!

    • profile image

      cmadden 4 years ago

      "Get off of there! You're going to . . . . Gotta go, Christi!" That's how one phone call ended with my sister; her young man had just broken an arm for the second time - you know the sort of looks and questions she received at the hospital. The truth is that kids find all sorts of ways to get into things; as a kid, I gained experience with a bicycle spoke through a foot, rusty nails, and (yeah, older brothers) football injuries - and tetanus shots that didn't need a schedule to be kept up. It sounds to me like you are a great mom!

    • Melissa Miotke profile image
      Author

      Melissa Miotke 5 years ago from Arizona

      @anonymous: Very good point!

    • profile image

      anonymous 5 years ago

      I love being a mom, and kids are great at any age. Now, I have 3 grandchildren too, isn't life grand. -- You children are very cute, adorable. :)

    • profile image

      anonymous 5 years ago

      Having and raising kids is a great responsibility, seeing them grow in good human beings is a real great achievement that we strive for. And yet, as individuals they are responsible for their actions, we should do the best we can as parents and give them the freedom they require to grow.

    • TolovajWordsmith profile image

      Tolovaj Publishing House 5 years ago from Ljubljana

      Being a parent is a tough job. But it is still the best in the world!

    • Melissa Miotke profile image
      Author

      Melissa Miotke 5 years ago from Arizona

      @CoolFool83: Thank you!

    • CoolFool83 profile image

      CoolFool83 5 years ago

      Wow! Your kids are adorable! So cute.

    • Melissa Miotke profile image
      Author

      Melissa Miotke 5 years ago from Arizona

      @MargaritasWorld: Wow, I am so very sorry to hear about your loss. I've spent time imaging the worst but I know I could never truly understand it without experiencing it. You must be a very strong person. I'm glad you have 3 other boys that are doing well. I already did find a new doctor. I don't need a doctor to make a bad situation worse for me... Thanks for the compliment on my kids:)

    • MargaritasWorld profile image

      Margarita Boettcher 5 years ago from Morrison, Colorado

      Wow, been there, done that! I really know how you feel about being scared to loose them. We lost our youngest son in 2000. I have three surviving sons; though they are now big guys. 13,15,21! I can't say I ever saw their brain though:D That is really neat. Find another doctor!! I know that look and it feels horrible. A doctor needs to trust your instincts. You can guess how many times my boys had stitches and goose eggs the size of Texas. So trust me, I hate that look you get from people wondering if what you say happened really happened. Your kids are beautiful! your lens sucked me in. I have to get back to work!!!

    • Melissa Miotke profile image
      Author

      Melissa Miotke 5 years ago from Arizona

      @newbizmau: Thank you- that is so sweet:)

    • newbizmau profile image

      Guided Abundance 5 years ago from Mobile, AL

      I thought for sure those pictures of your kids were models. They are so beautiful.

    • LornsA178 profile image

      LornsA178 5 years ago

      I can relate to these situations. I did something stupid when my baby was only 8 months old, she was in bed and I told her to stay and I left for few seconds, she almost fell. I thought I was talking to an older kid, since she was too mature for her age. That was the first and the last time I did that.

    • Melissa Miotke profile image
      Author

      Melissa Miotke 5 years ago from Arizona

      @squidoopets: Thank you so much for your lovely comment and for your blessing!

    • squidoopets profile image

      Darcie French 5 years ago from Abbotsford, BC

      I'm a mom of older kids and they've all given me plenty of medical scares. Have to remember that children are individuals that learn by doing, making mistakes and errors in judgment will occur. You're a loving mom to be there for them when they need help. Many blessings to you :)

    • Melissa Miotke profile image
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      Melissa Miotke 5 years ago from Arizona

      @Sandylin: Thank you that is so sweet!

    • Melissa Miotke profile image
      Author

      Melissa Miotke 5 years ago from Arizona

      @bigjoe2121: That is probably very true:)

    • Melissa Miotke profile image
      Author

      Melissa Miotke 5 years ago from Arizona

      @tvyps: Thank you so much!

    • bigjoe2121 profile image

      bigjoe2121 5 years ago

      As a mother, I know how you feel, but I think we both need to learn to relax a little bit :)

    • profile image

      Sandylin 5 years ago

      beautiful babies.love them.

