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Rearing a child : Fast forward for couples to be.

Updated on December 2, 2017
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Rearing a child

I always believed that when a girl and a boy is ready for marriage, they should marry. But what is "being ready" really mean.

Is it just physical readiness that they have to have or a rather responsible approach towards marriage for the offspring that is bound to arrive? So the question is how much preparedness the couple (as individuals too), should have towards the future offspring even before they have tied the knot.

A child is the best and most important part of a marriage, as well as the most important reason for a marriage, whether the bride or groom is aware or not about the needs of a child before having one.

Most families marry their sons and daughters for the same reason but leave lot of questions unanswered to them or rather leave it to the couple to find them as per their nature and common sense. This hub is for preparing couples, based on my own experiences and my understanding about this subject. I have a son of 11 yr. old and we have been successful in rearing him in a nuclear family, where only one of us earn like a traditional setup, obviously me :-).

In the present scenario, where both couples earn and go out to work, post marriage, a defined period could be set aside for personal growth so that when that period is over, and couples are ready to rear a child, all activities further on, that, couples get involved, a “child first” approach is necessary, rather than personal goals.


Couples still continuing with a “me first” approach can have lot of problems.

There are different stages of child’s needs that have to be planned.

- Having time for new arrival.

I think the most important planning that has to be done is nothing to do with the offspring but with planning for spare time, before taking a decision to start a family. This is very important for bride as well groom when both are busy building their career and in their stressful life bound to make mistakes without getting mentally ready to rear a child. Most working couples face a challenge in taking a decision "to either quit existing jobs or take sabbatical.”. A child under a stressful conditions should be avoided, rather it should be well planned like a holiday trip, when the couple are relaxed and are aware of the way the holiday will progress.

- How much commercial freedom is enough before starting a family?

The other aspect that affects the couple is lack of financial strength to start a family, when the couples have to fend for their extravagance. The habits of saving have to be well engrained before starting a family.

0-5 years

In these tender years the most important person is mother, for this is time when the child really needs a proper care taking, that, only a mother can do.

6-10 years

The couples should be available for feeding, talking, touching, playing, socializing so that the child learns from you how to deal with outside world. A lack of either of the parent involvement during this period can widely affect social capabilities of the child. A dedicated parent would be involved in teaching language, answer child’s queries, telling bed time stories of legends, history, and fairy tales. This helps the child, in having good control over language, vocabulary, speaking skills, bonding and overall confidence building of the child in the world outside.

Even answering queries of the child whenever he asks is enough for the child to grow up confidently. This period they are highly receptive and your attitude matters most in making or breaking the future.

11-16 years

If the 6-10 years were full of quality time, the child would rather be very confident and independent; otherwise, these years will be a very tough time for the parents. Reasons are obvious.

If previously mentioned activities were missing in your daily routine, the consequences would be

- Child would have grown on some external influence.

- Child would have grown up neglected, hence might turn to be arrogant or ruthless in his demands.

- Child would have felt no difference in your presence due to your regular absence. He would rather not ask you anything or answer you properly.

So, a well spent time b/w 6-10 years can change the outlook of your kid and his future will be brightest.

16-18 years [further...]

This will be a transformational period for the child, as he prepares to start living on his own. So, all that he would have learned or rather not learnt would affect him in his future. The most essential part that parents can do is to observe, his confidence in you and your confidence in him. If any of these queries are unanswerable then there is bound to be escalations in the future.

© 2015 Hari Prasad S

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    • shprd74 profile image
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      Hari Prasad S 12 days ago from Bangalore

      Nellieanna,

      Thank you so.much for your views. Pl do let me know when you write your book, would love to read it.

      - hari

    • Nellieanna profile image

      Nellieanna Hay 7 weeks ago from TEXAS

      Thank you for your appreciation of my comments about our excellent essay on a very vital subject. Please forgive my expounding further in your comment thread!

      Yes, the subject does present many facets and layers. Entire books are dedicated to exploring it, promoting it, and pointing out flaws in it . But none fully exhausts it. There was a saying, “Families are weird. Everyone should have one!” I’m not quite that fatalistic, but families which are better than that don’t just happen, they are carefully planned for and built!

      My beginning premise is that no families are perfect, but a combination of respect, reasonable discipline, parental good examples and abundant love make some families outstanding, qualifying for 'excellent'. Am also convinced that two active participants are needed on whom success rests or falls, so that they need to enter into it prepared with knowledge and wisdom, as well as romance and high hopes.

