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how should I deal with the situation of my boyfriends ex-wife?

Updated on February 24, 2013

My boyfriend and I have been together since July of 2010 and I moved in with him and his son in December of the same year. He and his ex-wife have been divorced since March of 2009. They have shared custody of their son, with his Dad from Saturday‘s through Wednesday mornings and the remainder of the time with his mother. My boyfriend is a wonderful Father and his son is also wonderful. His son’s mother? Not so wonderful.

They divorced because she was unfaithful on more than one occasion. Because the state we live in is a “no fault state” she actually walked away from the marriage with a large lump sum of money, child support and left him with all of the debt they built together trying to upgrade their home. She left her husband, the home they built together and her son. She made no attempts to take her little boy with her. What type of a mother just leaves her child? It’s something I’ve never been able to understand and leads me to believe that she is a very selfish and self-centered individual. She lasted about 4 months in an apartment before she moved in with the man that she was cheating on her husband with. She was married before her son's father and is also now engaged.

They are supposed to have shared custody. Which means they are to split the week. My boyfriend and I definitely have his son more than his mother does. I love that we have him more and I wish my boyfriend’s son lived with us full time. Sometimes when we get my boyfriends son back we have to, what we call, re-program him. He sometimes comes back to us not as himself. He seems upset, quiet and moody.

Over the last 14 months I’ve seen emails with her verbal abuse towards him, heard stories from him and have personally experienced her verbal abuse. She has on multiple occasions made threats to my boyfriend that she involves their son in what is going on between them regarding their disagreements.

One Friday afternoon my boyfriend and I got out of work early so that we could see his son before his mother picked him up from the house. At the time she was still allowed to pick him up from where we live as we thought she could be trusted. Not the case. Once a cheater and a liar, always a cheater and a liar.

We got home to find that she had already arrived to take their son. We pulled in the driveway and she was NOT waiting in her car. We walked into the house to not only find that she was inside but on the second floor of our home.

That’s when the “rules/boundaries” began. She portrays herself to be the kind of person who does something only for the attention or if it benefits her in some way. Definitely not a “do-gooder”.

My boyfriend began altering his schedule, leaving work early and making accommodations to meet his sons mother just so she wouldn’t have a reason to be at our house.

Before I was in the picture she would go into the home, where she once lived with her son and her ex-husband, and would take things such as kitchen appliances, various photographs, linens etc. My boyfriend advised me that he arrived home one day to find her not only in the house but on his computer. I guess the son would let her in because she claimed she needed to use the bathroom or she would give the child any excuse to let her in. Of course he’s going to let her in, that’s his mother.

Now she is claiming rights to the 2 dogs that she also left behind almost 3 years ago.

When she is told no, she retaliates like a little kid that doesn’t get her way. She sends verbally abusive emails, text messages calling my boyfriend a loser and says that “everyone” knows that he’s a loser, among other things. Who “everyone” is? I have no idea. I can only imagine what it’s like to watch this adult woman stomping around after she has been told something she doesn’t want to hear or is stripped control of a situation. She tells my boyfriend that she tells their son that he does not save money for him, that he doesn’t buy him things and basically that he’s not a good father. She calls him a deadbeat. This man does everyting for his son, everything. After we discovered that she was entering and wondering around the home on her days to pick up her son, she was advised that she is no longer allowed to be at the house unless my boyfriend and or I are present. She told my boyfriend that she told their son “your Dad said I’m not allowed in the house”. Why would she tell him that? Is that her way to try to make their son dislike his Father? Does she have any clue that she is only hurting herself? Does she even care? Someday this extremely intelligent little boy is going to see that his mother is certifiably insane and that all she did was feed him lies about his Father when he was growing up. Their son just turned 14 and is at a very impressionable age. At no fault of the child, by nature, he’s going to side with the parent that is communicating these things to him. If she chooses to tell him this stuff then why not tell him the entire story? Tell the poor child that she was unfaithful…………. TWICE and that’s the kind of person she is and will always be. I can only hope that he grows up to be a sweet hearted person like his Father is and learns about his mother’s shortcomings but is able to continue to have a good relationship with her.

My fear is that he is going to turn into the terrible person that she is.

