- Family and Parenting
how should I deal with the situation of my boyfriends ex-wife?
My boyfriend and I have been together since July of 2010 and I moved in with him and his son in December of the same year. He and his ex-wife have been divorced since March of 2009. They have shared custody of their son, with his Dad from Saturday‘s through Wednesday mornings and the remainder of the time with his mother. My boyfriend is a wonderful Father and his son is also wonderful. His son’s mother? Not so wonderful.
They divorced because she was unfaithful on more than one occasion. Because the state we live in is a “no fault state” she actually walked away from the marriage with a large lump sum of money, child support and left him with all of the debt they built together trying to upgrade their home. She left her husband, the home they built together and her son. She made no attempts to take her little boy with her. What type of a mother just leaves her child? It’s something I’ve never been able to understand and leads me to believe that she is a very selfish and self-centered individual. She lasted about 4 months in an apartment before she moved in with the man that she was cheating on her husband with. She was married before her son's father and is also now engaged.
They are supposed to have shared custody. Which means they are to split the week. My boyfriend and I definitely have his son more than his mother does. I love that we have him more and I wish my boyfriend’s son lived with us full time. Sometimes when we get my boyfriends son back we have to, what we call, re-program him. He sometimes comes back to us not as himself. He seems upset, quiet and moody.
Over the last 14 months I’ve seen emails with her verbal abuse towards him, heard stories from him and have personally experienced her verbal abuse. She has on multiple occasions made threats to my boyfriend that she involves their son in what is going on between them regarding their disagreements.
One Friday afternoon my boyfriend and I got out of work early so that we could see his son before his mother picked him up from the house. At the time she was still allowed to pick him up from where we live as we thought she could be trusted. Not the case. Once a cheater and a liar, always a cheater and a liar.
We got home to find that she had already arrived to take their son. We pulled in the driveway and she was NOT waiting in her car. We walked into the house to not only find that she was inside but on the second floor of our home.
That’s when the “rules/boundaries” began. She portrays herself to be the kind of person who does something only for the attention or if it benefits her in some way. Definitely not a “do-gooder”.
My boyfriend began altering his schedule, leaving work early and making accommodations to meet his sons mother just so she wouldn’t have a reason to be at our house.
Before I was in the picture she would go into the home, where she once lived with her son and her ex-husband, and would take things such as kitchen appliances, various photographs, linens etc. My boyfriend advised me that he arrived home one day to find her not only in the house but on his computer. I guess the son would let her in because she claimed she needed to use the bathroom or she would give the child any excuse to let her in. Of course he’s going to let her in, that’s his mother.
Now she is claiming rights to the 2 dogs that she also left behind almost 3 years ago.
When she is told no, she retaliates like a little kid that doesn’t get her way. She sends verbally abusive emails, text messages calling my boyfriend a loser and says that “everyone” knows that he’s a loser, among other things. Who “everyone” is? I have no idea. I can only imagine what it’s like to watch this adult woman stomping around after she has been told something she doesn’t want to hear or is stripped control of a situation. She tells my boyfriend that she tells their son that he does not save money for him, that he doesn’t buy him things and basically that he’s not a good father. She calls him a deadbeat. This man does everyting for his son, everything. After we discovered that she was entering and wondering around the home on her days to pick up her son, she was advised that she is no longer allowed to be at the house unless my boyfriend and or I are present. She told my boyfriend that she told their son “your Dad said I’m not allowed in the house”. Why would she tell him that? Is that her way to try to make their son dislike his Father? Does she have any clue that she is only hurting herself? Does she even care? Someday this extremely intelligent little boy is going to see that his mother is certifiably insane and that all she did was feed him lies about his Father when he was growing up. Their son just turned 14 and is at a very impressionable age. At no fault of the child, by nature, he’s going to side with the parent that is communicating these things to him. If she chooses to tell him this stuff then why not tell him the entire story? Tell the poor child that she was unfaithful…………. TWICE and that’s the kind of person she is and will always be. I can only hope that he grows up to be a sweet hearted person like his Father is and learns about his mother’s shortcomings but is able to continue to have a good relationship with her.
My fear is that he is going to turn into the terrible person that she is.
On an afternoon after work, my boyfriend and I met her at the usual meeting spot to drop of things for the child. The child was not present for this exchange of clothing and sporting gear, thank goodness. We got out of the car to find out that the child was not with her. When we asked about the boy she shouted “he wants nothing to do with either of you”. As I handed her things, she looked at me and said “did you hear me? I want to make sure you heard me”. She then shouted “you’re an f'ing C..t and you’re affecting my son!”. Honestly, all we did was get out of the car and hand over her son’s things. I do not engage in this behavior and I really feel like she was looking for an argument. I was NOT going give her one. My theory is…… arguing with an idiot makes two idiots. All I responded with was "I'm sorry you feel that way".
She teaches her son that wealth and status are everything. I feel like she had a child just for the attention and maybe on some level she does care for him but it’s not healthy. She is a parent to this child only when it’s convenient for her.
At the age of 13 he decided that he wanted to go to school to be an orthopedic surgeon. While this is an excellent goal and this child is more than an excellent student, what child at that age would come up with a something like that?
I’m having a very difficult time standing back and watching all of this, and so much more, go on and not be able to do anything about it. It’s very difficult to have to sit back and watch people you love be treated this way. I have never been married and do not have children but we want children. Will giving my boyfriend's son a little brother or sister make the situation worse?
Recently the ex-wife was told no about meeting to pick her son up at a certain time and she threw, yet again, another fit. Over the past week or so she has been showing up at our home, unannounced and after she’s been asked not to, to pick up her son. We attempted to file a Harassment Protection Order to keep her away from our home but it was denied. Even after we provided proof of harassment. We visited our local police department to see what our rights are and basically she can’t come on the property. How can we prove that she has or hasn’t been on the property when she wont wait for someone to be home and prceeds to sneak over to the house to pick up her son? I don’t understand this behavior. She has every right to pick up her son and to have a relationship with him but what happened to manners? I could see if the shoe were in the other foot and she was the one that was cheated and maybe she was still a bit sour but this is the situation that she created. She left!
We have recently decided to involve the authorities, which we didn't before as we did not want all of this to impact the child but at this point there is no other way.
Any advice? Please help