Oh dear me....such a dilemma, Grandma. I apologize in advance 4 asking this question but seriously, Khaki, if U R confident U raised your daughter 2B better than this slob she portrays, what do U feel the problem may B? Is it possible she is dealing w/ extreme fatigue or worse, post-natal depression?
Is "Baby Daddy" incapable or unwilling 2 pitch in & do his share of maintenance &/or care of the baby?
Since U say UR daughter asked U 2 come & stay, is it safe 2 assume she hoped U would step up & help in the ways U have helped thus far? I mean, U didn't expect 2 get 2 the house & just sit around & do nothing, right?
This tells me that she is aware the place is a shambles & requires serious attention, (which is a positive sign.) Is the baby's Father going 2 a job every day & working full time 2 at least help alleviate some of the financial stress?
Sorry 4 asking so many questions but it can B nearly impossible 2 suggest anything w/o more facts, upon which I can base any advice.
Other than having a few minutes of baby-time 4 Grandma, it's really best that Mommy & Daddy deal w/ the bulk of baby care. This is an important time 4 their bonding.
This frees U up to continue 2 try 2 clean up the home, air it out w/ some Fresh Air & keep the animals fed & happy.
I can only hope these new parents R NOT smoking indoors or near their baby at all, at any time! If they R, this is a real problem that somehow needs 2B addressed with them by "someone."....preferably not U, since UR daughter bristles when U try 2 speak 2 her. Remember Mom, she called U 2 "help," not criticize. Believe me, I realize it has 2B difficult 2 remain silent in some cases, but 4 now, U need 2 try. Keep in mind she is a brand new Mom, she is healing from delivery, probably nervous and stressed...so UR support is vital.
It seems U've done quite a bit 2 help out & I should think it's appreciated. It also appears the only way 2 avoid "conflict" is 2 stick 2 helping out & (for now) not preaching or scolding. This couple may have gotten themselves into a temporary slump & fully intend 2 shape up. "Hope."
On the other hand, as 1 Grandma 2 another...if U don't see a vast improvement in the entire situation in a reasonable length of time, U have every right & responsibility 2 speak up firmly, 4 the health & safety of that precious new life. I wish U much luck. Keep us posted.