On an afternoon after work, my boyfriend and I met her at the usual meeting spot to drop of things for the child. The child was not present for this exchange of clothing and sporting gear, thank goodness. We got out of the car to find out that the child was not with her. When we asked about the boy she shouted “he wants nothing to do with either of you”. As I handed her things, she looked at me and said “did you hear me? I want to make sure you heard me”. She then shouted “you’re an f'ing C..t and you’re affecting my son!”. Honestly, all we did was get out of the car and hand over her son’s things. I do not engage in this behavior and I really feel like she was looking for an argument. I was NOT going give her one. My theory is…… arguing with an idiot makes two idiots. All I responded with was "I'm sorry you feel that way".

She teaches her son that wealth and status are everything. I feel like she had a child just for the attention and maybe on some level she does care for him but it’s not healthy. She is a parent to this child only when it’s convenient for her.

At the age of 13 he decided that he wanted to go to school to be an orthopedic surgeon. While this is an excellent goal and this child is more than an excellent student, what child at that age would come up with a something like that?

I’m having a very difficult time standing back and watching all of this, and so much more, go on and not be able to do anything about it. It’s very difficult to have to sit back and watch people you love be treated this way. I have never been married and do not have children but we want children. Will giving my boyfriend's son a little brother or sister make the situation worse?

Recently the ex-wife was told no about meeting to pick her son up at a certain time and she threw, yet again, another fit. Over the past week or so she has been showing up at our home, unannounced and after she’s been asked not to, to pick up her son. We attempted to file a Harassment Protection Order to keep her away from our home but it was denied. Even after we provided proof of harassment. We visited our local police department to see what our rights are and basically she can’t come on the property. How can we prove that she has or hasn’t been on the property when she wont wait for someone to be home and prceeds to sneak over to the house to pick up her son? I don’t understand this behavior. She has every right to pick up her son and to have a relationship with him but what happened to manners? I could see if the shoe were in the other foot and she was the one that was cheated and maybe she was still a bit sour but this is the situation that she created. She left!

We have recently decided to involve the authorities, which we didn't before as we did not want all of this to impact the child but at this point there is no other way.

Any advice? Please help


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    • profile image

      K. Wallace 3 years ago

      My boyfriend's ex wife abandoned her 3 children when they divorced, promising to come back and get the 2 oldest that are NOT his biokids!!!! That's right only the youngest of the 3 is his. She makes all kinds of excuses as to why she needs more time before she can take them back. He gets no child support but when she wants to, she can come to the house and play "mommy". I recently had a huge argument with my BF about her spending Christmas at his house. He says she will only be there for a few hours but I just don't think it's appropriate and disrespectful!

    • needadvice1981 profile image

      needadvice1981 3 years ago

      Craig, I'm so sorry to hear that you're having trouble. I think you're very right about the court systems.

    • profile image

      Craig Riibe 3 years ago

      The court systems r a joke in Glenwood ia . Ive had same problems went too court 2 times for full custody. My kid lived in a house with mother and twin sister. Both had restsraing orders. They looked at it as nothing was wrong. Lol maybe that's y we have so many repeat offenders in iowa. And still split custody and charged me for full custody battle. Something wrong with courts in iowa. Too me seems like everyone just getting payed too push pens too see the pretty ink.

    • hair bender profile image

      hair bender 6 years ago

      I know what you mean about all the counselors being wrong. She and her ex (my husband now) would go for counseling and the minute the counselor would suggest that it wasn't all her ex husbands fault and maybe part of the blame might be hers-BOOM- she would stop going. EVERYTHING, from it raining to increased taxes, was always her ex husband's fault.

    • needadvice1981 profile image

      needadvice1981 6 years ago

      I can honestly say that I the "mother" in my situation is similar and has a serious illness. I'm thinking bi-polar disorder. Apparently she has gone to counseling but all of the counselors are wrong. She views her behavior as being right and everyone around her seems to support it, or they are afraid but continue enable the manic behavior. She is always the victim and she is in serious denial. I'm afraid for the child. He's only 14 and still is at risk of becoming like her. I can only hope that she has some goodness in her that she is able to hand down to him.