    • tvyps profile image

      Teri Villars 5 years ago from Phoenix, Arizona

      Very interesting story and very cute kids. Thanks for the visits and Squid Angel blessings to ya!

    • profile image

      flm_online 5 years ago

      What a touching story. I actually feel like I could cry right now. Awesome smiley face ;)

    • Melissa Miotke profile image
      Author

      Melissa Miotke 5 years ago from Arizona

      @LynetteBell: Thank you! Yes we actually just had our first appointment with our new doctor yesterday.

    • LynetteBell profile image

      LynetteBell 5 years ago from Christchurch, New Zealand

      Hudson an Elle are beautiful! Sounds like you need a new doctor...one who doesn't belittle you.

    • Rosaquid profile image

      Rosaquid 5 years ago

      Most moms have similar stories; childhood is fraught with adventure. If a parent knows her children well, red flags will fly when something is 'not right.' It sounds like you handled things just fine! Kids are amazingly resilient.

    • jdwheeler profile image

      jdwheeler 5 years ago

      It's all about instincts you develop as a parent. When in doubt, give a call to your doctor's office and go from there. You are right about felling horrible when something you may could have prevented but you can't blame yourself. Accidents happen and kids are tough.

    • Camden1 profile image

      Camden1 5 years ago

      What beautiful children - and you sound like an amazing mommy! Like any family with 3 kids, we've had our share of bumps and bruises and broken bones. I am so grateful that we have wonderful health care!

    • Melissa Miotke profile image
      Author

      Melissa Miotke 5 years ago from Arizona

      @jennyb85: Awww that's sweet-thank you!

    • profile image

      jennyb85 5 years ago

      I didn't know that about Hudson saying "I love you," that's amazing! As you know I had a similar incident of hitting my head and needing stitches when I was little, and I never blamed our parents or wanted/needed an apology. I just remember how taken care of and loved I felt, especially by you when you were holding my head in your lap right after it happened. So if you made Hudson feel even half as safe and loved in that moment as you did me (which I have no doubt you did!), then I'm sure he'll remember that feeling forever and not any pain he might've experienced. :)

    • profile image

      msseiboi 5 years ago

      informative lens..great work

    • profile image

      msseiboi 5 years ago

      informative lens..great work

    • intermarks profile image

      intermarks 5 years ago

      Your kids are so cute and adorable. Accident can happen anytime even at home. My son knocked his head on the floor skirting when he fell down from his bicycle. He had 2 stitches for that. His shirt was full of blood. Luckily nothing worst happen to him after been hospitalized one night. Thanks God!

    • Brandi Bush profile image

      Brandi 5 years ago from Maryland

      Awww...I love that your daughter has a smiley-face brain! It's obvious that you really love your children. We have all done things that we feel guilty about in hindsight, but the important thing is that we would do anything for them to keep them safe and show them that they are loved. I'm certain they understand at a very young age that they are deeply loved! :) This is a very touching lens...thanks for sharing!

    • Melissa Miotke profile image
      Author

      Melissa Miotke 5 years ago from Arizona

      @KimGiancaterino: Thank you so much! Yes I don't want a doctor where I'm worried she'll think I'm over or under-reacting constantly. I'm trying my best:)

    • Melissa Miotke profile image
      Author

      Melissa Miotke 5 years ago from Arizona

      @Rangoon House: Thank you so much, that is really sweet. They are both doing great!

    • Melissa Miotke profile image
      Author

      Melissa Miotke 5 years ago from Arizona

      @Kailua-KonaGirl: I want 4 kids too. I bet your hands were pretty full:) Good advice, thanks!

    • KimGiancaterino profile image

      KimGiancaterino 5 years ago

      Your children are beautiful ... I'm glad you won't be seeing that rude doctor again.

    • Rangoon House profile image

      AJ 5 years ago from Australia

      You are beautifully human. I love Elle's smiley face brain and hope that Hudson is now on top of the world.

    • Kailua-KonaGirl profile image

      June Parker 5 years ago from New York

      I raised 4 kid, I know how it is. Try not to worry too much. Believe me, they do fall down and hurt themselves, but guess what? 99% of the time they make it alright.