- Family and Parenting»
kids, why do they all turn out so different?
Most kids aren't going to turn out to be criminals, that is unless there's some bad DNA coupled with a good dose of prolonged child abuse and no love whatsoever from parents. Criminals have no conscience! How hard is that to do? They sublimate self hate so that it reveals itself in anti-social behavior. They can use and abuse and leave another without batting an eye. the attitude? there's always another sucker.
Early childhood (infancy) is very important in development. That baby has got to feel like mom and he or she are one. Even a kid with some bad DNA can overcome it with loving, caring parents, a well adjusted home, where there is always a positive message from mom and dad and Sib's. Little squabbles are not overblown and kids are given the opportunity to work things out. In fact kids are encouraged to work all things out without someone constantly telling them what to do and what is right or wrong.Given the chance, they will learn. first at home through good example from parents. Then school and church. Kids who have something crammed down their throats, they may comply. But the minute they get on their own, such as in college, look out. Whatever kids learn at home, it is the peers who decide how they interact with the world. Of course, they learned at home the kinds of people who will reflect favorably on the child, and that is the type of friend the child will seek.
Remember, kids are not naturally mean, rebellious, or unable to tidy up after themselves. A child acting out in public has learned from a parent or parents that this kind of behavior is acceptable. Screaming, throwing things, hitting mom- then, mom or dad starts screaming, hitting or throwing things. Where did the kid learn?
Kids need a touch, gentle, loving and kind. A soft, kind voice that says, I'm in control here.. You (kid) haven't a thing to worry about cause that's my job. Kids can pick up after themselves, rinse a glass when finished with it, make a bed. It doesn't have to be perfect. That they have done it deserves high praise. Make a contract with them. Give them money or a treat for doing their job. This will teach them the value of money and how to earn it. Stop saying yes to everything they want and make little deals with them to earn rewards.
When a child is slammed around or just slapped it is devastating to self-esteem. Especially when it is done in front of others. Never holler at them. It shows you have no control of your emotions and gives them the notion that it is all right to do. A child is not a criminal. A child is a child, needing and deserving all the love you can give. It is up to you to be there, always for the child--not "I'm sick, or I don't have time right now," Oprah's on now!" is a lame way of telling the child what is most important in your life.
Parents will make mistakes, lots of them. But more important than that is that you love your child and show it. Even if your parents never hugged you or let you know they loved you, you still craved to be loved, held and listened to. you are not your parent. You have a chance to change the script and how your children feel about themselves. They grow up quickly. Will they want to get out of the house as quickly as possible? Or will they have included you in their plans for their young adulthood? They will remember your values, moral imperatives, and your unconditional love. It is this love that a young person clings to and returns to a parent. As important as peers are, nothing replaces the joy shared between parent and child. It is something that will last forever and will be passed on, inexorably from generation to generation.