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My Daughter is Pregnant

Updated on April 28, 2009

Too Young To Be a Grandma?

So... You learned your daughter is expecting a baby. Perhaps you even just discovered she was sexually active as well. Take a deep breath...

There are choices and options. Some you may not have even thought of! Take your time, be a supportive mom, remembering that helping your daughter doesn't mean that you morph into Wonder Woman and save the day!

So, start right now, with a quiet moment, and begin to learn how you can help support and educate your daughter as she makes one of the biggest decisions in her life.

But She's Too Young To Be A Mom...

There are an endless array of emotions you may be experiencing right now...

Anger

Sorrow

Shock

Panic

Frustration

Disappointment

Confusion

Grief

Any of those sound familiar??

It's normal. It's expected. It's what every other mother who has heard the words, "Mom, I'm pregnant," from her teen daughter has felt. You aren't alone.

Sometimes it's not your teen daughter. Sometimes it's your 20-something daughter who has been down this path before and has promised to "get ready" before having another child. Regardless of the circumstances, you are likely feeling as though she is far too young to have to be making the decisions that lay ahead.

More than anything, pregnant teens need a reality check. They need to not make quick decisions that are life-affecting. No matter which decision they choose with this pregnancy, it will affect them the rest of their lives. Let me repeat that for emphasis...

No matter which decision they make in regards to their pregnancy, it will affect them for the rest of their lives.

Oddly enough, the "quick fix" of abortion is one of the most devastating emotionally for young women (and men!). Studies have shown that symptoms such as sleep disturbances, intense feelings of regret, and severe anxiety disorders are not uncommon in abortion patients. Women who have had abortions seek psychiatric treatment at a higher rate throughout their entire lives. In fact, many abortion patients use repression as a means for coping with the ordeal, only to have these feelings resurface in a negative way much later in life, including an increased suicide risk.

Parenting at such a young age often results in, as you probably expect, you picking up a lot of the slack. Studies have shown that teens who choose to parent are less likely to finish high school, pursue college, or meet their own goals. Additionally, they are more likely to become estranged from their parents due to disagreements about behaviors, spending patterns, and discipline of the child.

Open adoption is the choice that is often not considered. The choices with open adoption are vast nowadays, with the entire family able to participate in the adoption planning and contact after the adoption is completed. It is truly gaining more people that will love this child.

Open adoption is viewed as the healthiest option for adoption currently, because the child will forever know where they came from, why adoption was the best choice for them, and that their own "story" is nothing to be afraid of. Best of all, adoption is certainly NOT goodbye forever, as it was in adoptions in the 50's and 60's.

Speak with your daughter about the choices she has. Give her a reality check for them all. Ask questions such as:

For Abortion...

Will you commit to pre- and post-abortion counseling?

For Parenting...

Will you make up a budget and a schedule, so that we all have a clear understanding of how life will be?

For Adoption...

Will you consider the choices you have available with open adoption, such as contact, choice of family, and more?

Sadly, even though it feels like our babies are not old enough to have babies of their own, they are, biologically speaking.

As mothers, it behoves us to ensure that the choices they make NOW are the ones that both they, and us, can live with for a Lifetime.

Quick Question For You

I hope my daughter's choice for her unborn baby is:

See results

From God's Arms, to My Arms, to Yours...

Q & A

Some recent questions...

My 17-year-old just told me she is pregnant, due any day. She has hid it from us all this time. She wants to place the baby for adoption. I don't know how to do this.

You need to understand that you are trying to digest three things at once and there is nothing easy way to digest even one of those.

First, you are likely disappointed in your daughter because she didn't confide this in you and, in fact, blatently hid it from you. Perhaps you are even beating yourself up for not noticing.

Secondly, you are probably in shock that your baby is pregnant. This isn't what you imagined becoming a grandma would be like. You may feel like she isn't ready to have sex, get pregnant, or make these life-altering decisions.

Thirdly, you are grieving for the situation, especially grieving over the grandchild you may never know as you would like. Grieving over your daughter's difficult decisions.

It's a LOT to deal with in a short period of time.

The best advice I can give right now is to focus on being there for your daughter and savoring every single minute. The emotions can't change the situation and there will be time enough to process what you feel.

Put aside the daily demands that you can. Suspend volunteer work and optional things that can wait for when you have more time, energy, and emotion.

Understand that this will be a pivotal time in your relationship with your daughter. Be there for her, be supportive to her decisions, help make her plan happen.

Hang in there!

I can't believe this!?! She's only 13! I feel so guilty, like I let her down somehow. Help!

