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Should Teenagers be Prevented from Having Sex?

Updated on March 27, 2012

Inspired by Another Question

mistyhorizon2003 asked: Would you allow your teenage daughter to bring her boyfriend back to your house to stay overnight with her?

photo credit: WilliamMarlow via photopin cc
photo credit: WilliamMarlow via photopin cc | Source

Understanding your Worries

I have to admit, that I would also be worried. But to be able to answer the question more specifically I would have to know what the word teenage in your question means. That could be any girl between 13 or 19 years old from my understanding and there are worlds between kids that age. Even between kids of the same age in that period.


Intimacy is Scary

I wonder why LadyWordsmith got voted down that furiously. She doesn't say, let your teenage daughter do whatever she wants and don't care about what will happen if she slept with her boyfriend. Quite the opposite, as far as I understand her. Taking care of your kid means to worry and to be interested in her life and her desires. For some (or more) reasons sexuality is something that most of us are afraid of to talk about. Especially with our daughters and sons. So were my parents. I think to be able to talk about sex you would have to have an already well established connection to your child which might be difficult during teenagehood. It is such an intimate thing and I guess most parents and kids will always have some difficulties doing this. Although I always heard that mothers are able to talk with their daughters about certain intimate things, I guess fathers (if available) are usually too manly to do this with their boys in a similar manner. And in no way do I see that happen between fathers and daughters. That seems to be impossible due to certain standards of our society.

It is Bound to Happen

I definitely agree with LadyWordsmith that you can of course reduce the possibilities of your daughter to conduct sex by not allowing her to spend a night with her boyfriend but if they really wanted to do it, they would just do it somewhere else and make you think they are with friends or wherever you wouldn't object.

It Doesn't Look too Bad in the Statistics

I've found a nice page with some statistics, that do not seem to be depressing at all. But to be fair, I have to say that I am a German Agnostic with a slightly catholic background and that I have no general moral issues with the fact that teenagers are having sex with each other. Surely I also would make a difference if an 18yo boy would date my 14yo daughter, even if it is quite unlikely. I had my first sex with 18 with my then 16yo girlfriend (American, by the way) at my room during daylight because her guest-mother wouldn't allow her to sleep over (understandable as she wasn't even her daughter, but still annoying from our point of view then).


Kids are way more Informed than you Think

And I would like to add that I am more than happy that neither my mother nor my father ever really tried having an awkward conversation about "how to have safer sex" with me. But then we never had that close a relationship at first hand. I figured it out myself and guess I was lucky I didn't become an early father. Some instructions and real sexual education could have done wonders. But that didn't occur in my early years (the 70ies and 80ies, German catholic society, the rather weakly practising kind). Nowadays in times of the internet, kids get a lot from there and are by far more educated, even yours, if you like it or not. And I guess that is why they usually are more conscious about with whom they want to sleep and have children. And last but not least, and I am not going into detail here, becoming pregnant at an early age is strongly connected to the degree of education. Your kid's and yours.

What are you Really Afraid Of?

So if you are worried about her having sex in general because it is against your religious moral code, and also would have to worry about what the others in your community think, than yes, you would have to prevent such events. But then the question remains, why isn't your daughter as convinced of your moral basis to be the right one as you are? And above all, why don't you trust her to do the right thing?
Believe me, I am going through the same troubles just focussing on different subjects. I don't trust my son with many things although he is absolutely fine with most of them. There is nothing that justifies the intensity of my mistrust and still... And I can see it quite clearly now, that these are my own insecurities, my fears of not being able to cope with my life, my sorrow about what others think of me. I am not at all worried about my son. Not at all, because he is doing fine. It is me who isn't. That's why I have started an analysis to settle this once and for all, but this takes time and there will be regress. I am doing it for me alone, but then he will have someone to look at and see a good example. That makes it worth the trouble.

Your daughter is fine. It is you, you should be worried about.

Children are a wonderful gift. We like to show them to others, show them how beautiful they are. We are worried that someone might find a stain on them, so we try to polish them, hide the ugly parts for as long as possible...