      Thank you

    • hair bender profile image

      hair bender 6 years ago

      I am hoping that my step son does not takes after his "bio-mom". But in her defense I have to say that she does have either a schizoid personality or borderline personality disorder. Unfortunately, neither of those personality disorders can be cured with medication. And the sad truth is, she believes that she is the only true one and everyone around her is a liar. You can tell her that the sky is blue, but if she thinks it is red, then it is red.

      I am glad that you are able to vent your feelings in these hubs. Don't ever let anyone tell you that you are wrong for having these feelings. Feelings are real!

      Keep on keeping on!!!

    • needadvice1981 profile image

      needadvice1981 6 years ago

      Oh no! I find it very therapeutic to be able to write about all of this but I'm really shocked to hear that there are more people out there like the one I'm dealing with. It's so sad that this behavior exits. I hope that your step-son is nothing like his mother and I hope everyday that my step-son will also grow to be nothing like his mother.

      Thank you so much for your comment. It’s wonderful to have a support group that can relate.

    • hair bender profile image

      hair bender 6 years ago

      i can so relate to you and the ex wife situation. thankfully my stepson is now 23 and we don't have to deal with custody anymore but his "bio-mom" has broken into our home, deleted a novel my husband was writing on the computer, stolen objects out of our home, rearranged furniture when we were out of town, and the list goes on and on. She is a definite psycho case and really should be on some major drugs but she "always tells the truth". I even took out a restraining order and she violated EVERY rule and portrayed herself as the victim. I feel for you sister!

    • needadvice1981 profile image

      needadvice1981 6 years ago

      Things seem to be getting worse every day.

      A few weeks ago, when my boyfriend and his son’s mother still had a mutual meeting spot, she sent my boyfriend a text message asking him to bring the older of the two dogs with him to pick up his son. The dog is 14 ½ and the meeting spot was a parking lot on a very busy street. My boyfriend said no. She responded with “she is my dog and I miss her”. In my above story I mentioned that this woman made the decision to be unfaithful to her family and leave them all. This included my boyfriend, her husband at the time, her son and the dogs.

      So long story short, the dog was not present at the child pick-up. The next day a communication to my boyfriend from the ex’s mother, who is very nice, stated that her husband, not the ex’s real father who is also very nice, and her son in-law would be over to gather the following items;

      -a kayak (that we never use and I was advised that his ex’s parent bought for them)

      -an antique sewing machine that belonged to the ex’s mother, which belongs with her family anyway

      -a generator that her parents purchased for the home that we live in

      A conversation between the ex’s step father and my boyfriend occurred on the day that the above items were supposed to leave our house. The ex’s step father stated that he purchased the generator for the house to ensure that his grandson would not be without power. He advised my boyfriend that no one needed to know about the agreement and if in the future he needed the generator, he knew where to find it.

      After this past weekend being so extremely stressful as the ex refused to return her son to our home, the police were notified for the 2nd time.

      Today my boyfriend received a call from his ex’s step father advising that he will be coming to get the generator. Again, the ex’s family are all very nice people. I’ve met them all and can’t imagine that they are all related to my boyfriend’s ex. But because they are related to her, they stand by her. I believe the she treats them the same way she treats her son by filling their heads with lies and information that makes her look to be the victim.

      The generator is rightfully theirs and they should have it to do what they want but the day after another stressful weekend brought on by the ex? Coincidence? I don’t think so.

    • needadvice1981 profile image

      needadvice1981 6 years ago

      Amending the divorce decree can be expensive and timely. Will absolutely keep everything documented.

      Thank you so much. Just want to make sure the decisions we make are right for the child.

    • New 2011 Mom profile image

      New 2011 Mom 6 years ago from Pennsylvania, USA

      If you are getting the authorities involved and if it goes to a court (which unfortunitly may be the best thing) print out all the emails she sent, text messages, everything you can to show that she is not a fit mother. Also, if he is/was sending child support try to have a recorde of that because if she says anything about money for her child then you have proof that it was being sent or at least given to her. I went through a divorce with my mom and dad and yeah it impacted me a lot, but in the long run it made a BIG difference and it was for the better. If you both work also show the income amounts you both bring in because how much is brought into the home may also have an impact on it. I hope everything works out for the better for you guys!