Your feelings are normal (as you will see reading on!). Mom-guilt is part of life, whether or not it is justified.

The best thing you can do now is to show her how to take a situation that is likely not the best, and handle it with grace and respect. Whatever her choice for her pregnancy, take the opportunity to teach her respect for the life that is growing in her.

This is not something that can be undone and will change both of your lives no matter the outcome. Choose to grow stronger from it and emerge at the end of this experience with a stronger bond between the two of you.

I'm angry - She didn't even tell me she was having sex!?! How do I get past this?

Anger is normal and it may take some time for that strong emotion to dull. In fact, there are thousands of teenagers across the country who do not have to tell their parents they are sexually active until something bad happens.

Your daughter needs you now more than ever, so try to put the energy from the anger into caring for her. That may be one of the biggest challenges you ever have, but now is not the time for anger, catty remarks, or reminding her that she got herself into this mess.

Take this opportunity as a lesson for her. Show her that life can deal you a difficult situation but there is a miracle that can come from it. Teach her that life is a series of challenges that we must face and deal with, using the tools we have.

Do I have any rights in this situation?

In most states, only the actual parents (your daughter and the baby's father) have parental rights to make the decisions about this baby. This is why it is important to keep the lines of communication open.

What if the baby's father's family wants to raise this baby but we want something different?

Custody may still have to be determined through the courts. And while he might succeed in stopping an adoption, that typically does not mean he or his family automatically get custody. He is still going to be responsible for child support.

Talking openly and honestly about what is best for the baby is very important. There can be lots of issues when raising a grandchild of a minor child -- power struggles and defiance are two normal occurrences.

Top 3 Things You Can Do RIGHT NOW!

1. Take a deep breath & pray for patience.

2. Resolve to help your daughter make the decision that is best for her, your family, and most importantly, this baby.

3. Learn about all the options available to you. Many think adoption is "too hard" but with the choices available through open adoption, it is not giving a baby away, it is gaining more loved ones who truly cherish this child.

My Daughter's Decision Kit

We Have the Help, Information, and Tools You are Looking For To Help Your Daughter Make the BEST Decision For Herself AND Her Baby

You are not alone.

Thousands of Moms have been right where you are today. But somewhere between the shock and fear, reality sets in... This is MY Little Girl.

Let me tell you what I have told

hundreds of other mothers just like you...

Today, you are the best help your daughter has. And helping her make the best decision for her and her baby is what she needs most from you. But how do you know what is the best decision?

Here is a secret that no one else will tell you... Each pregnancy decision, whether it is abortion, parenting, or adoption involves gains and losses. The difference is the impact of each.

Abortion may seem like a quick fix, but the most recent studies on post-abortion patients are staggering -- increased depression, suicide, and even infertility later in life. Unlike adoption or parenting, there is no time frame for changing one's mind -- when it's done, it's done.

Parenting is a change in lifestyle and may require sacrificing educational goals and dreams, but your daughter is able to love and raise her child with the baby's father. She will need help and support, and you need to teach her to take responsibility, make a budget, and form a new plan.

Adoption can be an emotional journey, but it allows her the choice of adoptive family and to choose to have contact as the baby grows. She is able to walk away from this with pride about how she provided for the life she created, always knowing where her child is and how he or she is doing.

So Who's Decision Is it?

In this day and age, when schools can't give your child an aspirin without written consent, it would seem safe to say that you are the one who makes the call with a minor child, right? Think again! It's not that cut and dry.

As her mother, you obviously hold a lot of cards if you are providing her with a roof over her head and food in her belly. Yet you still need to know YOUR rights in the situation.

What if the two of you can't come to an agreement on the path to take? Who has the final say? Do you have any say at all? Even if you will ultimately be the one paying the bills?

It is questions like these that led me to interview an attorney. This is entitled My Child is Pregnant... What are My Rights? And it contains the answers that you as a parent need. It's part of My Daughter's Decision kit, designed for you and your daughter.

But how do you know what's the RIGHT decision?

You don't know the right decision until you learn about all of your options. And then, the right one is the one that brings you and your daughter the most peace in your hearts that you are making the best decision for the baby she has created.

Now is not the time for anger and speaking out about what she should have done differently. There is no choice but to look forward.

That's what the My Daughter's Decision kit is all about... looking forward.