Love,
Mike


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    • denkmuskel profile image
      Author

      Michael Schmitz 5 years ago from Berlin

      Thanks for the thumbs up and for sharing your interesting background. Trust is soooo valuable and yet so hard to earn but also to give. Nice to have you here. Have a good time. Mk

    • sen.sush23 profile image

      Sushmita 5 years ago from Kolkata, India

      The question was interesting and so was this answer; unlike all the other loud 'No's I heard, this analysis interested me. Coming from a rather closed society, a society not even ready to talk about sex in public even today, I was brought up rather liberally by my parents. They were a mixed up combination, one religious though humanitarian and the other an agnostic to the core. Probably the idea that their 16 year old may contemplate sex was much beyond their imagination. At 15, we had a natural calamity and my boyfriend and mentor, older by seven years, had to stay over at our house for a night and day. We talked into the wee hours of night about music and films and then I tip-toed to bed, while my mum was already dead asleep, or so I thought. I don't think she thought to spy on me, or wait with a gun, nor I planned on a quick smooch. Trust can often do wonders, that no gun will do. Yes, the problem is in the parents, and not our children. It had always been that way, and the vicious circle grows. Voted up and shared.

    • gmwilliams profile image

      Grace Marguerite Williams 5 years ago from the Greatest City In The World-New York City, New York

      While I believe in sexual freedom, teenagers are TOO young to be involved in any type of a sexual relationship. They are just finding their own being and their energies should be focused upon educational attainment. However, once they reach their late teens and/or early twenties, they are (hopefully) mature enough about their bodies and knowledge of contraceptive technologies to have sexual relationships.

    • Lady Wordsmith profile image

      Lady Wordsmith 5 years ago from Lancaster, UK

      Yes, it was strange that I was voted down (and continue to be voted down) so vociferously, wasn't it? I would have understood if I'd said anything disrespectful, or ridiculously controversial. All I said was that, basically, dialogue with your kids is a very good thing, for all parties concerned.

      My sons are 4, 6 and 8. My 8 year old already knows about sex - when he became old enough to ask questions about it, I knew he was old enough to deal with the answers. For several years (he first asked where babies come from when he was about 4, when his youngest brother was born) he was content to be told that there was an egg and a sperm that got together to make a baby. But when he turned 8 he started to question that piece of information, and kept asking me 'how exactly?' I couldn't bring myself to make any stories up, LIE to him, so I told him the truth. He was fine with it, thought it was all pretty cool, very fascinating. Then he turned his attention back to his Lego! This is the relationship I have with my kids - we're very close, we talk about whatever they need to talk about. They feel confident to be able to ask me anything at all, knowing that I will tell them the truth (if I think they're ready for it), and that I will never laugh at them for what they don't yet understand. If they were girls I would treat them the same - I have very young cousins, girls, and they get the same treatment as my boys when they come over (though I don't tell them about sex, as that's not my responsibility, it's the job of their parents).

      I'm an atheist. I have no idea whether that has any bearing on how I view this subject. I just don't see sex as this big scary thing that we have to ban! It can be enjoyed, safely. It's more likely to be enjoyed safely if you arm your kids with all the information they need to keep themselves and future partners safe. If you ban it you create a barrier, and when things go wrong (which they do, even in the 'best' of families) you have then made it difficult for your son or daughter to know how to approach you for help.

      That's just my experience of the world. And observations of other people's experiences. Kind of wish I'd kept my thoughts to myself though - wow, some people really HATE me now! :D

      Linda.

    • kcsummers profile image

      kcsummers 5 years ago from East Tennessee

      While I wouldn't be comfortable having my 16 y.o. daughter's boyfriend spend the night, I'm a realist. Humans are mammals, genetically programmed to procreate. (Otherwise the species could become extinct.) Dogs and cats go into heat, and everyone accepts it. But to think of your teens doing the equivalent? Too much for some, but biology is biology, and hormones spike during puberty. I say educate your children about birth control, STDs, and trust that you raised them to respect themselves.

    • denkmuskel profile image
      Author

      Michael Schmitz 5 years ago from Berlin

      That is a beautiful comment as well, Irob and a very interesting argument. It shows that young women can decide more and more about when and with whom to share this experience with unlike 50 years ago. The follow up question should be if the same people shouting out "No!" would do so if it was a teenage boy who wanted his girlfriend over. I guess the answers would be less strict. Thanks again for this nice contribution. Have a good day. Mk

    • Irob profile image

      Irob 5 years ago from St. Charles

      Really good hub. It is really tough, being the father of a 20 year old girl and all I went through. IT is really tough too because just a little over 100 years ago girls were usually married by 16-17, sometimes younger - so were the boys. GO back another 50 or so years and "kids" married even sooner. They can do it by 12-13, so it is natural to want to try

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