      A family is not a quick, one-stop entity. Marriages often last for decades, child rearing covers at least a couple of decades per child, and if there are multiple children, those periods overlap for several decades! Then follow-through with parent-grown children relationships can last for as long as the people live. But far too little is available to prepare and equip young people for such a major undertaking and its pitfalls, while much IS available for badly promoting unrealistic choices and expectations.

      My natal family life was outstanding, though being the youngest with 3 much older siblings, it was not typical, I suppose. But within one's own family experience, it's THE reality one knows. Comparisons with others are not how it feels to BE in a family of one’s own for oneself, learning what that means.

      When one brings one's own early family experience into a marriage with another person who has a unique natal family history of his/her own, blending of knowledge, expectations, experiences, hopes and personalities begins. It can be ideal, supporting and balancing each other’s. Or it can be a 'rude awakening' for one or both persons! I know about this, so it’s strong in my motivation to share and teach!

      I do intend to write a book about family, presenting thoughts and possibilities of both ideal and disastrous outcomes. Merely idealizing the institutions of marriage and family, while perhaps condemning that it’s gone awry, won’t help to equip new generations with both wisdom and practical means for selecting mates and building family lives with partners of their own. If I write a book, it will show that their own character, along with making wise personal choices can and will determine the success or failure of their own plans for good marriages and families.

      I’m an optimistic realist and a realistic optimist who believes that people, especially those starting out in life, need to be encouraged and equipped to realize that much will happen over which they may have little control, other than by bringing personal industry, integrity and optimism in their responses to these inevitable happenings, along with determination to personally exemplify and help create honor and joy wherever they happen to have an influence.

      I believe it's vital for them to be alert all during their own lives that there are always and aware that they’ll encounter others with other equally strong motives, which may or may not ally with their own, and that, (though they can and should always persist with their own standards and motives in relationships and alliances with others), it's wise and vital for them to be realistic enough to fully recognize ‘on the job’ of choosing mates, what may become 'traps' capable of foiling and derailing their own long-term plans, if they allow such contrary influences & motives into their own lives’ long-term choices. That their own wisdom can and must prevent such alliances needs be implanted in their awarenesses while they have time and opportunity to choose wisely for themselves, rather than waking up trapped.

      (I can’t address it If they have arranged marriages, except to say that it is hoped that all essential factors for marriage and family have been considered by the arrangers and that the resulting partners will be wise enough to create and fulfill the internal relationship at the highest level.)

    • shprd74 profile image
      Author

      Hari Prasad S 7 weeks ago from Bangalore

      Nellieanna, I am very happy to read your comments and extremely thankful to you for giving your time and an awesome review.

      You have really taken it forward from rearing children part to maintaining family values.

      This part of human need is so much ignored by the millennials, due to the generation gap and lack of exposure like it was, during those old days of joint familes.

      Thanks again for being so comprehensive in sharing your thoughts.

      I think you should write on it too from your vast experience and what you see now.

      - hari

    • Nellieanna profile image

      Nellieanna Hay 7 weeks ago from TEXAS

      Well-thought-out essay on readiness for marriage and responsibility of child-bearing and child-raising, Hari! It’s too bad more young folks haven’t received and internalized such an insightful glimpse into what awaits them when they take the step to marry! There is too little training for life’s most important steps and follow-through. Often young people take the plunge without considering what it involves beyond the length of their noses!

      Of course, my perspective now is from later in my life. What I notice is the ways that families have evolved the past several decades poses more snags than it resolves. Parents and children’s roles are unhappily reversed, with children ‘ruling’, often with minimal parent presence and overseeing. As you mention, they may get their ideas from ‘some external influence’ (often each other), while lacking key knowledge and insight to discern reality and life or to respect the family entity, much less their own family's heritage and prevailing values.

      Their parents are often confused and frustrated when faced with the results of having neglected and relinquished their parental authority, their responsibility and their roles as respected parents and adults. Their children become past restoring to a more traditional family plan and are bound for trouble, in the ways you’ve mentioned. It’s not only due to the parents being absent physically during the children’s most vulnerable years. It’s as much the parent’s emotional and spiritual absence during those times. It’s irreversible and far too much the reality today.