Visit this website to order the new kit, My Daughter's Decision:

Pregnant-Daughter.com

Here is a small sample of the things you and your daughter will learn through the My Daughter's Decisions kit:

  • Answers to the 10 most frequently asked questions by moms like you.
  • Learn from an attorney the rights you as her mother likely do and do not have.
  • 14 questions for your daughter as she evaluates her ability to become a mom.
  • Stories from girls who have been where she's at.
  • How to receive a FREE labor bag for the hospital.
  • 10 questions to ask herself about the baby's father.
  • Ideas and instruction for journaling as she moves through this journey.
  • Questions and answers about choosing adoption.
  • The steps to making an adoption plan.
  • How to locate a SCHOLARSHIP program for young mothers choosing adoption.
  • Tips to help your daughter take care of herself during her pregnancy.
  • The benefits of choosing open adoption and what it means to your family.
  • A list of celebrities who are touched by adoption.
  • ...and so much more!

Let me share what's in the My Daughter's Decision kit with you...

  1. AUDIO CD: "My Child is Pregnant, What Are My Rights?"

    Learn the rights that you as a parent have in your dauther's decisions in regards to her pregnancy. Attorney Felice Webster shares her knowledge and interpretation of the law. This will arm you with what you need to know.

    RETAIL VALUE: $9.97

  2. NEW BOOK: "So I Was Thinking About Adoption..."

    Short, concise book helps you and your daughter consider options for her pregnancy that include adoption. Get planning sheets, questions for the doctor, and tips for caring for yourself during pregnancy.

    RETAIL VALUE: $8.95

  3. BONUS INSTANT REPORT: Top 10 Questions Mom Like You Ask

    Learn from common questions and answers from other mom's who have been right where you are and asked the same questions that you likely have. It's pretty likely that these top questions are your questions right now. Get this PDF report right now!

    RETAIL VALUE: $4.97

  4. BONUS INSTANT REPORT: I'm Too Young To Be a Grandma!

    Tips for you as you face this situation and move forward. This report will help you with topics regarding the options your daughter has. It will also help you remain calm in the face of the struggles you now face. Get this PDF report right now!

    RETAIL VALUE: $4.97

Order My Daughter's Decision Kit today!

This kit is unique and tailored to you and your daughter based on my more than 25 years of working with women like you both. I understand what you are feeling, I know that thoughts going your mind and that of your daughter. And I want to help you both. You are not alone.

Remember, the bonus reports are available to you instantly!

You have access to some of the best information immediately!

Most importantly, My Daughter's Decision kit will ship out right away. You will get the information quickly and in an unmarked, private envelope. Your order is completely confidential.

Visit this website to let me help you on this journey:

http://www.pregnant-daughter.com/

As an ADDITIONAL BONUS, and because I understand how important this information is, I want to upgrade your shipping to priority shipping free of charge. That's right, you pay for regular shipping and I will send it so you will have this vital information in your hands in only 2 to 3 days.

The Attitude of Three Hairs

You can't control the situation, but you can control how you react to it.

There was once a woman who woke up one morning, looked in the mirror and noticed she had only three hairs on her head.

"Well," she said, "I think I'll braid my hair today," so she did and she had a wonderful day.

The next day she woke up, looked in the mirror and saw she had only two hairs on her head.

"HMM," she said, "I think I'll part my hair down the middle today," and she did and she had a grand day.

The next morning she woke up, looked in the mirror and saw she had only one hair left on her head.

"Well," she said, "Today I'm going to wear my hair in a ponytail." So she did and it was a fun, fun day.

The next day she woke up, looked in the mirror and noticed that there wasn't a single hair on her head.

"YEAH!" she exclaimed, "I don't have to fix my hair today!"

Remember you may not be able to control what someone says or does or some of the situations that life throws you, but you can sure control the way you react.

~Author Unknown~

Need to talk? Looking for resources? Give me a holler! I'm a real person and happy to help.

Got something to share? Please do! - Please keep comments positive and helpful. Thanks!!

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    • profile image

      anonymous 5 years ago

      Dad

      My daughter is 16 and living with her boyfriend 9hrs away from any family.