      I wish that, even if one partner enters marriage sincerely dedicated to following the best plans for marriage and family rearing, and even if that one does diligently follow through by BEING a good and honorable spouse/parent, such as you’ve laid out, still the success of the marriage and family may not happen, because it takes both partners being dedicated to it, or at the very least, it requires neither partner opposing it.

      So the very most important initial step, if the family is to succeed, is the choice of spouses who can be counted on to be in involved accordance with the best family plan.

      Trouble intensifies, not just if one of the partners is indifferent to a family plan, but the worst is if one spouse is dishonorable as a person and lacking in personal integrity. Good parenting can be learned “on the job”, but a person with intrinsic poor character is highly unlikely to change and may even become worse and more destructive with passage of time and the challenges of marriage and parenting.

      Recognizing a potential dishonorable, self-seeking spouse-parent partner is not easy for young people in the ‘getting ready’ stages. Certainly hasty engagements and rushed marriages complicate recognizing and unmasking true character flaws in the other person. Knowing someone longer can still disguise serious character flaws, and little clues prior to marriage, in the glows and throes of courtship, can be too easily dismissed as insignificant. But marriage soon reveals true character and proves little clues to have been quite significant, whether good or bad character was revealed by them!

    • shprd74 profile image
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      Hari Prasad S 5 months ago from Bangalore

      Thanks tamara for visiting this hub and for your appreciation.

      - hari

    • profile image

      Tamara Moore 5 months ago

      This is such a helpful, and informative article that offers great benefit to those who, not only do not have children, but also to those who'd like to read more about their child through their particular ages. Thank you!

    • shprd74 profile image
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      Hari Prasad S 11 months ago from Bangalore

      Thanks usha madam.

      - hari

    • shprd74 profile image
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      Hari Prasad S 21 months ago from Bangalore

      Thank you vishnu sir for reading and commenting too.

      -hari

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      Vishnu 21 months ago

      Most beautiful stage by stage deployment of parenting and nurturing skills.Also new age family structures and millenials upbringing!

    • shprd74 profile image
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      Hari Prasad S 24 months ago from Bangalore

      The other trend we see in urban india is nanny culture. Neither parents can spare 24x7 for these 0-6 yrs also.

      Thanks for your feedback and visit. You are right as society grows all combinations happen.

      Culprit is but economy. As living gets tougher due to high cost of living, the birthrate too goes down as well as traditional ways of rearing. Yet a balance can be done. But is left to couples as they have the ball in their court.

      - Hari

      - hari

    • shprd74 profile image
      Author

      Hari Prasad S 24 months ago from Bangalore

      The other trend we see in urban india is nanny culture. Neither parents can spare 24x7 for these 0-6 yrs also.

      Thanks for your feedback and visit. You are right as society grows all combinations happen.

      Culprit is but economy. As living gets tougher due to high cost of living, the birthrate too goes down as well as traditional ways of rearing. Nut a balance can be done. But is left to couples as I have the ball in their court.

      - hari

      - hari

    • PAINTDRIPS profile image

      Denise McGill 24 months ago from Fresno CA

      Hari,

      I know there are some couples that would argue with you on some points. My daughter is working and son-in-law is home raising the children, including the new-born. It remains to be seen if a mother's influence is more important than a father's for the 0-6 years. I have to agree that I had my mother for those years and I was there for my children as well, but the world is changing and many fathers are home rather than the mothers today. We will see if this was good or a bad thing in the years to come, I guess.

    • shprd74 profile image
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      Hari Prasad S 24 months ago from Bangalore

      Thanks devika for your appreciation. :-)

      - hari

    • DDE profile image

      Devika Primić 24 months ago from Dubrovnik, Croatia

      Great advice! An important way to learn for parents.

    • shprd74 profile image
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      Hari Prasad S 2 years ago from Bangalore

      Thanks for you valuable comments too manitita.

      - Hari

    • manatita44 profile image

      manatita44 2 years ago from london

      Yes, a sincere effort and a noble outlook. Some families are special and will have a way that suits them and their children. Still, you words and experiences are valuable and it's good that they are passed on in this Age.

      Hari Om!

    • shprd74 profile image
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      Hari Prasad S 2 years ago from Bangalore

      Thanks surabhi for your comments.

      - hari

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      Surabhi Kaura 2 years ago

      This is a great guide for couples entering into wedlock. I like how you have the years there; describing each stage. After all, it's coming from a responsible father. Good parenting advice. Love to the little one :) Peace.