      they moved away because her boyfriend lost his lic and can't drive in Victoria and the police keep picking on him so he says hes 19 with a record for doing so many stupid things. His Mother byes this old dump of a house so far away and now i don't see her much. So my wife and i go to see how the are living, When we get there they have no money and the house smells like someones smoking Marigawana. I picking her up to come back with us to wait for the delivery of my nieces baby on the way back from Dubbo were she is living i take my wife and my 2 girls to the snow so my 9 year old gets some real time with her big sister who she loves so much.Driving the car the 6 hrs to the snow the oldest is sick a lot and my partner says your not pregnant. Only later do i find out she is but her Mum tells me to say nothing for now so that's what i do. When we get home they start to fight so i say what's going on she didn't whant to tell me but she did after some time she want to keep it. im not happy but say come live near us so we can help cause when we had kids we had family support and i no she will need this. But her boyfrind doesn't want this. Anyway after sometime she goes on the train back to her boyfriend Mums house then she texts her Mother and tells her shes making a mistake and wants to come back and have an abortion but she is to scared to tell the boyfrind. she goes back to Dubbo and on the Saturday morning i drive the 9hrs to dubbo to pick her up i get there at about 9pm knock on the door and she says what are you doing here and i say to take you home her boyfriend says you could have told me i laugh and say you didn't tell me you were taking her so why should i. I take her to a Motel cause i can't keep my eys open i text the misses and tell her the cocky in the cage. then my daughter rings a friend tells her to come get her cause she needs a smoke dope that is she goes and has her smoke comes back and says he wants to talk now im thinking this cocky hasn't had her wings cliped so i jump in the shower pack the car and go looking for her. My phone rings its her saying were are you Dad so i turn around go back to Motel and say im ready lets go and i say that was a quick chat and she says he just wanted a smoke. i later find out he hit her.Driving home i was rapt but the hole time she was texting him.We get home and the misses and the whole family are on cloud 9 so we thought. She wants to live at the inlaws house they have land and are the most speacial people you are ever going to meet. Sadely they are getting old 78years but do anything for there family.The next day we go doctors get a referal for the next day to abourt get to the hospital and they can't do it for a week. then we go across the road to privet and they can't do it till Friday.Not nowing his mother rings her up and says you get ride of this baby and you'll never see Joel again.

      Not nowing any of this she says Dad can you get me some smoke i say i can't do that then she says shel get it from some people i don't aggree with that.So reluctuntly i get her some im thinking lets get ride of this poor baby cause who nos if it ok because shes taking to much drugs and i will try fixeing drug problem next. its getting closer to Friday and she now says want to go back and have baby i say that's fine go back but don't have baby now shes only been with him for 12 mounths.I want her to have kids but she is clearly not ready.When she leave she drops a letter she was riting to him sayin please love me wht don't you love me and i will stay here and get help for the drugs and be better for you pls love. WHAT DO I DO . If she has this baby in another state and she comes back here she has to send baby bake to see dad every 2 weeks

    • profile image

      anonymous 8 years ago

      my daughter 22 has just informed us she is pregnant. She is unwed, but in a relationship. The pair have plans to wed :in the future" but are not there yet. She has just started her working career and he is gainfully employed. My first reaction to the news - ..."I love you. What ever you decide - your father and I are there to stand by you and support your decision. But, it is your decision and we can not make it for you or influence you....we can provide you with the facts as we know them...but it is your decision and it is perhaps the biggest one of your life." .....In the privacy of my room I have very different views - my heart says "please keep this child"....I can however only hope but in the end, I will support the final outcome......as parents it is our god given gift to love our children, support them and as they become adults continue to be there for them - but allow them to live their lives. I will do that while I hope and pray for the life of this child.

    • cannedguds lm profile image

      cannedguds lm 8 years ago

      I'm a father of a 12-year-old daughter and I'm praying this will not happen to her that's why, it's important for us parents to be in constant communication with our children. But just the same, thanks for sharing this lens. I've learned a lot from it! lensrolled it to my lens about my daughter and gave your lens a high 5!

    • cannedguds lm profile image

      cannedguds lm 8 years ago

      I'm a father of a 12-year-old daughter and I'm praying this will not happen to her that's why, it's important for us parents to be in constant communication with our children. But just the same, thanks for sharing this lens. I've learned a lot from it! lensrolled it to my lens about my daughter and gave your lens a high 5!

    • profile image

      anonymous 9 years ago

      I love this!!!

    • profile image

      anonymous 9 years ago

      My 19 year old daughter is unwed and has gotten herself pregnant by a "friend"....not steady boyfriend. I am having difficulty coping with the disappointment and hurt feelings. I alternate between hurt and angry, resentment of her attitude etc...

    • profile image

      herbie66 9 years ago

      Welcome to the 'Pregnancy and Baby' Group

      ( http://www.squidoo.com/groups/pregnancy-baby )

      5 stars for your great lens!

    • profile image

      herbie66 9 years ago

      Your lens would make a valuable addition the group 'Pregnancy and Baby'. It will certainly help many future moms!

      Pregnancy and Baby

      ( http://www.squidoo.com/groups/pregnancy-baby )

    • profile image

      Lifetime 9 years ago

      Great -